


Cheap Whiskey and Drunk Kisses

by blumen



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Angst, Artist! Levi, Artists, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Brothels, Car Accidents, Child Abuse, Depression, Drug Addiction, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Fights, Fist Fights, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homelessness, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mentioned Abusive Relationships, Mentioned suicide attempt, Multi, Non-Binary Hange Zoë, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence, Past Relationship(s), Pedophilia, Platonic Cuddling, Prostitute Eren Yeager, Prostitution, Rape/Non-con Elements, Revenge, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Violence, punk! levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-02-14 09:30:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 72,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2186586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blumen/pseuds/blumen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you had asked Eren where he saw himself in five years he definitely wouldn't have said screwing recently divorced grey men in their forties for a living. He always imagined he'd end up in business or something simple, or even an artist if he worked hard enough at it. </p><p>But adulthood has a funny way of turning things on their head, and Eren certainly wasn't spending his days in a blissful office job. Life had certainly fucked him over with his demanding work hours, overcrowded apartment and shitty string of past relationships. Or relationship to be more precise. </p><p>Eren's life opens up to the intricate world of art after meeting Levi, a short man with an even shorter temper. He finds himself living in a way he forgot existed and slowly begins to pick up his broken shards.</p><p>But Eren knows how easy it is for something fragile to shatter once more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Into The Forest

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally got around to writing this after only seven months but I think I have the plot sorted out this time so I maybe I'll get past the first two chapters
> 
> ****15/2/16 this has been the most popular fic I've ever written and sadly one of the worst. The first half of the book shows all the bad writing habits I had and am still working on. But whilst this fic is far from my favourite it is nice to see how much I improved. Just keep that in mind whilst reading that this is far from the best I can do.

Eren never imagined that he would be spending his life in a different crack houses moaning like a bad porn star nearly every day of the week. Being a prostitute never was something to brag about, it wasn’t exactly the most glamorous job out there but Eren worked with what he got.

“I’m going to fuck you all night long,” the middle aged man purred, rubbing his dirty hands on Eren's thighs.

“Go ahead. Take me big boy,” Eren teased, repressing a disgusted grimace. _No you won’t, you’ll finish  early and then fall asleep._

The man (Stanley? Steve? Or was it Stephan? It didn’t matter; Eren didn't bother with their names) began to sloppily suck on the younger boy’s neck. A trail of dribble leaked onto Eren’s collar making him shiver involuntarily. The old fuck probably took it as a sign of pleasure.

The customer had greasy greying hair with a scratchy beard to match. His eyes were a cold, dark blue alit with arousal as his hands traced Eren’s frame. He was a lanky wiry man with abnormally large feet and furry legs. It didn't help that he had bad breath.

It didn’t matter how unattractive Eren found him though, he had been in the business long enough to know how to look interested. Didn’t make his job any less unpleasant though. But as a wise man once said, sex sells, and it sells well.

_That had better not be furry porn on the floor._

                             

Eren tugged up his tight jeans whilst his client snored like a jackhammer. As expected the man came early (god forbid Eren got to finish for once.) At least it was short. Always look on the bright side, right?

A pile of stained notes lay on the moldy dresser across from the crumpled bed. Eren reached out to snag the money, counting it carefully as he did so. _Does he really think that he can cut me short? I just gave him the best orgasm he's probably had in years!_ Eren huffed heatedly as he searched for the man’s wallet. Like hell he was just going to put up with this shit.

Eren’s hands grasped a dank, flaky, leather wallet and he fished through the contents to get his remaining fifty pounds. The money was unsettlingly moist, but it would have to do. Once he had thrown his shirt back on Eren reached for his leather jacket and left the man considerably poorer.

He zipped his jacket up tighter once he opened the front door to be assaulted by bullets of rain. He took in a deep lungful of clean air, thankful to be free of the damp stench. Pulling out a cigarette he began to walk towards his apartment. He could faintly hear his mother scolding him as he inhaled deeply. Eren hated the smell but he put up with it.

“Hey twink! You want a ride?” A drunk voice jeered in the distance. Eren’s head snapped backwards to see a man in his thirties driving an old, cramped car with peeling paint. Eren knew he shouldn’t talk to strangers but he was freezing and walking didn’t sound very appealing at all.

“Sure,” Eren smirked, putting on his flirty façade. He sauntered towards the front space, brushing off the crumbs littering the seat before sitting down.

“Where yah heading to?” The man asked, leaning dangerously close to Eren’s face.

“Trost district,” Eren answered, subtly leaning back to give himself space from the man’s foul breath. _What did tooth-paste ever do to you?_

“And what do I get in return if I take you there?” He grinned disgustingly wide. His smile reminded Eren of a shark's.

Eren sighed. He really wasn’t in the mood for another bad fuck. Enough was enough for tonight and all he wanted was to just sleep.

“Well…” Eren giggled “I can give you my number so you can ring me up sometime and I promise you the best night of your life,”

“Just a number? Doesn’t sound that great to me,” the man frowned with knitted eyebrows.

“Listen,” Eren snapped, dropping his act, “I’m fucking exhausted and I’m not in the mood so will you take me or not?!”

“Sheesh, someone’s on their period,” he remarked stroppily, but turned the engine regardless. Eren rolled his eyes at the immature comment but was thankful to be moving.

                                           

“Someone has sex hair! Good night?” A teasing voice giggled.

“Shut up Nathan, I’m tired,” Eren yawned, pulling back the grass-green striped quilt. Throwing aside the several Disney plushies Nathan insisted on keeping in their bed he collapsed onto the flimsy mattress.

“Jesus Eren you’re freezing!” Nathan whined “and wet,”

“Sorry,” Eren scoffed, hugging the blanket tighter to his body. “Is Karin still up?”

“Of course she is,” Nathan replied, looping his arms around Eren’s waist. His long ebony hair tickled against his neck as he snuggled closer to Eren's body. As annoying as he was, Nathan was always warm.

“Night Nathan,” Eren mumbled sleepily.

“Night Eren,” Nathan beamed, placing a light kiss on his jawline.

 

“Wakey wakey!” Nathan exclaimed obnoxiously cheerfully as he shook the shorter male’s shoulder.

“Fuck off,” Eren murmured, burying himself in his duvet. _No one should be this cheerful in the morning. No one._

“Rude,” Nathan scowled playfully.

“Ugh, just let me stay in bed for longer,” Eren moaned.

"Eren, it's already twelve!" Nathan whined, stealing the quilt away from Eren's tight grasp.

"So?" Eren retorted huffily as he slapped away Nathan's honey toned hands.

"It means that Karin's still asleep and you're the only one left who can cook!" Nathan wailed.

"There's noodles," Eren mumbled in reply.

"But those don't taste good like your cooking does!" Nathan insisted. His tatic of stealing the covers wasn't working so he began to weakly punch the snoozing body sprawled out before him.

"Oh fine!" Eren groaned. Yanking aside the pile of blankets he was nesting in he began to stride towards the narrow kitchen. The blindingly white walls hurt to look at when Eren was still half asleep.

"Love you," Nathan snickered from the doorway.

"Fuck you," Eren growled, flipping him off. He fished through the cabinets for a frying pan and scanned the fridge for food. He was overjoyed to see Karin had gone shopping. Gathering together some basic ingredients Eren dumped them onto the counter and began to work.

Cooking bought up fond memories of his Mother. Memories of her telling him off for licking the bowl when he wasn't supposed to and wiping off flour that dusted his flushed cheeks. Eren smiled gently at the recollection of Carla's warm, coffee eyes and terracotta hair she had always worn in a loose braid. Eren sometimes missed his mother from time to time, but it had happened long enough ago for him to be accustomed to it.

"That better be pancakes I'm can smell!" Nathan hollered.

"You won't be disappointed," Eren replied with a chuckle.

The pan crackled and popped excitedly as Eren began to flip it, carefully not to be overzealous; He had learned his lesson the last time.

"You're up early," a tired voice remarked sarcastically from the doorway.

"Morning Karin," Eren greeted, turning to face her.

Karin hadn't yet put in her contact lenses so her chocolate eyes were currently framed with thick, charcoal lenses. Her fiery shoulder length hair which she hadn't bothered to brush yet was pulled into a straggly bun with rebellious strands popping out. Light freckles littered the snowy skin covering her curvy frame which was currently posed in a slouch.

"You better have made me some," Karin said as she sat on the wooden counter. She began to play with the edges of her soft, baggy sweater as Eren continued to cook.

"Of course," Eren smiled as he set out plates.

"Hey Nathan! The food you probably dragged Eren out of bed for is ready!" Karin yelled, opening the cabinets to scavenge for syrup.

"Look who managed to get out of bed!" Nathan teased as he skipped into the room.

"Some of us have jobs you know," Karin retorted darkly, "jobs that pay for your Disney addiction,"

"Hey! You know I'm searching!" Nathan protested "Besides you love that Nemo plushie I got you for your birthday,"

"You're right, it makes an excellent pillow," Karin muttered. Her slender hands reached out to dump an impressive pile of pancakes onto her plate, soon to be drowned in sugary liquid.

"Hey don't use it all, Karin!" Nathan cried but was only left with an empty bottle, "Wow. I just-people don't do that, Karin. People have respect,"

"Don't be too heartbroken curly fry," Karin said, running a hand through his spiral of curls resting above his undercut. A faint smile was edged around her sultry lips.

"So cold," Nathan whimpered as Eren binned the empty bottle.

"Come on you dork," Eren grinned, "Let's eat. You didn't wake me up for nothing."

                                    

"Listen Eren, I'm sorry to do this, but Reiner isn't coming tonight and we really need someone to fill in,"

"It's okay Marco," Eren sighed, "I'll come in,"

"Thank you Eren," Marco said "I'll see you soon."

"Bye."

Eren released a long groan. Sundays were supposed to be his day off. But it wasn't like he had much of a choice. If he didn't turn up he'd be fired and Eren really couldn't afford that. There goes his plans for spending the night playing video games with Karin.

"Karin I've been called in at the brothel, tell Nathan when he gets back will you?" Eren requested as he tugged on his battered Converse.

"He's spending the night with Angelia and Lia," Karin replied.

"At least someone is getting lucky around here," Eren muttered as he bit into an apple lying on the counter.

"That's funny coming from the prostitute," Karin commented dryly.

"I don't think fucking grey old men who don't know what a prostate is counts as getting lucky," Eren shot back, reaching for his wallet.

"Can you get me some white paint once you've finished. I've run out," Karin requested as she held a ten pound note, "Get the most expensive one you can with that, I'm not dealing with that grey watery shit,"

"Sure," Eren shrugged, "See ya then,"

"Bye Eren. Be safe."

 

 "I'm sorry, Sir but I don't think I'd be safe at that man's house. He's broken rules before and I don't trust him," Eren tried to reason.

"Eren that man pays well and you wouldn't be doing this job if you didn't need the money!" Eren's boss snapped.

"That's not fair!" Eren exasperated, "You can't make me stay there for an entire night!"

"I think you'll find I can," He warned, his voice dropping to a dangerous level "you'll get seven-fifty if you do,"

"But that's only half!" Eren exclaimed.

"So? What's new?" His boss raised an eyebrow which only succeeded in agitating Eren even more.

"Arsehole," Eren grunted before storming out of the dingy office. The door frame made a satisfying crack as he slammed it shut.

The cracked clock above the door alerted Eren that he only had ten minutes until he was free to leave. Deciding to stall Eren walked towards the desk were Marco was currently working. He was currently handing a wad of notes to an exhausted employee.

"Ah! Eren, sorry we had to call you in tonight," Marco apologized once Eren reached the desk "Hey, are you okay?" he asked once seeing Eren's stormy expression.

"No, I'm pissed," Eren replied honestly, "The boss is having me stay overnight with that dodgy customer, Dwayne, even when I told him I don't want to,"

"Aw, that sucks. I'm sorry Eren," Marco replied earnestly.

"It's okay, there's nothing you can do about it anyway," Eren sighed. Marco looked up at him with a look of pity which made his stomach turn.

"At least I can give you your wage, right?" Marco chuckled uncomfortably as he handed him a stack of wrinkled notes.

"Shit, I made a lot today," Eren noted, flicking through the pile with his thumbs.

"You earned it," Marco smiled warmly before turning to the next person in the que.

Eren dismissed Marco with a wave and turned towards the exit. The fresh air was a relief to Eren's sweaty skin. Inhaling deeply, he turned to walk towards the art store for Karin whilst lighting a cigarette. After a long drag he puffed out a string of wispy smoke which fanned around his face.

Eren's legs ached as he trudged towards the store. It had been a long day at work and curling up and falling asleep in that empty alley didn't sound like an unreasonable idea at that moment. But contrary to unpopular belief, Eren _did_ have common sense. Thankfully he didn't have to walk too far before reaching his destination.

The art shop was simple in decor with pastel coral walls and a light marble floor. The room was lit by buttery lighting hanging over Eren's head. Equipment was lined neatly and orderly into different rows clearly labelled by signs hanging overhead. The expensive, sleek shelves were spaced far apart from each other making the large store even more spacious. It was exceptionally clean inside, even by Karin's standards.

Eren strolled drowsily towards the paint section. He was met with a rainbow of colours all of different shades and hues. Stumbling towards the white paint Eren found himself stuck. Karin didn't specify what kind of paint she wanted and all the choices confused Eren. What the fuck is acrylic? Watercolour? Poster? Did it really make a difference?

Since Eren was feeling particularly kind and his pockets were currently lined finely he got an assortment, knowing Karin would find some use for them somehow. Even though he was being generous he was cautious not to go over thirty quid; Eren did want to eat this week.

Unsurprisingly only one of the check-outs was open considering it was around three in the morning. Eren dragged his weary feet to the till and dumped his items on the smooth pearl counter. He was greeted to a moody cashier who scanned his items silently.

He had silky-looking inky hair which fell into his narrow, stormy eyes. His skin was a flawless porcelain decorated by various dark studs clinging to his sharp features. Five, Eren had counted, two in his lower lip, a silver stud on the side of his nose, and two sitting next to each other on his right eyebrow. Eren realised he had even more on his ears; A line of rings lined the shell like a band of troops, paired with a triple helix, and both ears were gouged, lined by a pair of thick, acid green, stretchers.

Eren found himself strangely drawn to this short, attractive man who gave off a intimidating, bitter aura. An irritated cough alerted Eren that he had been staring and he quickly averted his eyes.

"Sorry, what was that?" Eren flustered, his cheeks tinted a dark cherry.

"I said that's twenty ninty-five, brat," the man, Levi (Eren discovered once looking at the name tag) snapped. _Well, that's a bit rude._

"Sorry," Eren bumbled as he handed the money over. His purchases were quickly packed into a plastic bag adorned with the shop's logo. "Thanks," he mumbled awkwardly before hurriedly leaving. _Fuck, that was embarrassing._

"Hey you!" a gruff voice yelled, stopping Eren in his tracks.

Eren turned slowly towards the loud noise to be met with a sickeningly familiar face.

"Fuck."


	2. City Square

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," Eren winced as the distant figure began to move closer.

"You stole my money you whore!" The scratchy voice yelled.

"Listen, Stanley," Eren tried to calm his nerves and make his voice steady.

"It's Steve you slut!" He corrected furiously.

"Steve, I was clear about my prices," Eren reasoned.

"Give me back my fucking money!" Steve screeched, and backed Eren against the gravel wall behind him.

"Get off of me!" Eren shrieked, thrashing wildly in Steve's surprisingly strong grasp. _  
_

"Not until you give my fucking money back you fucking whore!" Steve bellowed, saliva flying into Eren's face.

"I don't owe you anything!" Eren protested, squirming in his tightening grip.

"Like shit you don't! You stole from me!" Steve insisted.

Eren spat in his face and watched in satisfaction as the man flew back immediately in repulsion. Eren moved quickly whilst his opponent was stunned to send a vigorous kick to his stomach.

"You dirty whor-"

But he was interrupted by a barrage of Eren's fists repeatedly slamming into his skinny body.

"Don't call me a whore!" Eren shrieked as he delivered a strong blow to his nose, causing blood to gush from it like a fountain.

"You've done it now you slut!" Steve howled as he lunged for Eren's neck.

Eren's head crashed back against the wall, causing pain to erupt in his skull. He clawed frantically at the hands clasped around his neck and thrashed his legs fiercely. His head started to feel lighter as he tried to desperately gasp for air but it was useless.

"GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING MONEY!" He screeched, and slammed Eren's head back against the wall to empathize his demand.

With all of his remaining force, Eren smashed his legs into his attackers chest and was released. He gratefully took in large lung fulls of air as he struggled to stand up. Exhaustion was beginning to take its toll of Eren's body but he fought against his dropping eyelids as he began to wildly tackle Steve's body.

Eren pulled back his fist and pounded it relentlessly against his face until blood began to leak from it. He could feel a faint pain in his knuckles but he ignored it as he continued to relentlessly send sharp jabs to his bloody features. Eren didn't realize he was screaming until he felt a hoarse rawness in his throat.

Fatigue began to wash over Eren in waves but he continued to attack Steve, even though he was no longer moving.

"Don't you ever fucking screw with me again!" Eren yelled, and shoved the dead weight away from him.

He held onto the wall stained with his blood to steady his weak frame. Dizziness shook his body like a rag doll and Eren fought off the will to collapse. His neck began to sting and the soreness in his throat hadn't left. He only just became aware of the blood trickling down his neck from the fresh wound on his head.

He had to get away before the police came or he'd be screwed. Eren would definitely be seen at fault for this even though he wasn't the one who attacked first. From the law's point of view Eren was a dirty tramp who fucked old men to pay for his drug addiction and just stole from a helpless customer.

Eren hissed at the unfairness of it all. If his customers actually treated him with the slightest ounce of respect and didn't try to screw with his rules maybe his job wouldn't be such a pain in the arse, and maybe he wouldn't be standing in the street, on the verge of passing out, bloody and bruised.

The spinning was gradually getting worse as Eren staggered back home trying to think of a way to explain this to Karin and Nathan. He could faintly hear footsteps fastly approaching him before exhaustion got the better of him and he collapsed to the ground.

 

The first thing Eren realized when he awoke was that he was definitely not in his own bed. His bed was not this comfortable and definitely didn't smell so strongly of lemon detergent either. The pristine ivory sheets instead of his familiar striped jade ones were also a giveaway. _Maybe Nathan changed the sheets?_ But when Eren turned he didn't see him clinging to his side like he usually does.

"Good to see you finally woke up," A voice Eren faintly recognized said as it entered into the room.

"Levi?" Eren furrowed his eyebrows, his voice painted thickly with sleep, "What are you doing here? ...We didn't sleep together did we?"

"I can assure you my dick didn't go anywhere near your underage arse," Levi retorted with a snort, "You passed out outside of my store and like the gentleman I was I took you home to make sure you were okay, brat."

"Uh, thanks I guess? And by the way I'm twenty one, so I'm not underage," Eren declared as he reluctantly left the toasty sheets. "What time is it?"

"Twelve, so you're late for whatever minimum wage job you shitty arse has," Levi taunted.

"Okay my job may be shitty, but it is  _not_ minimum wage!" Eren exclaimed.

"Calm down, brat. I'm standing right next to you," Levi scowled.

"Sorry," Eren mumbled.

"Hm," Levi replied shortly, "and take a shower, you're fucking filthy,"

"But I don't have a towel," Eren said.

"Then I'll give you one, brat," Levi countered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "also leave your clothes outside the door, you are not wearing clothes that fucking dirty in my apartment,"

"Okay," Eren responded, not quite sure how to reply.

Levi was strangely rude for someone who had taken him to his home and let him sleep in his bed, unless Levi did have a spare room which was plausible considering how expensive this apartment looked.

Levi motioned with his hand for Eren to follow him out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. It was immaculately clean and Eren swore it sparkled. The walls were a stainless white like the bedroom was and furnished with a black marble sink and shower. Stainless cream tiles stood below Eren's feet and Eren felt a genuine fear of getting dirt on them.

"Leave your clothes on the counter, I'll pick them up later, and fucking fold them I swear to god" Levi ordered, pointing towards the vast space besides the tap.

"Okay," Eren complied, and began to strip his clothes.

"You can do that when I leave," Levi said.

"I don't really care if you see me naked," Eren shrugged, stepping out of his boxers. He handed Levi his folded scruffy attire. He collected it with a look of distaste as if he had sucked a lemon. Eren raised an eyebrow but Levi ignored it and left.

Eren stepped into the shower and closed the glass door behind him whilst doing so. After messing around with various controls for around a minute he finally managed to get the water to work. The warm water was refreshing against his grubby skin making Eren let out a pleased sigh.

Picking up a bar of lavender soap he scrubbed mercilessly at his body. Somehow Eren knew that if he didn't come out clean enough by Levi's standards he'd have to shower again. Eren also didn't want to waste his hot water, pissing the man off didn't seem like a good idea. He decided to wash his hair as well considering it was heavily coated with sweat.

After washing the last of the coconut shampoo out of his brunette locks he turned the water off and stepped out. Grabbing the fluffy blue towel laying on the rack next to the shower, he wrapped it around his waist. He used the other one to quickly dry his hair. Wiping the fog off the mirror was a mistake.

A pair of purple hands was imprinted onto his neck. The skin looked raw and bruised and hurt to touch.

"Fuck," Eren groaned, running his hands through his damp hair. Maybe he could ask Levi if he had some cream or something.

Once he stepped out the steamy bathroom he was hit with a wave of frosty air from the air conditioner.  _Why does he have tha air con on in October? I know he's weird, but still._

"You took your time," Levi remarked grumpily. Eren was certain he had definitely spent less than ten minutes.

"Sorry?" Eren shot Levi a puzzled look which he only rolled his eyes at, "Listen do you have any clothes?"

"I'll get you some but I'll doubt they'll fit," Levi said before walking back into his bedroom and Eren followed obediently. He watched as Levi rummaged through his drawers silently.

"Well lucky for you Hanji left their clothes behind from the last time they broke into my house," Levi said holding a pile of black skinny jeans and a plain dark vest, "they're around the same height as you so they should fit,"

"Okay, thanks," Eren replied, pulling the vest over his head. 

"Catch," Levi commanded blankly as he threw a pair of simple black boxers at him.

"Is everything you wear black?" Eren asked, inspecting the dark material.

"Sometimes I wear very dark grey," Levi answered so seriously Eren didn't realize he was making a joke. Eren laughed heartily which Levi only replied blankly to. As Eren continued to get dressed he realized Levi had left the room. Once he was finished he turned to the mirror to run his fingers through his wild hair which was nearly dry. The clothes didn't fit too badly and he actually looked okay, despite the scarlet imprint on his neck.

Eren's stomach rumbled loudly as he realized just how hungry he was.

"Hey do you have anything to eat? I can pay you back," Eren asked, stepping into the kitchen.

"There's cereal in the cupboard and don't bother, I can afford it," Levi waved his hand dismissively. Eren nodded and opened the mahogany cupboard to pour himself Cheerios.

Eren silently sat down by the kitchen island and quietly ate his cereal. He wasn't really sure what to say. He felt awkward as the silence only grew worse but Levi seemed unaffected by it.

Lifting his head he noticed a familiar figure hanging on the wall.

"Why do you have naked pictures of Karin on your kitchen wall?" Eren questioned.

"Those aren't pictures those are paintings and they're there because I put them there," Levi explained simply.

"What-those are drawings?!" Eren bellowed incredulously.  _There's no way that's not a picture._

"Yes," Levi confirmed, "I would know since I drew them,"

"Holy shit," Eren gasped, "they're amazing,"

"Thank you," Levi replied emotionlessly as if the compliment didn't affect him.

"But that still doesn't explain why they're of Karin," Eren said, creasing his eyebrows. Levi turned to look at him as if he was literally the dumbest human being on the planet.

"Karin used to model for me a lot. If you're wondering how I know her we went to the same art uni and I offered her the job," Levi explained.

"Wouldn't that sound creepy though? Hey, do you want to model naked for me whilst I stare at you? Sounds kinda dodgy,"

"That's amusing considering you're a prostitute,"

"How did you-"

"You do realize you were shouting very loudly outside of  _my_  store. I could piece it together myself; I'm not stupid unlike you,"

"Hey! I'm not dumb!" Eren insisted but his remark fell on deaf ears, "I didn't know Karin used to model though. Kinda weird though considering she's so private,"

"It's not that weird. We're both artists so we both understand it's just drawing. It's not like I was paying her to stand there whilst I wank off to her tits,"

Eren was shocked by his obscenity and how seriously he could say things like that.

"What?" Levi raised an eyebrow at Eren's jaw that was practically sitting on the floor.

"It's just strange you can say stuff like that so seriously,"

"Get used to it. How do  _you_ know Karin?"

"Oh, I live with her and her adopted brother,"

"Nathan right? That kid would never stop flirting with me,"

"Ha, that sounds like him. Nathan flirts with everyone, it pisses Angela off all the time,"

"Girlfriend?"

"One of them. He's totally faithful though. He would never cheat on anyone,"

"That's good and all, but shouldn't you let them know you're here?"

"Fuck, I should have thought of that,"

"You probably should have,"

Eren reached for for his pocket before realizing these weren't his jeans.

"Your phone is on the counter," Levi said, "I made sure to check your pockets so nothing would get ruined in the wash,"

"Oh thanks," Eren replied and reached out to take his cheap phone. "Fuck, no credit,"

"You can use my phone," Levi offered.

"No, it's fine," Eren insisted, feeling uncomfortable that Levi had to do everything for him.

"Your deathbed," Levi retorted before standing up. Just as Eren was about to ask what he was doing, Levi began to take Eren's clothes out of the dryer. He folded them neatly before then placing them in Eren's bag from yesterday.

"Come on, I'll take you home,"

"No that's fine, I can walk,"

"Just come with me, it's fine honestly,"

"Okay then. Don't you even want to know my name yet?"

"Not really to be honest,"

"Well it's Eren. Eren Yeager,"

"Come on, Yeager. Don't keep me waiting forever."

 

"Thanks, Levi," Eren said as he climbed out of Levi's sleek Porshe.

"No problem," Levi replied, "Don't slam the door on the way out or I swear to god I will castrate you,"

"I won't! Promise!" Eren babbled, having no doubt that Levi meant his threat. With an awkward wave Eren watched as Levi's car started up again and left the sidewalk. Once the car disappeared into the distance Eren began to walk up the long flight of stairs to his apartment. _Damn that broken elevator_

"Where the hell were you!" Karin snapped before Eren even opened the door. Before he could even answer, Eren was yanked into the apartment.

"I'm sorry, I got caught up with some stuff," Eren answered pathetically. He could tell by Karin's cold glare she wasn't impressed.

"And you couldn't tell me what  _stuff_ you were so busy doing until one in the afternoon so I spend all morning panicking over where the hell you are?!" Karin yelled.

"I'm sorry my phone ran out of credit," Eren mumbled, avoiding Karin's furious stare.

"That's not good enough Eren! You know how dangerous your job is you could have genuinely been killed!" Karin exasperated "and don't you dare tell me you're wearing that scarf as an accessory,"

"I was cold," Eren lied quietly, fiddling with the black scarf Levi let him borrow in the car.

"Bullshit," Karin growled, and began to tear away Eren's scarf. Eren slapped away Karin's hands but it was useless. The thick fabric was clutched tightly in her delicate palm as she openly gasped.

"Eren, you did not see him. Promise me you didn't Eren. I swear to God, Eren if you did," Karin rambled, her words coming out too fast. Worry was evident in the crease of her eyebrows and the widening of her quivering eyes.

"I don't want to get into it, Karin, but I promise you I didn't see him," Eren answered honestly, "I don't want to have anything to do with him any more anyway,"

"Just tell me if you're not coming home next time please," Karin begged, "Don't worry me like that again or I won't hesitate to throw you out of the kitchen window,"

"I promise, Karin," Eren smiled gently, "At least I got your paints,"

"You are such a twat," Karin laughed softly, before pulling Eren into a hug.

 

"Eren you have to come with us!" Nathan cried.

"I'm tired, and besides I have work," Eren retorted, "Maybe next time,"

"But Eren! You know Angela won't come if you don't!" Nathan protested, "She's just going to sulk in the corner on her own if you don't come!"

"What, so we can sulk in the corner together?" Eren chuckled.

"Yes! Besides I don't want some creepy guy chatting her up because they think she's single," Nathan explained.

"She wouldn't cheat on you Nathan,"

"I know and I trust Angela with my life! Eren you know that! It's other people I'm worried about. People have no boundaries!"

"You're not one to talk,"

"I only smother people I love! I don't go up to random people I find hot and rub myself all over them! Besides you'll have fun!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course! Come on Eren, live a little!"

"I would but I have work Nathan, I told you that,"

"Ask for the night off, you already worked yesterday when you weren't supposed to,"

Nathan was right. Why should Eren have to come in when he already did yesterday? His hours were too demanding anyway. He deserved the night off, right?

"Fine, give me your phone," Eren gave in and Nathan gave his phone to him wordlessly. "I need to text Marco to get him to tell the Boss that I'm not coming in,"

"Probably shouldn't tell him you're ditching them to go clubbing," Nathan advised deviously, "Might not sound too good,"

"Of course not," Eren scoffed, "I'll say I'm ill,"

"Genius," Nathan beamed.

A sharp knock on the door interrupted their conversation and Nathan ran towards the door.

"ANGELA!" Nathan exclaimed and pulled her into a bone bruising hug, "You dyed your hair! It looks so good!"

"Thanks you dork," Angela smirked as she prodded his nose, "Glad you like it,"

"How do you think blue would look on me, Eren?" Nathan asked, running a hand through his tousled curls.

"You would look terrible," Angela answered bluntly. Nathan held a hand over his heart like her harsh words had physically hurt him.

"I take it back! Your hair looks awful!" Nathan declared which only made Angela laugh harder.

"Well we both know that isn't true," Angela retorted.

Angela was a tall, skinny woman with sandy skin and wide mossy eyes. She had soft features which were easy on the eyes and her once jade hair was currently a frosty blue, apart from the shaved section on the side of her head which remained its natural stubborn brown. Angelia was dressed casually in dark jeans, trainers, and her usual worn band tee. Her eyes quickly scanned the marks on Eren's neck but she didn't say anything.

"Hey Eren," she greeted warmly with a dazzling smile.

"Hey," he replied back.

"Where's Lia?" Angela asked curiously.

"We're meeting her at the doors," Nathan replied as he turned back to their room to finish his hair.

"Jesus, Nathan do you ever clean your room?" Angela gasped as she inspected the clustered floor.

"Of course I do, Karin would kill me otherwise," Nathan chuckled, shoving aside his pile of Disney films to sit down on the navy blue carpet.

"You need to clear out some of this Disney stuff. I swear you to God you love Disney more than you love me," Angela scoffed.

"Disney doesn't judge me," Nathan declared.

"You are such a dork," Angela rolled her eyes with an amused smile.

"You love me really," Nathan teased, shoving her leg with the arm that wasn't occupied with drenching his hair in hairspray.

"How could I not?" She said sarcastically, and kicked him back with a slender leg. "Lia's texting me to tell you to hurry up,"

"Tell her perfection takes time," Nathan retorted, "She will have to wait if she wants her boyfriend to look good. How can she show me off otherwise,"

"You know most people just assume you're our gay best friend anyway," Angela snorted, "I've had to convince way too many people that you actually are my boyfriend and not someone so far in the closet that you're still trying to convince people you're straight."

"I never even was in the closet, babe. I just like people who are hot," Nathan shrugged, "People just assume I'm gay because no straight guy could look this good," Nathan stated.

"Hurry up you dork. If you put any more hairspray on I'm going to have to slap a flammable hazard on your face," Angela teased.

"But it would obstruct my beautiful face!" Nathan countered.

"What beautiful face?" Angela sassed causing Eren to erupt into laughter.

"You traitor!" Nathan accused whilst teasing his hair.

"Shut up," Angela teased, before sending a grin over Eren's way.

"Come on Nathan, you don't want to piss Lia off,"

"Fine, I call shotgun!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Second chapter already I know I'm that impressive. I planned to put the scene in of them at the club in this chapter but it'd get too long otherwise. Also writing with cable internet is hell when your family is contantly checking over your shoulder. Thanks for reading xxx


	3. Against The Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst angst angst angst angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter would have been out a lot earlier but I was on holiday and stuck with cable internet which eventually broke, and then my flight was delayed by six hours which meant I got home at midnight instead of five pm

Eren is awoken the next morning by the shrill call of his phone and a pounding headache. He reached out blindly for his mobile, knocking several items off the bedside table whilst doing so.

“Hello?” Eren answered blearily, wiping sleep from his eyes.

“Eren! Where the hell where you last night!?” The familiar voice of his boss, Gavin yelled. Eren winced at his loud volume.

“Didn’t Marco tell you I was sick?” Eren mumbled, thanking his hangover for making him sound groggy.

“I don’t care! I don’t get a day off every time I so much as sneeze!” Gavin snapped.

“But sir, I already worked the day before!” Eren protested.

“So what? You were meant to be working yesterday and that’s all that matters!” Gavin countered.

“That’s not fair!” Eren declared.

“Cry to someone else, Jaeger. I’m expecting you to work full time for the next two weeks to make up for this!” Gavin exclaimed.

“But sir-” Eren cried.

“This isn’t debatable Yeager!” Gavin interrupted sharply, “I expect to see you at eight o’clock tonight and not a second later.”

Eren hung up and threw his head into his hands. He screamed into his pillow and fought the urge to tear it to pieces.

“You okay?” Nathan asked cautiously, “I heard shouting,”

“My boss is being a dickhead,” Eren explained, “He’s pissed that I didn’t come to work yesterday,”

“Sorry, this is my fault,” Nathan apologised sincerely.

“It’s not,” Eren reassured with a tired sigh, “Blame my boss,”

“I wish you would leave that place, Eren,” Nathan frowned, “It’s not good for you,”

“You know I’ve tried,” Eren retorted, “It’s hard to leave when you’re in so deep,” _Also most jobs don’t pay you daily._

“I guess,” Nathan exhaled and wrapped his arms around Eren’s shoulders, “Come on, there’s aspirin in the kitchen.”

 

Eren sat down onto one of the kitchen stools whilst Karin searched the cupboards for medicine. She passed Eren a glass of water and a small white tablet, which he took gratefully. The icy liquid was refreshing against his parched throat. One he swallowed the painkiller he began to cook breakfast.

“Don’t make me any,” Karin said as Eren was about to drop another strip of bacon in the pan.

“Oh, okay then,” Eren complied, placing the food back into the packet. Karin nodded silently and turned to walk back to her room.

Eren tried to ignore the gnawing feeling in his gut that something was very, very wrong.

 

Eren didn’t like Dwayne’s house. In fact he didn’t like most of his customer’s house’s, but something about this house made him feel especially uneasy. Maybe it was because he knew he was all by himself, or maybe it was the mould crawling behind the peeling wallpaper.

The wine carpet was in a desperate need of vacuum cleaning. Dwayne’s pine furniture was rotting to pieces and black mould was caked in the corners. A thick, damp stench clung to the house like a humid fog.

Dwayne wasn’t Eren’s only customer who liked to do something a bit kinkier than just a normal fuck. Eren agreed to anything that didn’t leave his limbs or eyesight immobilized; He wasn’t going to put himself in danger for someone who didn’t even know what a safe word was. But when he saw the pair of animal ears he felt his resolve growing fine.

“Come on, baby. Don’t look like that,” Dwayne hummed, stroking Eren’s tan thighs. He diverted his gaze as the hands hitched further up his legs.

“Come on, Kitten. Be good for Daddy,” He whispered into Eren’s ear. He couldn’t help but let out a repulsed shudder.

_This is what you’re paid for, Eren. This is all you’re good at._

Taking the headband out of the other man’s hands, Eren placed them on top of his unruly hair. Shooting him a sultry stare, he leaned forward until he was only a breath away from his lips.

“Meow,” Eren purred, turning his hand into a playful claw. Dwayne moaned noisily and laid Eren against the headboard.

“Condom,” Eren interrupted as Dwayne lifted his hips.

“I don’t remember cats being able to talk, kitten,” Dwayne hissed.

“I am _not_ fucking you without a condom,” Eren stated firmly.

“Don’t be like that, kitty. It feels better like this,” Dwayne promised.

“You do know I’d get fired if I got an STD,” Eren shot back.

“Are you saying I’ve got fucking herpes?” Dwayne demanded, shoving Eren back causing his shoulders to hit the bedframe painfully.

“No, I’m just saying it’s possible,” Eren insisted.

“Well I don’t have any condoms on me so I guess we’ll just have to do without,” Dwayne huffed. Eren rolled his eyes and reached down to retrieve his trousers.

“Guess it’s your lucky day,” Eren commented dryly, holding up a condom between his fingers. He fought off the scowl that threatening to take over his calm expression. Again, the rules were _very_ clearly laid out at the brothel.

“Oh, fuck this!” Dwayne hissed and yanked Eren towards him. He interrupted Eren’s protests with a sloppy kiss and dragged him into his lap forcefully.

Panic flooded his system. Eren bit his Dwayne’s tongue. Hard.

“What the fuck!” He yelled meanwhile Eren frantically collected his clothes and fled from the room. He yanked on his jeans as he scrambled down the stairs. He lost his balance as he pulled on his fishnet shirt and stumbled down the last steps. His head smashed harshly on the grimy wooden floor.

“Fuck,” he cursed, but the adreline pumping through his body didn’t let him stay still. _Run. Run. Get the fuck out of here! It doesn’t matter where, just fucking run!_

Eren bolted the door open and sprinted down the filthy streets barefoot. He could faintly hear furious yelling behind him, which only fuelled him to go faster. Stray stones tore into Eren’s feet but the pain didn’t distract him in the slightest.

His breath came out in stuttered gasps as he collapsed behind a leaking dumpster. He was away for now. Hysterical sobs racked his body as he shook violently. The adreline was being to wear off and the frosty wind hit his bare skin like a punch.

His boss was going to be so pissed. And for what? He was going to get into deep shit and he didn’t even get his money! Frustrated tears ran down Eren’s face as his fists trembled violently. He hated feeling like this. Hopeless. Useless. Scared.

“Nathan,” Eren said, trying to keep his hands still so he could hold the phone, “I know you’re busy but please can you pick me up?”

“Of course, Eren. Where are you?” Nathan replied softly.

“I’m in Shiganshina. I’m just by the Wall Maria restaurant,” Eren answered unevenly, looking around at his surroundings.

“I’ll be there as quick as I can,” Nathan said gently, “I love you, Eren. Stay safe,”

“Ok,” Eren nodded and hung up.

He crawled out from behind the dumpster so Nathan could spot him, but still stayed out of the city lights. Eren used his time waiting to compose himself and stop trembling. He could still feel his hands over him as if they had been tattooed there.

He felt a wave of relief rush through him as he noticed Lia’s car drive around the corner. He scampered towards the car and let himself in the backseat.

“Hey Eren,” Lia greeted tenderly, sympathy flashing through her mocha eyes. She tied up her midnight hair as Eren curled into Nathan’s open arms. The city lights flashed onto her pecan skin, painting it a dark cinnamon.

“Where’s Angelia?” Eren asked, desperate to get the attention off of him.

“She’s at her Dad’s,” Nathan answered lightly.

Eren nodded and curled closer to Nathan’s chest. Nathan laced his arms around Eren’s quivering frame and buried his face into his coffee locks.

“You’re going to okay, Eren. I promise.”

 

Eren trudged into work exhausted, emotionally and physically. His feet stung where his plasters rubbed against his shoes and a dull ache resided in his legs. He was so weary he could barely sign his name at the desk properly. He could feel Marco’s concerned gaze on him at a distance but he ignored it.

Rushed footsteps paced behind him and Eren turned to reveal Gavin. His face was an alarming red and teeth were imbedded in his bottom lip.

“Do you want to explain to me what the hell happened last night?!” He roared. Eren did _not_ need this right now.

“This is about Dwayne isn’t it?” Eren sighed.

“Who else would it be, Jaeger?! I can’t believe you fucking ran away when you didn’t even get his money!”

“He was trying to talk me out of wearing a condom!”

Gavin hissed irritably and breathed out through his nose.

“You still should have gotten the money beforehand Eren.”

“What, so he can beat me up for stealing from him later?” Eren retorted furiously. “Sorry for not getting your fucking precious money but I was kind of busy trying not to get fucking raped!”

“Don’t speak to me as if I’m a fucking retard!” Gavin snapped.

“Don’t say stupid things then!” Eren exclaimed.

“You’re suspended for the next week,” Gavin snapped.

“What?” Eren gasped, “Sir, this isn’t my fault!”

“After your next customer you are to leave this place immediately and not return until your suspension is up,” Gavin explained bitterly.

“That’s bullshit!” Eren shouted.

“Careful, Jaeger. You’re treading on thin ice,” Gavin warned, “Now go and do your job, for fucks sake.”

Eren wanted to scream. Fury boiled deep down to his core, lighting up his body in an untameable fire. His fists violently shook by his sides as he repressed the will to punch the wall to shreds. Storming off to his room he furiously kicked the bedpost and let out an agitated shriek.

“Uh-sorry,” a quiet voice interrupted his tantrum, “I have a-an hour with Sebastian Castillo,”

Eren paused. He remembered Nathan laughing as he suggested the name saying that it ‘would be ironic since it’s so classy unlike your job.’ Eren never really felt like the name suited him, too rich to work for a sleazy prostitute. No one had ever said anything though. Customers prefer to use disgusting pet names or words like ‘slut’ when referring to Eren. It didn’t exactly make him feel great.

“Yeah,” Eren sighed, “Just give me a minute,”

“Y-yeah, okay,” he stammered and sat cautiously on the edge of the plump bed.

The boy had a small, skinny frame which made him look barely over eighteen. His hair was a tame ashy blonde which fell into his gentle blue eyes. He had wide childlike features with a button nose and snowy ivory skin dotted with faint freckles.

His gaze flickered through the room, avoiding Eren. A magenta flush stained his rounded cheeks. Eren couldn’t believe he was eighteen; however he knew he had to be otherwise he wouldn’t have been let in. They didn’t fuck around with the law here. Well, as much as a brothel could.

“Let’s get to it then,” Eren exhaled heavily and leaned forward to the other boy’s face, causing his blush to burn even brighter. “You don’t have to be nervous. I can guarantee I’ve fucked worse people than you,”

“I-it’s not that!” He flustered, “It’s just-I’ve never even kissed anyone before,” he mumbled.

Eren’s eyes widened slightly. He’s had virgins before, but never quite to this extent. He couldn’t help but be faintly surprised. It wasn’t like the kid was bad looking.

His bottom lip trembled as he looked away, covering his blush with his hair.

“Hey, hey,” Eren hushed, “I’ve probably kissed worse people than you,” at least he laughed slightly at that.

“This was such a bad idea,” he winced into his hands.

“Listen. We don’t have to sleep together if you don’t want to,” Eren suggested, both for the boy’s benefit and his.

“Y-yeah, I’d like that,” he agreed and leaned in closer.

Eren closed the space between them and softly pressed his lips against his. It was a soft, chaste kiss but it was incredibly sweet, something Eren hadn’t felt in a while.

“Okay?” Eren asked, leaning his forehead against the other boy’s.

“Y-yeah,” he replied, and carefully placed his hands at Eren’s waist. He nodded at him and Eren leaned down to kiss him again. Slowly, he began to move his lips against his, and cupped a red cheek with his hand. Eren traced his lips with his tongue causing him to gasp. It was a strangely adorable sound.

Eren felt like a teenager again. A teenager whose only worries where math homework and not when the rent was due. He felt like a rebellious teen that had secretly snuck his boyfriend into his room without his parents knowing, doing things that would surely make them angry. When the worst threat was your parents being mad with you.

Then again it’s not like his teenage years were spent completely ignorant. Memories of warm, cobalt eyes and gentle strawberry lips flashed through his mind, followed by worse memories of stormy indigo irises and shouting. Eren dismissed them immediately, not wanting his thoughts to trail to a dark place.

Their tongues met and Eren couldn’t help but feel a spike of dread run through him. He was so innocent in a way that reminded Eren of how he used to be, the way he wanted to be.

He didn’t want to be some worthless whore whose life depended on meaningless sex with strangers. He wanted to be a bright-eyes teenager again with hopes and dreams, someone who could actually see a future. He didn’t want to be feeling so old at twenty one.

“A-are you alright?” The boy asked, looking genuinely worried.

“Yeah, it’s just been a bad week,” Eren replied.

“It’s only Thursday,” He frowned.

“Like I said, it’s been a bad week,” Eren sighed, and waved it off.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised, giving Eren a pitying look.

“Don’t,” Eren replied angrier than he meant to, “It’s not your fault, just don’t pity me,”

“Sorry,” he murmured and Eren exhaled heavily. “Your eyes,”

“What?”

“They’re beautiful. I can’t decide if they’re green or blue or not,”

“Oh,”

_Eren, your eyes are like the ocean_

_You’re beautiful, Eren_

_Let’s get a house by the beach when we grow up_

_Please don’t go, Eren_

_I love you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to name my chapters after artwork by Osnat Tzadok because her work is amazing and I felt it worked with the art theme in this story. Thank you for reading and I'm sorry for no Levi this chapter, but he will be back soon! And by soon I mean the next chapter


	4. The Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren visits Levi and Hanji and Erwin are introduced

Once Eren was home he decided he may as well return Levi's things whilst he had the time. In truth he was delaying the moment when he'd have to start picking people up in bars, but no one needed to know that.

He was thankful that Nathan was out so he could easily quickly his things and leave. Karin was either out (which was unlikely) or stuck in her room. The house seemed especially clean today which would have concerned Eren, but he was just grateful he didn't have to explain what had happened yet. He knew he'd have to eventually, but people worrying over him always made him uncomfortable.

Eren still remembered where about Levi lived so he took the train since the ticket officers never actually asked for tickets. It was a pleasantly short ride which Eren spent staring out of the window, watching the gray scenery flash through the window. Distantly he could hear muffled rap music through cheap headphones which only made his mood sourer.

_Maybe I should try to get a real job. But what place is going to hire me? I have no work experience apart from being a slut and what job can I get with that that will pay me enough to get through the week?_

He could possibly work more than one job. He works too much anyway. Would working in a fast food restaurant really be that bad? Better than selling himself, but for minimum wage? At least with prostitution he got for than a single note as a paycheck.

Maybe if he was talented like Karin was he could just sell his art whilst actually getting respect for his job. Hell, even if he had Nathan's charisma he could get a better job than asking people if they wanted fries with that. He was hopeless.

Eren thought of his younger self shouting at him for giving up so easily. He remembered his old determined words he would shout at people when they gave in themselves, but where were those words now? How did he get here? No motivation, no aspiration, and no will to even change that. His teenage self would be disappointed in him and that hurt a lot more than it should.

The announcement alerting the passengers that they were nearly at his stop snapped himself out of his thoughts. _Oh yeah, I'm going to see Levi._

Once the train had halted Eren rose from his seat and stepped onto the platform. The icy breeze reminded Eren that he needed to get a winter coat. Or he could steal one of Karin's. Screw masculinity,  he was fucking freezing.

He immediately felt out of place as he paced along the pavement to get to Levi's house. The streets were expensive and clean with the people walking them dressed neatly in designer suits and Italian leather shoes. Eren may have well been homeless in comparison with his faded t-shirt and hoodie. He certainly didn't imagine the few dirty glare he got as he irritably lit up a cigarette.

Eren sighed, visibly relaxing as he exhaled a string of smoke. However he could still feel a buzz of frustration in his nerves. He was still pissed off at his boss and his bitter mood wasn't going to let up anytime soon.

Thankfully he made it to Levi's house without getting lost too many times. He had stumped out his cigarette on the pavement long ago and raised his hand to ring the doorbell. He was greeted by a surprised, tired looking Levi.

"What you doing here, brat?" Levi questioned with an eyebrow raised suspiciously.

"I have some spare time so I decided to give you your stuff back," Eren explained, pointing towards his bag.

"You didn't have to do that," Levi replied before sighing, "It's fucking freezing out here, come in,"

"Thanks," Eren smiled weakly, stepping into the house. Granted, it wasn't that much warmer. He took off his shoes and laid them neatly against the door. Levi nodded in approval, and walked into the kitchen.

"Do you want tea?" Levi asked as he turned on the kettle.

"No thanks," Eren answered, placing the bag on the floor in the corner, "I'll take coffee if you have it though,"

Levi shot him an odd look but shrugged it off and reached into the cabinets anyway. Eren sat down onto the kitchen stool as he silently took out two cups. His gaze trailed to a neat pile of canvas' stacked up on the marble table. Without asking, Eren reached for the painting on top and examined it. He didn't know why it stuck out to him but something about the unique blend of colours interested him.

A small girl with sickly pearl skin was completely naked apart from a trail of pristine-white lilies wrapped tightly around her limbs. Her skin was bruised and wine-coloured from the flowers digging into her frail frame. She had large, crystal blue eyes outlined thickly with sooty charcoal, as well as the rest of her youthful features. The girl's right arm was reaching out slightly, as if asking for help but was too hesitant; The arm also had four vines of lilies curling around it, instead of three like her left did.

She was drowning in a midnight blue ocean tinged with purple. The waves splashed across her figure as it dragged her further down to the ocean floor, making her smudged porcelain hair fly behind her  A cracked filter was placed over the canvas, like the shards of a mirror messily clued together.

"Hey, don't you know it's rude to go through an artist's work without asking?" Levi scolded, slamming his mug of coffee in front of him.

"Sorry!" Eren apologized with a louder volume than he intended, "I didn't mean to, it just interested me,"

Levi raised an eyebrow, but sighed and sat opposite him. He lifted his teacup by the rim and lifted it to his slim lips.

"What do you see?" Levi inquired, nodding towards the painting in Eren's hands, "Analyze it for me."

"Okay then," Eren agreed, slightly confused as to why Levi would want him to. He stared at the canvas again for a few moments with a puzzled expression. "Oh," he realized, "It's an abusive relationship,"

"Go on," Levi prompted. Though he had his usual blank expression, there was a glint of interest in his cloudy eyes.

"Well, the ocean is pretty obvious. She's drowning in her depression caused by her relationship, as she's sinking and blue is the colour of sadness so that's simple enough," Eren shrugged before continuing.

"She knows her relationship is hurting her but she isn't trying to get rid of it because she only sees the beauty in it; That's what the flowers mean and why she isn't tearing them off. I'm also guessing you used the flowers of death on purpose as well?"

"The fact that she's nude shows her vulnerability. Why she's so skinny goes without saying, and her white hair shows her innocence which has been tainted by her relationship, that explains the dark grey highlights. It's also shown by her childish features which have exaggerated dark circles and outlines. She grew up too early, and her relationship is to blame for that."

"She's scared to ask for help, shown through her hand that's almost reaching out, but still cautious. She doesn't think there's any hope so she's just letting the waves drag her further down the sea which gets gradually darker the further down it is, until she eventually let's her relationship fade into nothing."

"As for the shattered glass on top, it's showing her distorted perceptive. She sees herself differently now, like she's looking at herself through a smashed mirror," Eren paused to take a large gulp of coffee, "That's pretty dark, Levi,"

Levi looked at him with a mixture of surprise, approval, and curiosity. It was the most emotion Eren had ever seen on his usually bored expression.

"Am I right?" Eren asked, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under his intense stare.

"It's not what I had in mind when I painted it, but your reasoning's solid," Levi answered,"And it isn't too morbid. Look at it again,"

Eren stared at the piece once more and noticed a thin strip of light blue sky. The girl was in reaching distance, she only had to reach out.

"She can still get out," Eren breathed, "She just needs to realize it,"

"Yep. Light at the end of the tunnel and all that cliched bullshit," Levi confirmed, "This stuff is pretty old. I was going to sell it or get rid of it, but you've managed to impress me, Jaeger. Seems like you do have a brain in that empty skull of yours. I didn't take you as someone who does art,"

"Don't call me Jaeger, my name's Eren," he huffed, "And I don't do art. At least not anymore,"

"What stopped you?" Levi asked, genuine curiously hidden behind his vacant expression.

"I just didn't feel like my art was going anywhere," Eren shrugged, "I didn't do very well and I just started to hate everything I drew so I dropped it,"

"Hm," Levi replied and took a long sip,"Draw something for me,"

"What?" Eren asked.

"I said draw me something," Levi repeated "You've just proven to me you're not completely stupid, you can do a simple task right?"

"Yeah, but I don't have anything with me!" Eren exclaimed.

"I'm pretty sure I can lend you pencils, brat," Levi rolled his eyes as he picked up a sketchbook laying on the counter. He pushed it towards him and left the room to get a pencil and rubber.

Jittery nerves jumped around in Eren's stomach. It had been years since he had properly drawn something. The thought of Levi disapproving his work, or telling him he had no talent only made him more anxious. Showing other people his work made him feel uneasy, his work was private and was personal to him, like a diary.

Levi quietly returned with some basic equipment and laid it out orderly in front of him.

"What do you want me to draw?" Eren asked

"Just anything," Levi just shrugged as he sat down

"But I don't have any ideas,"

"Draw me then,"

"You're not going to get naked are you?"

"No. Unless you want me to?"

"Uh, no. I'm good thanks,"

"I never thought I'd see a prostitute blush,"

"Shut up!"

"Just draw, brat,"

Eren exhaled and picked up his pencil. He tried to calm his blush as he began to sketch simple outlines of his angular face.

"You don't have to look so constipated, brat," Levi said, crossing his arms, "You could draw a piece of literal shit and I wouldn't say anything. I don't care if you make me ugly,"

Eren laughed softly at  his weird humor. The tension in his shoulders lessened as he continued to draw.

Levi wasn't conventionally attractive with his dark circles and icy features but there was something in the way he held himself which Eren found alluring. He tried to capture his protruded collarbones through his long sleeved V neck, the glint of his distracting lip piercing, and the shiny sheen on his smooth raven locks as realistically as he could.

He tried to clean up the sketch a bit by outlining it boldly and rubbing out his scratchy pencil lines. After adding some simple shading along his jawline and neck he was finished. He laid down his tools and turned the sketchbook towards Levi.

Levi inspected it for a moment before placing it back onto the table.

"Not bad, kid," Levi complimented, "You have potential,"

"Really?" Eren said disbelievingly.

During school his teachers had always told him that his style was too messy and comical to ever get taken seriously. To hear Levi of all people compliment his work was a shock.

"I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true," Levi countered. He was about to open his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the doorbell.

"Oh Jesus Christ, it's going to be Shitty Glasses and Eyebrows," Levi groaned, getting up to answer the door. Eren followed obediently, not sure whether he should or not.

Opening the door was a mistake. Levi was immediately attacked by a chaotic blur of scruffy brunette hair and old-fashioned glasses.

"Levi!" They shrieked, "It's been so long,"

"Get the fuck off me shitty glasses," Levi scowled, shoving them off of him.

"Try not to suffocate him, Hanji," A deep voice chuckled.

He had pristine blonde hair which was neatly groomed into a military undercut. He had a sturdy jawline and strong features, whereas Hanji had untamed dark hair, sloppily pulled into a ponytail. They had a playful expression and friendly chocolate eyes.

"It's been so long since we had movie night!" Hanji exclaimed, "You don't know how many shops we had to go in to look for salted popcorn for you,"

"That sugary stuff tastes like shit," Levi retorted.

"You just hate it because it isn't bitter like you," Hanji cackled and skipped towards the living room. Erwin followed her with an apologetic expression towards Levi, which he ignored. Eren was unsure whether to pursue them or not.

"You can stay if you want but I'm just warning you that Hanji's fucking insane," Levi warned.

Eren thought about it for a moment. It gave him an excuse to further procrastinate telling Nathan and Karin the bad news.

"I'm sure I can handle a little crazy," Eren smiled.

"Say that again when they start to suffocate you," Levi replied.

They both walked into the living room which Eren hadn't seen before. Like the rest of the house, the walls were a clear white, the only colour coming from various artworks hung up neatly. The furniture was sleek and dark, which contrasted with the wooden floorboards. Black mahogany cabinets filled one of the walls with a vast collection of books, ordered perfectly in size and colour. Several potted plants decorated the bare space, and a comfortable leather couch was pointed towards an expensive flat-screen television.

"Ooh! Who's this cutie, Levi!" Hanji squealed as he sat down besides them.

"This is Eren," Levi replied, "He's a...friend,"

"Aw, Erwin! Levi's making friends," Hanji beamed, clinging onto his side. Eren feared what would happen if they ever met Nathan.

"Hanji, try not to sound too harsh," Erwin advised, but couldn't help chuckle a little.

"I hate you both," Levi glowered.

"You know I always through you looked like a leprechaun when you frowned," Hanji giggled as they poked the space between his eyebrows.

"Fuck off, shitty glasses," Levi shoved them, "What films did you bring anyway,"

"We have..." Hanji paused to take the DVDs out of Erwin's bag, "The Avengers, Batman: The Dark Knight, some shitty horror movies, more shitty horror movies, and Iron Man!"

"Go with Iron Man, Tony Stark's hot," Levi said and shuffled towards the DVD player.

"I have no objections," Erwin complied and Hanji simply cried out excitedly.

Levi nodded and settled back onto the sofa between Erwin and Eren. He crossed his legs and settled back whilst Hanji made the popcorn.

"I'm going to regret letting them into my kitchen aren't I?" Levi exhaled deeply.

"Have some faith, Levi. It's just a microwave," Erwin chuckled but was interrupted by a piercing shriek.

"For fucks sake," Levi hissed as he sprinted towards the kitchen. He was relieved to see Hanji running their hand under the tap instead of flames devouring his kitchen like he had expected.

"Sorry, the packet was hot," Hanji laughed sheepishly.

"Try not to scare the shit out of me next time, shitty glasses," Levi punctuated with a hit to their head.

"At least I didn't set fire to the microwave this time!" They beamed as Erwin cautiously poured the popcorn out into a large clear bowl.

"You shouldn't have to be proud of that," Levi said but Hanji only laughed.

Whilst Hanji and Erwin weren't talking to him, he still felt included. Hanji was a bit eccentric and Erwin didn't talk much but they were nice people and made Eren feel welcome.

"Come on," Levi sighed, "Let's watch this goddamn movie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading （　´∀｀）☆ Be prepared for a shit ton of angst next chapter


	5. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I was busy with dumb shit and suffering from minor writers block but I managed to sneeze this chapter out in the end

Eren fell asleep after the fourth film. A week of overtime does that to you; even if he could just say that the cliché plot line literally made him go to sleep. He couldn’t help the blush that stained his cheeks when he realized he fell asleep on Levi. He was strangely comfortable, and far more muscular than he looked.

His pillow twitching was what awoke Eren. Sleepily, he pushed himself up and pulled away the blanket resting on his lap. Eren was confused by how it got there, but he suspected it had something to do with the fact that Hanji and Erwin weren’t in the room.

Levi’s thin eyebrows were creased, forming harsh wrinkles on his forehead. His teeth were embedded in his bottom lip and his entire body was shaking. He seemed to be asleep but not peacefully.

“Levi,” Eren whispered, running a hand through his hair to try and wake him calmly. His hair was as soft as it looked.

A shiny sheen of sweat rested on his forehead as his shaking got worse.

“Levi,” Eren repeated, shaking his shoulder lightly.

His eyes flew open and shoved away Eren’s hands. His breath came out harshly and unevenly as he pushed himself away from Eren. Eren was unsure what to do, so he sat back to give Levi his space. He took in sharp breaths as he tried to control his breathing.

“Fuck,” Levi sighed, “Sorry, I just…Fuck,”

“It’s okay,” Eren assured, “You don’t need to apologize,”

Levi sighed again and stood up.

“Where are Hanji and Erwin?” Levi asked, his voice still shaky. Eren shrugged in reply but looked out of the doorway to see them talking in the kitchen. Levi followed his gaze to see them and exhaled deeply.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Levi announced and exited to the bathroom. Eren was unsure as to what he should do. He wasn’t going to continue watching the shitty movie on screen of course.

“Eren!” Hanji greeted loudly as he entered the kitchen. Eren waved with a meek smile and sat on the spare seat opposite Hanji and Erwin.

“Where’s Levi?” Erwin inquired.

“He’s having a shower. I think…” Eren hesitated, “I think he had a nightmare,”

Erwin and Hanji immediately frowned.

“He’s been getting more of those recently,” Hanji said darkly. They looked at Erwin with an expression Eren didn’t understand. It seemed that they were having a private conversation in their heads, one that Eren wasn't invited to.

"I'll check the cupboards," Erwin nodded as Hanji fished through the drawers. Eren sat dumbfounded as they searched the kitchen for whatever it was they were looking for.

"Is there anything I can help with?" Eren offered awkwardly.

"Don't worry about it," Erwin smiled reassuringly at him, "It's not anything important,"

Eren wanted to say it definitely looked important from the way they were looking at each other, but he bit his tongue.

"They must be in his room," Erwin gritted his teeth.

"Don't," Hanji warned, "Later,"

"Sorry, Eren," Erwin chuckled, "I realize this musn't be that fun for you,"

"No, it's fine," Eren assured, although he would like to know what was going on.

"I can take you home if you like. I don't think Levi's going to up for much later," Erwin suggested "It's not your fault so don't take it personally."

Eren wanted to decline the offer. He hated when he let people do things for him for free, but the trains didn't run this late, and neither did the buses. It wasn't like his apartment was in walking distance either.

"Yeah, that would be helpful," Eren answered.

Erwin nodded with a charming smile and took out his keys from his trousers.

"Bye Hanji," Eren waved and they waved enthusiastically back.

"Hope to see you soon, Eren," They grinned. Erwin nodded in their direction before leaving through the front door. Eren followed him until they reached his flashy silver car. He got in at the front, next to Erwin and gave him the directions to his apartment.

They drove in a comfortable silence. As they passed across Trost Bridge Eren noticed Erwin stare out of the window wistfully. He had a mixture of nostalgia and sadness in his eyes, before directing his gaze back on the road. Eren wanted to ask but felt like he shouldn't.

Due to the lack of traffic they arrived quickly at Eren's apartment complex. Erwin scribbled something on a stray piece of paper with a pen from his shirt pocket.

"Thanks," Eren said as he stepped out of the car.

"No problem," Erwin flashed his dazzling smile once more, "I put mine and Levi's numbers on there if you ever need anything," His eyes dropped down to his neck subtly.

"Oh, thanks," Eren blinked, taking the slip from his firm grasp.

Erwin waved before driving off and fading into the mist. Eren waved back and stepped into the chilly building. He added the numbers to his phone as he climbed the mountain of steps in front of him. It was around four am, the usual time Eren came home from work. He'd just have to tell Karin and Nathan tomorrow.

Collapsing onto his bed, he shut his eyes ready for sleep. Caramel arms wrapped around him as he slowly dozed off.

"Mhm...You smell like...popcorn," Nathan mumbled sleepily.

"Shut up," Eren giggled drowsily.

 

Eren hated bars. They smelled liked cheap beer and stale cigarettes and were always too loud.  He could almost taste the sweat dripping in the room. Classic rock music blared through cheap speakers, making the audio sound distorted and crackly.

Perched on a bar stool, Eren sipped at his shot of raspberry vodka. It was best to let the customers come to you, not the other way around. When you approached them they would be fine until they realized they would have to pay. Things only got ugly from there.

Someone should have approached him by now. The bar was fairly crowded and leather made Eren's legs look  _amazing_. Not even a free drink? His first night wasn't going so great. Not for the first time today, Eren cursed his boss for how complicated he had made everything.

He was about to go somewhere else when he saw a face that turned his blood to ice. His legs began to quiver as he fought off angry tears.

"Eren," he gasped.

He still looked exactly the same. Same dark, tousled hair. Same deep, blue eyes that could rival the ocean's. He seemed to have to gotten even taller from the last time Eren had saw him, although less muscular. His jawline was freckled with light stubble and he was dressed smartly, yet casually.

"No, no, don't even start. Fuck off, Alexander," Eren spat.

"Don't be like that," Alexander breathed softly, "What happened to your neck?"

"None of your fucking business," Eren hissed.

"When did this happen?" Alexander crooned, lightly touching his neck.

"Get the fuck off me, Alexander!" Eren roared, slapping away his hands.

"That's not what you call me, Eren,"

"You're not Alex to me anymore,"

"I want to talk with you, Eren. Please it's important,"

"Well that's too bad because I never want to talk to again,"

"Eren, please,"

"No! Just fuck off, Alexander! Can't you understand that I don't want to ever talk to you again!"

"I'm so sorry, Eren. I can't justify what I did, but I want to start over again,"

"That's what you always said! And what bullshit that was!"

"You know it upsets me when you get like this Eren,"

"Fucking fantastic. You don't deserve any less,"

Alexander looked like a wounded puppy. Tears had formed in the corner of his eyes and his bottom lip was trembling.

"You can't make me feel sorry for you, not again. Not after everything you did to me,"

Eren stormed out of the bar, desperate for air. He lit a cigarette with trembling fingers, and harshly inhaled.

"Eren, I want to talk about this," Alexander persisted. The hand on his shoulder was supposed to be comforting but it was anything but. 

"Talk about what? Talk about the fact you completely ruined my life? Talk about the fact that you're the reason I'm so fucked up today?" Eren barked.

"I want to change that, Eren. I want us to be the way we used to be," Alexander murmured gently. 

"The way we used to be? You beating me whenever I did anything wrong? Me almost getting killed because you can't control your fucking jealousy?!" Eren snarled, "I don't want to fucking hear it, Alexander!"

"Is he bothering you?"

Eren turned to see Hanji staring at the two of them with a curious expression. They may as well have been an angel in that moment. 

"Yes," Eren snapped shortly.

"Eren," Alexander whispered, eyes glistening with tears, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm not putting up with your shit anymore," Eren hissed.

"Listen, buddy," Hanji beamed, "I don't think Eren's very interested into talking to you at the moment, so I think it's best if you just leave,"

"Please, Eren. Don't do this," Alexander begged. 

"Sorry," Eren retorted dryly. 

He brushed away the hand resting on his cheek and stood besides Hanji. Eren glared at him with as must detest as he could muster. Alexander stared at him back with the expression of a wounded animal.  _That's not going to work, you fucking arsehole._

"Bye!" Hanji waved cheerily, or at least Eren would think it was cheerful if it wasn't for the dangerous glint in their eye. 

"You ever talk to me again I will kill you," Eren growled, meaning every word. Hanji lifted their eyebrows, either amused or impressed. 

"You okay?" They asked.

"Yeah," Eren sighed. He ran his hands through his hair in a attempt to calm himself down, but he could feel the hysteria rising high in his stomach.  _He's back, he's back, he's back. He's not going to give up so easily. Shit, what if he's sees Karin or Nathan? The week is just getting worse and worse._

"Who was that?" Hanji inquired curiously.

"Ex boyfriend," Eren responded. He was proud of himself for not spitting the words out. He breathed in deeply through his nose, a technique Karin taught him to calm down. 

"Do you need a ride anywhere?" Hanji offered.

"No, I'm fine," Eren politely declined, "I have to work anyway,"

"Okay," Hanji beamed. Eren was grateful Hanji didn't ask what job he would be doing at eleven pm. Then again, they could probably guess pretty easily from what Eren was wearing. He pulled at the hem of the tight tank top he was wearing in a attempt to be slightly be decent. He had to settle with Karin's biker boots instead of his combat ones, which meant these were too tight around the ankles.  

_Were am I going to go now? I can't go back into the bar I was just in, and what if Alexander follows me? I wouldn't put it pass him to do something like that. What if he freaks out if he finds me? What do I mean if? He will definitely freak out when he finds me, his kind act can't last forever!_

"Hey Eren!" Hanji flicked the side of his head, "Breathe,"

"Thanks," Eren sighed, taking in deep breathes to please Hanji. They grinned warmly at him when he did so. 

"Where you going to go now?" Hanji asked.

"I don't know," Eren admitted, "I'll just have to find somewhere," 

"I wouldn't go wondering around with some psycho ex on the loose," Hanji advised cackling. _If only they knew._

"I don't really have much choice," Eren shrugged with a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. Hanji looked guiltily at him, making his stomach turn uncomfortably. 

"There's a nice restaurant by where I work," Hanji suggested, "Nice, classy place, good to pick people up in. You're cute enough, just look sad and lonely and just wait for queues of people just begging for it."

"Thanks Hanji," Eren snickered, "I'll give it a go,"

"Yay!" Hanji exclaimed, "We may as well go together considering I need to check on the store anyway!"

"Okay," Eren agreed. 

They walked together as Hanji asked his random questions about his life and hobbies. Eren made the mistake of asking Hanji about their passion for art and ended up listening to a long, rambling discussion about modern art and cubism. Hanji never ran out of things to say about a certain subject, and when they did they quickly moved on to ramble even more.

By the time they had reached the store Eren was exhausted. He had barely gotten a word in sideways during Hanji's ranting and debating with themself. 

"Do you do art Eren?" Hanji asked eagerly.

"I used to," Eren answered. He was honestly surprised when Hanji didn't interrupt him halfway through.

"You mean you stopped! Why!?" Hanji cried.

"I just did," Eren shrugged, "I didn't like doing it anymore,"

Hanji gave him a dumbfounded look but then shook it off.

"You should get back into it! Levi said you were really good!" Hanji almost yelled. 

"Levi talked about me?" Eren replied surprised. 

"Only briefly, we weren't gossiping about you, don't worry," they reassured with a wide smile. 

"I believe you," Eren snorted. 

Eren scanned his surroundings in search of a restaurant but he found nothing. Wouldn't he have noticed a restaurant the last time he was here? Actually come to think about it, he probably shouldn't think about the last time he was here.

"Are you cold?" Hanji asked once they noticed Eren shiver.

"Kinda," Eren replied, not completely lying. He  _was_  cold; it wasn't like he was dressed appriately for the weather. "Where is this restaurant you talked about Hanji?"

"Ah, about that..." Hanji trailed off with an awkward giggle, "It kinda doesn't exist,"

"Hanji!" Eren shouted incredulously, "This is serious, I can't screw around with stuff like this,"

"Hey, hey, let me finish," Hanji countered, "I'm short on staff tonight and I need someone to work for me. I'll pay you,"

Eren thought about it for a moment. It wouldn't be nearly as much as he would earn normally, but would he even find a customer tonight? It would be nice to earn some clean money for once. _Might as well._

"Okay," Eren complied, "What do I have to do?"

"You just have to stack shelves and put stuff back in the right place!" Hanji explained, "Simple, right?"

"Yeah," Eren agreed, and stepped into the store with Hanji.

"Levi!" Hanji greeted excitedly. 

He lifted his head from the book he was reading and regarded Eren with a puzzled look.

"What's he doing here?"

"He's going to help you out around here!"

"I'm hardly overwhelmed by customers Hanji,"

"It's just for tonight," 

"Tch, fine. Polish those shelves over there,"

"Okay," Eren said, taking the spray and cloth from Levi's hands. The shelves looked perfectly fine to him but he decided not to say anything. 

"Don't be too bossy, Levi," Hanji teased, and took her place behind the counter. 

Eren wondered why the store would even be open at this time. Like Levi had said, there weren't many customers, and Eren doubted the floor needed to be cleaned that badly. It was better than doing nothing though, at least he could be somewhat helpful. Besides, cleaning isn't  _that_  bad.

Levi and Hanji bickered about random subjects, usually resulting in Hanji getting swatted on the head, or Levi's cheeks being pinched. They argued like an old married couple. It was honestly quite amusing the way they fought. 

"Oi, brat!" Levi hollered, "The water-based paints need stocking, fill them."

"Yes sir," Eren mocked with a salute. Levi only glared in reply. Taking the large box of paints, Eren dragged it along to the right section and began filling the shelves.

"But seriously though, why are there so many different types of paint? Like, what the fuck is acrylic?" Eren huffed.

"Are you illiterate?" Levi replied, "It clearly says it paint,"

"That's not what I meant," Eren rolled his eyes, "I've just never properly heard of it before,"

"You said you used to do art,"

"That was only digital!"

"Jesus, you really are illiterate,"

"What does not knowing what acrylic paint is have to do with not being able to read?"

"I'm insulting your intelligence,"

"I gathered that."

Levi didn't say anything else. Eren worked through his shift, trying to shake the image of blue eyes and dark hair of out his head.

It wasn't going to leave anytime soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going back to school tomorrow (*uncontrollable crying*) so I won't be able to update this as much anymore. I plan to have a new chapter out every Wednesday so I'll see you all then. Thanks for reading!!


	6. Blossom

When four am finally rolled around Eren was desperate for a cigarette. His body was twitching nervously as he anxiously tapped the counter service. 

"I was thinking, wouldn't it be really inconvenient to have a store open at 3 am? I mean you'd have to pay for extra lighting and overtime and you're hardly going to earn tons from it, isn't it just kinda pointless?" Eren inquired. 

"Well it's not like we go overboard with electricity here and we don't have to pay employees for overtime since Hanji and I both own this store so it's not that bad," Levi explained blandly, "To be honest we work this late because we need something to do. Hanji and I don't sleep and we're the kind of people who need distractions late at night,"

Eren was surprised. He didn't think Levi would be the kind of person to so openly admit his weakness', and so casually too. 

"Besides, we've had a least five customers tonight," Levi added with an offhanded shrug. Eren chuckled softly in reply and continued dusting the shelves. He was sure to be immaculate with his cleaning. He didn't want to be scolded by Levi again. 

Levi was flicking through a thick, bulky scrapbook. His eyes flickered quickly over the pages so quickly Eren wondered if he was actually looking at them or not. Eager for a distraction from his thoughts, Eren opened his mouth.

"What you looking at?" He asked curiously.

"Trying to get inspired," Levi answered simply.

"Artblock sucks, right?" Eren chuckled.

"Hm," Levi hummed in response, "Where is that shitty glasses with the food?"

"She should be back soon," Eren replied, "Then again, is anywhere still open?"

"The petrol station not far from here is open twenty-four seven," Levi explained.

"Why did Hanji want me here?" Eren questioned.

"You shouldn't think so hard, kid. You look constipated when you do," Levi snorted.

"Don't try to change subject. You can't bullshit me and say you needed more workers," 

"Listen, it's not often I talk to people other than Erwin and Hanji. I'm not ashamed to admit I only have two friends. Hanji was probably overjoyed I was talking to other people and saw the opportunity and took it,"

"What opportunity?"

"To make more friends,"

"Are we friends?"

"Fuck if I know." 

"Who wants Doritos!" Hanji exclaimed, bouncing into the store. Two blue plastic bags spilling with food hung on their wrist.

"About time," Levi scoffed, catching the packet Hanji threw at him perfectly. He ripped open the packet and dug in, somehow still managing to look neat whilst doing so. 

"Catch!" Hanji cackled and threw another bag at Eren which he clumsily caught. Levi rolled his eyes at Eren's failing arms barely grasping the packet. 

They sat down on the counter and flicked through the scrapbook in Levi's hands.

"Oi, shitty glasses! Get the fuck off!" Levi ordered, shoving them off. He drew out anti-bacterial gel from beneath the counter and wiped it clean with a pristine cloth. Eren raised his eyebrows at his focused expression whilst he cleaned before dismissing it as unimportant. _No one can be completely normal, I guess._

_I want us to be the way we used to be, Eren._

_I want to talk with you, Eren. It's important please._

_Eren, please._

It infuriated Eren that Alexander kept saying his name so softly. It infuriated him even more that he called Alexander by his name. That thing didn't even deserve to have one, he wasn't human at all. But there was still a tiny part of him that he hated that wanted to believe he was. A part that wanted to fall back into his arms and let him apologize endlessly and believe him when he said things would be different.

But they never were. In fact it only got worse as time went on. The beatings got stronger, the words harsher and Eren only got weaker and weaker. He was disgusting fragile, broken so simply by a pair of ruthless hands and a ruthless heart. His fists tightened. 

"Hey, snap out of it," Levi commanded whilst wiping his fingers with a wet wipe. His sharp words broke Eren out of his daze. _  
_

"Sorry, I spaced out there," Eren laughed nervously.

"It's that ex-boyfriend isn't it!? I knew I should have handed his arse to him! Something about him seemed off," Hanji huffed.

"Can we not talk about this right now," Eren sighed.

"Drop it, Hanji," Levi snapped. Eren looked at him thankfully but he only shook his head to say it was nothing. 

"Oh well. Time to pack up," Hanji giggled. They skipped towards the cash register to lock it whilst Levi quickly wiped down a few surfaces and turned off the lights. Eren placed an unlit cigarette between his lips as he fidgeted anxiously. 

They stepped out into the bitter, frigid cold which slapped against Eren's exposed skin. 

"Take it," Levi offered, removing his coat.

Eren only blinked at him. _Was Levi being kind? Surely not? Then again just because he wasn't exactly friendly didn't mean that he was mean._

"That wasn't a suggestion, I don't need to dropping dead because you decided to die of frostbite. Take it," Levi pushed the fabric into Eren's hands.

"Thanks," he replied, wrapping it tightly around himself. The jacket smelled of coconut shampoo and fresh laundry. It was made of leather and was adorned with studs neatly arranged on the shoulders. It had a warm cotton lining on the inside that instantly warmed Eren up. He didn't even mind it was a size too small. 

"It's nothing," Levi dismissed nonchalantly whilst Eren tried not to be too obvious with smelling the jacket. "Just don't get cigarette smoke on it, I fucking hate the smell of those things,"

"Sure," Eren complied, cautious to blow away his smoke to the side. Hanji pulled down the protective shutter over the store and waved to it.

"Bye bye store!" They beamed, "See you tomorrow,"

Eren suspected Levi was used to this since he didn't comment, just rolled his eyes. He found it sort of sweet, as if Hanji saw their store as a child or something. It reminded him of how his mother used to wave goodbye to him when he went to school, so sincere and heartfelt.  _No, don't think about her now, your mood is already shit enough._

They stopped in front of Levi's car and got in. He didn't ask for directions before he drove in the direction of Eren's apartment. Old metal music blared from the speakers, the kind that Karin sometimes plays, as the car paced through the empty streets. 

 Exhaustion was beginning to take its toll on his body. He slouched into his seat and battled to keep his eyes open. He must have lost at one point because he felt himself loose consciousnesses. A comforting blackness surrounded his vision.

 

_"Who the fuck is Nathan?!" Alexander growled._

_Eren was sat on Alex's bed going through his homework. He hadn't yet changed his uniform and his red tie was hanging loosely around his neck._

_"Have you been going through my texts?!" Eren replied incredulously._

_"You didn't answer my question! Who the fuck is Nathan?!" Alex was shouting now. Eren put away his homework. His boyfriend must be having one of his insecure moments again._

_"Nathan is a friend. He's in my English class and I have his number because we're working on a project together," Eren explained, trying not to let his irritation show. His boyfriend's jealousy was getting on his nerves. It used to be sweet, a sign that he cared about him, but it was starting to get tiresome._

_"I don't want you talking to him," Alex snapped. His hands tightened into fists as they trembled._

_"Why?! It's not like I'm going to cheat on you because I have friends!" Eren couldn't help but yell. He knew it was the wrong thing to say when Alex was yanking him off the bed in an instance._

_"I said I. Don't. Want. You. Talking. To. Him," Alex repeated, his voice like grating gravel._

_"And I say that's bullshit!" Eren shouted, pushing him back so hard he stumbled._

_Alex's hand strikes across Eren's face before he even realizes it. Fiery pain erupts in his cheek as he gasps._

_"You are not going to talk to him anymore, do you understand!"_

 

"Eren!"

A calloused hand is shaking his shoulder. Eren's eyes shoot open and he sees a concerned Hanji and Levi besides him. 

"Sorry," Eren murmured, "I fell asleep,"

"Well we could see that," Levi retorted sarcastically.

"It's fine, Eren," Hanji assured brightly, "We're here now anyway," 

"Thanks," Eren mumbled as he crawled out of the car.

"Here," Hanji said, holding a fifty pound note in her hand, "Thanks for helping us tonight,"

"It's fine," Eren replied, "Thank you," he took the note out of their hand and putting it in his pocket. It had been a while since he had last earned money that didn't stink of sweat. Eren's chest felt warm with something he didn't understand. Pride? Success? Whatever it was, it felt nice.

Hanji stayed behind whilst Levi and I climbed the flight of stairs to my apartment. Levi walked up the stairs with ease, not showing a single sign of weariness even when they were up on the highest floor. 

"See you around, brat," Levi dismissed, stepping back down the stairs.

"Bye Levi," Eren yawned, stepping into the apartment. 

"Where were you," Karin inquired sharply as soon as he stepped inside. Her arms were crossed and her eyes narrowed.

"At the brothel, where else would I be?" Eren lied.

"No you weren't," Karin snapped, "Marco was wondering how you were since your suspension. You lied to me,"

Eren cursed Marco's kindness under his breath. He groaned and ran his hands through his hair. 

"I didn't want you to worry," Eren sighed. Karin breathed heavily through her nose. 

"Well I definitely was worrying when I had no idea where you were!" Karin's voice was steadily rising. 

"Look, I'm sorry!" Eren apologized tiredly, "You know now, okay? Can I just go to bed?"

"Something happened," Karin observed, "You're not telling me something,"

"I got suspended, that's it," Eren replied with more bite than he meant to. 

"You're definitely not telling me something," Karin corrected herself.

"Karin, I don't want to go into it! Just leave it!" Eren shouted.

"No! Not when I don't know what's going on," Karin refused, "Tell me what happened,"

"How about you tell me what happened to you! You've barely eaten at all this week! Let alone left your room!" Eren countered furiously. 

Karin looked like a shot mammal. Her eyes instantly widened and grew misty. 

"Fuck off, Eren. Just fuck off," she spat and stormed off into her room, slamming the door behind her. Eren growled in irritation and punched the wall behind him. Frustration pumped through his veins and, fuck he needed another cigarette. 

"Eren, Eren, calm down," Nathan soothed gently. His hair was tousled and his eyes were still clouded with sleep. A Buzzlightyear plushie was trapped in his grasp. 

"No! Why don't you calm down!" Eren shot back. Nathan sighed, and placed his hands on his shoulders and steered him to bed.

"Eren you're tired, go to bed," Nathan said softly but with a commanding tone. 

"Fuck off, I'm not tired," Eren insisted but a yawn deceived him. 

"You can think over it in the morning, just go to sleep, Eren," Nathan whispered. Eren begrudgingly nodded and fell into bed. He let Nathan tuck him in as he curled in on himself.

"Good night, Eren," Nathan hushed, "I'm going to go talk to Karin."

Eren hummed in reply to let Nathan know he heard him. He fell asleep in less than a minute. 

 

 _"_ _You've been ignoring me," Alex stated softly. Eren jumped at his voice and instinctivly moved away, "I want to talk,"_

_"Get away from me!" Eren cried, hating the way his voice trembled._

_"I'm so sorry about what happened, Eren," Alex apologized. He looked so genuine it physically hurt to look at him. "I didn't mean to, I honestly don't know what happened. Eren, if you even take me back, I promise to never hit you ever again."_

_"Alex, I don't know what to say," Eren replied unsure, "You scared me,"_

_"I know Eren, and I'm so sorry you had to feel that way," Alexander coaxed. His hand slowly placed itself on Eren's shoulder. He shivered at the touch and raised to gaze to meet Alex's, "Am I allowed to kiss you, Eren?"_

_Ignoring the gnawing feeling in his gut, Eren leaned forward and answered his question. Alex's lips always were so soft. He snaps back when he hears wolf-whistling in the background._

_"Let's go somewhere else shall we?" Alex chuckled and bit Eren's nose teasingly. He nodded in reply, not bothering to hide the grin splitting his lips._

_"Alex," Eren breathed heavily, "I don't...I'm not ready,"_

_"Hey, shh. It's okay, Eren. I don't want to do anything you're not ready for," Alex smiled warmly._

_"Can we just...Stay like this?" Eren asked, curling into Alex's waist._

_"Of course," he beamed. His arms looped around Eren's chest and he nuzzled into Eren's newly marked neck._

_"I love you,"_

_"I love you more."_

_"Wow! You're so good at drawing!" Nathan beamed, looking down at Eren's sketchpad._

_"Oh, I'm just doodling," Eren laughed, "Thanks anyway,"_

_"No fair! I can't even draw a stick figure without screwing it up!" Nathan whined._

_Eren chuckled heartily. He liked Nathan, even if people did take the piss of out him for his flamboyancy. He was fun and it was rare to come across people who were so positive._

_"Eren?" Alexander called out cautiously._

_"Yeah, Alex?" Eren replied. He turned to see him approaching them with hurried footsteps._

_"Let's go,"_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I said so,"_

_"But I'm fine here,"_

_"Eren, I said let's go,"_

_"I'll see you around, Nathan," Eren sighed, packing up his stuff into his backpack._

_"Bye Eren," Nathan beamed, "I'll see you later Alex?"_

_Alexander didn't say anything in reply, and grabbed Eren's hand and dragged him away._

_"What's wrong Alex?" Eren asked._

_"I thought you would have learned your lesson when I told you I don't want you talking to him!" Alex growled._

_"What did he mean when he said he'd see you later?"_

_"It's my Mother's birthday today and Nathan's father is one of her friends, she's having a party today,"_

_"Why didn't you invite me?"_

_"Why are you changing the subject?"_

_"I'm not-"_

_"Yes you are, Eren! You always do this!"_

_"Do what? Talk to people? I don't want to screw every guy I talk to!"_

_"Well you certainly act like it!"_

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"I mean that you looked like you were into him, Eren. You can't blame me when you know I get easily jealous!"_

_"You're being ridiculous!"_

_"And you're acting like a slut!"_

_"How am I a slut? I've never even slept with anyone!"_

_"Yeah! I know,"_

_"You are being such a dick Alex!"_

_His hands coiled around Eren's neck and gripped tightly._

_"This is not my fault!" Alexander roared and released his grip. Eren felt as if he was breathing through a straw as he let out stuttered breaths. Alexander walked away without looking back. Eren was grateful for the empty hallways as he slid down to his feet and weeped._

_He was going to do it. He was finally going to break up with Alex. Eren had been meaning to do this for a while but Alex would end up saying something and they'd go through the same destructive cycle all over again. But not today. He was going to do it for real this time._

_Alex's parents always went to Tennis practice on Thursday afternoons, meaning the house would be empty. The last thing Eren needed was an audience for this. He was nervous enough as it was._

_He knocked on the thick, wooden door and waited. And waited. And waited. Where else would Alex be? Remembering the key under the doormat Alex had once used when they were locked out, Eren let himself in._

_"Alex?" Eren called out but was given no reply._ _Jogging up the steps Eren let himself into Alex's room and screamed._

_Nathan in Alex's bed._

_Nathan and Alex_

_Naked_

_Together_

_In his bed_

_"What the fuck is this?!" Eren declared._

_"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!" Alexander cussed under his breath._

_"You didn't answer my question! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" Eren screamed._

_"Wait, hold up. You told me you broke up with him," Nathan said, pulling on his boxers._

_"Eren, I thought you weren't interested! You never seemed to want sex so what was I supposed to think?"_

_"THAT'S YOUR EXCUSE! WAS THAT WHY YOU WERE PISSED OFF THAT I WAS TALKING TO HIM? YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO FIND OUT?! WELL LOOK AT HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT!" Eren screeched_

_"You arsehole!" Nathan exclaimed._

_"Honestly, you can't blame me for this! Wouldn't Eren be far more upset if I had recently broken up with him, you should have figured that out for yourself!"_

_"Don't you fucking dare pin this on me!"_

_Hot, furious tears ran down Eren's face. His chest felt like it was being torn apart and it didn't even mean anything to Alexander. Eren was nothing to him. Worthless._

_"How could you do this?" Eren sobbed._

_"I didn't do anything Eren, you're the one who found us,"_

_Eren thought about it for a minute. Maybe it was Eren's fault. It was Eren who made him angry. It was Eren who had walked in on them. Maybe Alexander really was right, and Eren was all to blame._

_"What utter bullshit! You know what your problem is, Alex? You never blame yourself for anything! You'd go to the ends of the earth to prove that you're right instead of even considering that perhaps you're actually the one that's wrong!" Nathan spat._

_Eren wished Nathan had never stood up for himself._

_He felt like his chest was going to explode._

_Eren was sprinting erratically through the streets. A bulky backpack was swinging off his shoulder and his cheap trainers were rubbing against his raw blisters. His breath came out in ragged sobs as his shoes slammed against the pavement. Pain shot through his leg with every step he took._

_He had to get away. The sooner the better, and the further even greater. It wasn't like anyone was going to miss him. It was his fault that things had ended up like this._

_His fault that Alex got mad. His fault that Nathan was in hospital. His fault that his ankle was sprained and his face bruised. His fault. His fault. His fault._

_The guilt was unbearable. Just thinking about it made Eren want to curl into a ball and sleep forever. He had screwed everything up and only he was to blame._

_But he could get away from that. He would be away from Alexander now. He'd be safe on the streets. Or at least as safe as he could be._

_His fault his fault his fault._

 

Eren woke with a strangled gasp. His heartbeat was frantic and the air was being sucked out of the room. He grasped the sheets tightly to gain his loosing focus. Slapping himself harshly on the cheeks he snapped himself back into consciousness. 

"Shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY COMPUTER DECIDED TO BE A TWAT AND LOOSE THE LAST PART OF THIS SO I HAD TO REWRITE IT AND I AM SO ANGRY. Now that that has been established I hope you enjoyed my cheap exposition. Have fun with the next chapter *evil laughter*


	7. Rough Land

Eren didn’t want to go back to sleep afterwards so he dug up an old rubix cube littered on the floor. Of course it eventually ended up smashed against the wall in frustration, waking Nathan up. He was always a light sleeper, but with the force Eren had thrown it, it could have woken up Sleeping Beauty.

“Eren,” Nathan murmured, “What’s wrong?”

Eren said nothing but shook in silent anger. Muted tears spilled down his cheeks and his fists violently shook. Now was not the time to be around Nathan.

“Just don’t,” Eren hissed shakily.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Eren,” Nathan said softly. He shuffled over closer to Eren and placed his hand on his shoulder. He shook it off immediately.

"Just fuck off!" Eren spat venomously.

"Only if you tell me what's wrong," Nathan persisted firmly.

"Well right now it's you!" Eren retorted.

"This is about Alex isn't it?" Nathan sighed. A look of guilt and regret passed his face briefly which made Eren's stomach lurch. 

"I said fuck off," Eren snapped.

"You were calling his name in your sleep,"

"Fuck off!" 

"It's okay to be upset about it, Eren. It'd be more worrying if you weren't,"

"Just shut up!"

"I...I know I'm not the best person for you to talk to you about this right now, but I'm willing to listen."

"I'm going out."

Eren stripped his pajamas and yanked on the first clothes he saw. He probably looked ridiculous  but he didn't care. Mismatched socks were the least of his worries. 

"You're going out?! Where would you go?!" Nathan asked incredulously, "Eren, you're not thinking properly, come back to bed,"

Eren brushed off his words and reached for the door. 

"Eren! Wait!" Nathan yelled, stumbling out of the bed. His hand grasped into a deathly grip on his shoulder, anchoring him to the ground, "You're not going out at 5 am. You might not care what happens to you, but Karin and I do!"

"Why? You let me do it every other night! You let me whore myself out to random strangers, but you're worried about me taking a walk?!" Eren exclaimed. Nathan paused for a moment, studying Eren's expression.

"You're not worth any less because of how many people you've slept with," Nathan breathed.

"I'm leaving," Eren hissed.

"No, you're not!" Nathan cried, "You do stupid things when you're mad, I'm not going to do nothing when you're willingly getting yourself hurt!"

"Because you've never done that before have you?" Eren snarled. 

Nathan looked hurt. Really hurt. 

"I would have helped sooner if I could have Eren, you know that," Nathan sobbed, tears prickling his eyes, "I know I should have, but I swear to God I didn't know what was going on Eren," 

"Bullshit!"

"I promise I didn't know, Eren!"

"Just leave it!" 

And with that Eren sprinted out through the door with his feet clad in a pair of bunny slippers. Guess who they belonged to. They were hard to run in but Eren managed. Barely. He raced down the stairs, skipping the last three steps.

He needed space, but most importantly air. His mind was a mess of cluttered racing thoughts which made no sense. He could distantly hear Nathan calling after him but it was indistinguishable over the blood pounding in his ears. 

Rain battered down onto his shaking frame as he ran outside, accompanied by the furious cry of thunder. His loose clothes were soaked in minutes. His limbs shook from the water's icy bite, but it was drowned out from his fiery fury. 

_Alexander was here. How did he even find me? I never told anyone where I went! It couldn't be coincidence. What if he had planned this? He going to come back again. It's not like him to just give up. This is my fault._

_My fault_

_My fault_

_My fault_

It was hard to breathe again.

_If I had just never met him, never fallen in love with him, I wouldn't be here. I would be staying with my foster mother in a large, toasty house, probably working as a Doctor earning lots of money with a handsome successful lawyer, and we'd have beautiful adopted children. I'd be mentally-stable without trust issues and overwhelming guilt and difficulties sleeping and nightmares and I-I_

_I wouldn't be running away._

_  
_Eren's heart rattled ferociously against his rib cage whilst his vision swam. The open space of the empty street closed in on Eren, squeezing him until the claustrophobia choked him.  His stomach churned wildly like a rabid beast. Eren's hands twitched and shook violently as a flash of thunder crackled.

All my fault

My fault

My fault

His knuckles cracked against a too-close wall. The pinch of gravel biting into his hand was refreshing against the overwhelming fog that had clouded over his thoughts. Hot, scarlet blood leaked down his hand to his wrist, staining the unmarked, tan skin there.

It only got more difficult to breathe as the wall closed in tighter and tighter, squeezing harder and harder. It didn't hurt enough so he punched the wall again.

Again

And again.

The pain helped his brain focus through the thick sludge he was treading through. It felt agonizingly good. The stinging in his fist eased away the hysteria and Eren's mind came into focus again. He sat against the wall, not caring how filthy the floor was. Picking stones away from his wounds, he breathed deeply. Sticky sweat glued his mismatched clothes to his hot skin. 

Eren was thankful for the rain. It washed away the filth coating his body like a tacky jacket. The sound of the drops splashing against the pavement was calming. Eren didn't even realize he was crying through the numbness that shook his body from the icy rain.

_Great, now you've made Nathan worry because you had a hissy fit. What would Mum think of you right now?_

But Eren couldn't always kid himself. He knew he Mum would only comfort him through his attacks. She would sing him lullabies as he fell asleep in her arms and wouldn't leave a moment before he woke up. The familiar pinching sensation in his chest returned thinking of her.

He didn't want to go back to the house in fear of upsetting Nathan even more. He didn't deserve this, no matter what mistakes he had committed in his early years. Once again he had hurt someone he loved without meaning to.

_My fault_

"Get up, it's filthy down there," A voice ordered.

Eren raised his head in surprise. It was Levi standing above him, black umbrella in hand. His hair was prim and proper as always as well as his simple black clothing despite the rain. Eren noticed his usual green stretcher had been changed to dark grey plugs instead. He looked startlingly beautiful in the light of a dusty dawn.

"What are you doing here?" Was all that Eren could ask, wiping away tears from his eyes. Levi didn't miss the action.

"I was going on a walk," Levi replied. Whilst Eren knew he wasn't lying, he knew there was more to it, "Now get up, you look fucking disgusting,"  

Eren complied and stood up, noting how damp his slippers felt. Levi's eyes ran down his outfit but said nothing. Eren shifted uncomfortably. 

"Such a brat," He muttered under his breath before turning in the opposite direction, "Come on,"

"Where are we going?" 

"Doesn't matter."

 

Eren was confused why he was standing with Levi on Trost Bridge at six am. The rain had muted to a dull drizzle. A frosty breeze dragged itself lazily across the air. They stood together at the edge with only a rusty barrier separating them from the murky depths below.

"You know, Eren," Levi began, "Six years ago today I was stood on this bridge ready to jump,"

Eren blinked.

"What?"

"I was going to kill myself. Go splat," Levi clarified with hand motions.

"No, I know what you meant, it's just-Why are you telling me this?" Eren babbled. 

"Because I survived," Levi explained, "I've been through some fucked up shit in my life and I'm not going to go into it. Don't get me wrong, this isn't me saying I have it worse than you because I have no idea what shit you've have to go through. What I'm saying is, is that it's going to get better.

I know it sounds like bullshit, and I know that just because it won't always be bad doesn't mean things will always be good either. You still have to go through all the shit and just because the future will be better doesn't make the present anymore bearable, but I promise you, your pain will not be for nothing."

Eren was speechless for a moment.

"I don't really know what to say Levi," Eren mumbled. He felt awkward that Levi had told him something so personal and yet the only thing that Levi knew about him was that he screwed men for a living. 

"My first boyfriend abused me," Eren confessed, adjusting his posture to lean against the railing, "I haven't dated anyone since,"

"I know," Levi admitted.

"How did you-"

"The painting. It has a way of bringing out people's secrets,"

"And what does it mean to you?"

"Honestly? Everyone else's view on it seems a lot better than mine was. Yours was an abusive relationship, Hanji thought it was someone being something they're not and Petra thought it was about the pressure of wanting to be beautiful. For me it was simply drugs,"

"What did Erwin see?"

"Someone who needed help. He's got a saviour complex like that. Fucking eyebrows, always has to save everyone," Levi almost smiled at that, "I'm surprised he hasn't tried to get your tragic back story yet,"

"Did he get yours?"

"Eventually,"

"Levi?"

"Yeah,"

"How did you survive?"

Levi sighed contently and turned his gaze to the sky.

"I never got the chance to jump."

 

"I haven't mentioned this so far, but you should burn that outfit," Levi commented as he stepped into his apartment. Eren had declined Levi's offer to drive him home so he offered to wash his clothes instead with a look that was far too understanding.

"I kinda just picked up the first thing I saw," Eren replied sheepishly 

"I can tell," Levi retorted bluntly, "You need a shower as well, you smell like shit,"

"Thanks," Eren muttered sarcastically. He walked to the bathroom, shedding his clothes whilst he did so. It was a lot easier to get the shower to work this time. 

The warm water was soothing against his sore aching muscles, even if it did make his hand sting. Emotional turmoil had left him exhausted added with the fact that no one should up before eleven am. 

After his short shower, he dried himself off quickly so he wouldn't drip everywhere. He felt slightly nostalgic from the first time he had been at Levi's house. Was that really only around a week ago? It felt like way too long but short at the same time. 

"Your hand is bleeding," Levi stated once he stepped out of the bathroom. Eren looked down to his hand to see the wound had opened up, spilling crimson liquid onto his fingers, "Let me clean that,"

"Okay," Eren complied, sitting down on the kitchen stool where Levi motioned him to. He stood on his toes to open a cupboard containing a first aid kit. He opened it and laid it out onto the table, revealing it's sterile white contents.

"At least you don't need stitches," Levi sighed as he sat down next to Eren. 

It hurt a lot when he cleaned the wound, but it wasn't anything Eren couldn't handle. Once he cleaned his wound, he wrapped a bone white bandage around it securely.

"The bruise on your neck has nearly faded," He commented offhandedly.

"I've always healed quickly," Eren shrugged. He moved his hand closer to his face to inspect his bandage.  _Karin isn't going to like this._

"Do you want to tell me what happened or are you going to carry on torturing yourself?".

"Not really,"

"Then stop looking like you're constipated,"

Eren couldn't help but laugh at Levi's social grace. He had never met anyone who was so awkward with words yet so self-assured at the same time. 

"Could I stay here for a bit. I just need to sort myself out, I'll be gone by tomorrow," Eren asked.

"Put some clothes on first, kid."

 

They ended up watching shitty horror movies to pass the time. Eren was beyond exhausted but was too worried to go back to sleep. Halfway through the third movie Levi began sketching random objects surrounding him, claiming that 'If I see another unnecessary panty shot I'm going to go on a killing spree.'

Eren tried to concentrate on the film but his gaze kept turning to Levi's clenched jaw and his bitten lip, the long slope of his neck and his alluring collar bones hidden behind his sweater. He mentally chastised himself for looking at Levi too much. 

_He's just a really, really hot guy, Eren. Come on you're not some blushing school girl, you can concentrate on something else than his face for a minute can't you? Well, it isn't like he's noticed._

"Can you stop staring at me?"

_Fuck._

"Sorry,"

Eren was confused when he felt his phone vibrate. Who would be calling him? Oh yeah, Nathan. He answered with a grunt.

"I thought I made it clear I didn't want to talk to you," Eren sighed loudly.

"That's not important right now, Eren!" Nathan exclaimed. His voice was high-pitched and panicky. Eren sat up straighter.

"Nathan, what happened?" Eren asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Karin's in hospital."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hysterical laughter* I couldn't let my characters be too mentally stable for long. I said I would upload this on Wednesday but I didn't because I am trash. School ended up being way for tiring than I expected so I decided I would update this at least once a week. It will probably be on the weekend though. Thank you for reading <3


	8. Winter Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would have been out earlier but my depression came back swinging so trying to write has been a bitch.

Eren forgot to breathe for a moment. His entire body froze.

"What?" He gasped, praying he had heard wrong. 

"T-they're saying it was a car accident. She's in A&E right now," Nathan explained shakily.

"Shit," Eren hissed, "I'm on my way right now," 

"I'm at Trost Hospital, get here soon,"

"I will."

Eren leaped up from the couch and frantically tugged on a stray pair of shoes. 

"Oi, brat! What are you doing?" Levi demanded at Eren's frenzied state. 

"I need to get to the hospital immediately!" Eren shouted, clumsily tying his laces.

"I'll take you, just calm down," Levi slowly replied. He stood up and slid into a pair of studded Creepers. Grabbing his car keys from the coffee table he spun it around his finger as he promptly exited the house. Eren followed until they reached his car, getting into the front seat. He let Nathan know he was on his way. 

"Can you drive any faster?" Eren begged impatiently.

"Any faster and we're not going to be the only ones in hospital, kid," Levi warned, even though his foot did press down further on the pedal. 

_Oh god, what if she dies? What would I do if Karin died? Nathan would be destroyed. I'd be destroyed._

Eren dug his nails into his palms to control his racing thoughts. He didn't want to have another attack in front of Levi. His fingers itched to have a cigarette.

He was grateful that Levi didn't try to spark up a conversation in the car. He didn't think he'd be able to cope with awkward small talk at the moment. 

_"Eren? Is that you?" Eren recognized the voice immediately. He lifted his head to see Nathan staring at him wide-eyed. Behind him stood a tall red head scanning Eren's dirty hair and tattered clothes. That must be his adopted sister, Karin._

_Eren moved to scurry away but was interrupted when Karin caught his wrist._

_"He asked you a question,"  She stated sharply. Eren avoided her eyes._

_"Yeah, it's me," he replied sheepishly. Eren wished the ground would just swallow him up._

_"What happened to you?" Nathan gasped. A look of guilt and sympathy contorted his features._

_"Nothing," Eren fibbed._

_"Bullshit," Karin snapped._

_"Listen, it was cool seeing you again and stuff, but I have to go," Eren rambled, cheeks flushed nervously._

_"No, you're staying," Karin said firmly._

_"We're getting lunch, you should come with us!" Nathan beamed, with it was strained._

_Eren looked uncertainly at the two of them. He would certainly get kicked out of wherever he went. The homeless weren't normally accepted in fancy high-class restaurants. Screw that, the homeless weren't accepted anywhere.  
_

_"By lunch you mean Mc Donalds," Karin rolled her eyes._

_"Don't pretend you're better than Mc Donalds, Karin. Mc Donalds is better than you," Nathan defended huffily. She smiled so faintly it was barely detectable._

_"Come on," Karin scoffed._

_Unwillingly, Eren followed as she dragged him towards the fast-food restaurant. He just had to get it over with and it would be done._

_They insisted on paying. The cashier regarded Eren strangely before turning to prepare their food. She wasn't the only one staring._ _Eren's face burned as Nathan handed over the money for his meal._

_It had been so long since his last meal._

_He was grateful when they picked a desolate seat on their own in the corner. Eren suspected Karin chose it for that reason but he didn't say anything. He ate calmly, answering Nathan's questions and attempts to bring him into the conversation with dull grunts. It was taking all his willpower to not tear his teeth into the burger._

_Eren was horrified to find salty tears cascading down his cheeks. It was too much._

_"Hey, Eren, what's wrong?" Nathan asked in a soothing voice, "Do you want to go?"_

_"N-no, I'm fine," Eren blubbered, "It's just a bit overwhelming,"_

_"I get it," Nathan replied softly. He laid his hand gently against Eren's._

_"No, you don't!" Eren exclaimed angrily, fury bubbling up in his stomach so quick he wasn't even aware of it._ _What the hell did Nathan understand about Eren's life? He could say pretty words all he wanted but it wouldn't change anything. Nathan was silent for a few moments, unable to speak._

_"You're right," Nathan admitted, "I don't get it. I can't understand what's going on because I've never been through what you have. But I don't want to do nothing, Eren,"_

_A spike of pain stabbed through his chest. Eren couldn't deal with people being kind towards him, nothing was more uncomfortable. Nathan's concerned expression stared intensely on his face._

_"However I do know what it's like to not have a place to call home," Nathan's added, "And I don't want anyone to feel like that if I can't help it,"_

_"We have cable if that helps," Karin added with a hint of humor. Eren could tell she was trying to lighten up the mood, even if she still did look like a zombie. He appreciated it nonetheless._

_Brushing away salty tears, he looked up and tried to smile. It was an attempt, and eventually it worked._

Eren didn't realise they were at the hospital until he felt a flick at the side of his temple.

"Kid, for the second time we're here," Levi announced.

Speedily they both paced towards the hospital doors, the sterile smell of soap and anaesthetic hitting them like a tidal wave. The faint murmur of monitors beeping rested uneasily in the background. Neat doctors dressed in stainless white uniforms rushed through the corridors with panicked faces. To the side of the reception desk lay an aligned row of grey chairs, contrasting with the bleach walls. 

"I need to know what room Karin Holt is currently in," Eren demanded rashly at the desk.

"She's in room A4, second floor," The dark-skinned receptionist answered, flicking her hair behind her shoulders, "She's currently in A&E so she's not available for visitors at the moment," 

"Thank you," Levi replied expressionlessly, and directed Eren towards the stairwell before he could argue. With the pace that he was going Eren made it to the second floor in under a minute. 

"I swear to god she came out of nowhere!" A man in his twenties with light hair and declared with his hands.

"You should have looking where you were going!" Nathan cried.

"I was! One minute I was driving and then the next this girl just stepped out into the road!" The man quaked.

"What's going on?" Levi interjected cooly.

"Robert was driving the car that hit Karin," Nathan stammered. 

If Levi's hand hadn't of clamped down onto Eren's shoulder in that moment he swears that Robert would be joining Karin in the emergency room. 

"What the fuck!" Eren bellowed, "What are you doing here?! You've already done enough damage,"

"I needed to know she was okay," Robert stammered, voice dripping with anxiety, "I swear to God I didn't mean for this to happen! I promise I was just driving normally and she just stepped into the road, didn't even look where she was going!"

Eren didn't want to believe him. It would have been a lot easier to just say it was all his fault and release all his fury out on him. But the image of Karin stepping out onto the road with every intention of getting hit froze him.

"No," Eren gasped quietly. He rapidly shook his head as if it could shake away the vision of Karin's limp body engulfed in blood. "No, no, no! NO!"

"Eren-" Nathan began but Eren cut him off with another scream.

"I need to see her! I don't care if they're opperating on her, I have to see her!" Eren wailed.

"We're not allowed in, Eren, I've already checked," Nathan gulped. Eren only just noticed the red rimming his eyes.

"Fuck," Eren hissed. His foot striked against a stray chair, making a satisfying crashing sound. Pain shot through his toes but Eren couldn't bring himself to care. Not when Karin was in a lot worse pain than he was. "I don't want him here, get him the fuck out I don't want to see him," he spat.

Everyone knew without saying who he was talking about. Robert nodded dejectedly and walked slowly towards the door. The click of the door closing was music to Eren's ears. There was a brief silence where the only sound left was Eren's shrieking thoughts that kept him company. 

He jumped when he felt a cold pair of hands press against his shoulders to press him. He willingly allowed it and felt the stiff chair beneath him. His eyes widened slightly when Levi grasped his hand tightly and lowered his forehead onto his. 

"It's going to be okay, Eren," Levi whispered, "Things sure as hell aren't going to be good, but it will be okay." Eren took in his pore less skin and the sparkle of his piercings glistening in the too-bright lighting. It made his chest constrict in a funny way that had nothing to do with Karin. He shook his head to dismiss the terrifying feeling. 

Embarrassment rippled through Eren as he rested his head on Levi's shoulder and weeped. Levi was clearly uncomfortable as he awkwardly patted Eren's head in an attempt to calm him. His arms tightened around Levi's neck and clutched on deseprately. He was probably hurting Levi but he never said anything. 

A sliver of calm spread in his gut like melted butter. It wasn't much but it was better than nothing. Levi's skinny fingers stroking his hair was strangely calming and made Eren's heart go warm. He knew he needed to stop but he couldn't bring himself to detach himself from Levi. The man was strangely warm. 

Waiting was hell. They were aware they could have waited far, far longer but an hour feels like centuries when the only thing you can think about is the girl in the hospital bed slowly withering away. It was easily the longest hour Eren has ever had to struggle through. 

Tremors of panic hit Eren when the doctor walked out of Karin's room. His expression didn't give anything away which infuriated Eren. More tears prickled his eyes thinking of the news that would be delivered. 

"She's very lucky that driver was driving very slowly otherwise she wouldn't have gotten out of this with some broken limbs," The doctor sighed, wiping the sweat off his brow. Eren wasn't even embarrassed about the sound he just made.

"Can we see her?" Nathan begged.

"Two people at a time, and family only," The doctor instructed. When Eren and Nathan stood up he regarded them suspiciously.

"We might as well be," Eren explained, "Besides no one from her family is going to come to see her,"

The doctor debated it for a moment before waving it off and letting them in. Levi nodded at Eren as he turned to look back at him. He smiled weakly at him before taking a deep breath. Seeing Karin lying limply on the hospital bed made him want to cry all over again. 

Thick pristine white plaster was wrapped around both her legs and arms. Her face was painted with bruises and scratches which trailed all the way down to her feet. Karin's hair was an unkempt blur of tangles and knots sprawled around her face. At least all the blood had already been cleaned off.

Karin's gaze was blankly fixed on the white ceiling. Eren wanted to blame it on the drugs but he knew even those weren't helping right now. Her gaze didn't move as they both sat down near the bed. It remained unmoving and unaware. 

"Karin," Nathan choked, unable to get his words out, "What happened?"

"I'm guessing you're not asking about the crash," Karin's voice sounded so utterly weak it made Eren's heart ache. She dryly laughed without directing her gaze towards them. Karin made no effort to answer Nathan's question.

"Goddammit Karin! You can't put us through this and not say anything!" Eren bursted. 

"Yeah, I'm the one in the hospital bed who can't even kill herself properly," Karin bitterly retorted with a venomous glare towards the ceiling, "That must really suck for you,"

"This isn't a competition," Nathan mumbled, "You should have told us,"

"If I told you you would have stopped me," Karin snapped. 

"You know what's going to happen right?" Nathan sighed.

"They're going to put me in the crazy house again aren't they," Karin sourly chuckled, "Fucker just couldn't finish the job properly could he?"

"You can't talk about yourself like that!" Eren fumed, "Your life isn't sometime that can be so easily tossed away!"

"That sucks," Karin sarcastically replied, "It would have made the job simpler if it was. How did you even find out?"

"Your phone fell out of your pocket when you were hit. It was smashed, but still worked. My number was the most recently dialed so the driver rung me to tell me what happened," Nathan answered through heavy tears. Karin's fists clenched. 

"I can't," Karin stuttered, "I can't go back there, Nathan. Please, you can't make me go back,"

"That's not my choice," He exhaled, "You need to get better, we can't have this happening again,"

Karin didn't say anything. She only shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and she wiped them away in frustration.

"You don't know what it's like there," Karin trembled.

"Well what's the alternative then?" Nathan yelled, finally cracking, "We just sit around whilst you keep trying different ways to kill yourself!"

"Therapy doesn't do shit! And it sure as hell wouldn't do anything now!" Karin spat.

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Levi walked in with a faint frown. 

"Before you say anything, believe me when I say that you are only making this harder for her," Levi calmly explained.

"And how would you help!? You barely even know her!" Eren declared. His respect for Levi suddenly plummeted to the ground. 

"That's the point," He countered easily, "Let's leave this to Karin then. Do you want me to stay or them? You're going to have to explain yourself to someone," 

"I want Levi to stay," Karin chose without a moment's thought. 

"Karin!" Eren protested, but Levi grabbed him and lead him to the door, not bothering to be careful.

"This isn't your fault," He subtly whispered in his ear before shutting the door behind him.

"This is what she wants Eren," Nathan trembled.

"Karin wants to kill herself, but should we just let her go through with that as well!" Eren exclaimed. 

"I trust that Levi knows what he's doing. He can help her in the way she needs right now, as much as that hurts," Nathan assured.

Eren wanted to break into that room and demand to know what made Karin do this but something kept him back. Maybe if was the way that Nathan was staring at him, or maybe it was the fact that Levi looked like he could easily make sure Eren was unable to crawl back in if he needed to.

"Fuck!" Eren yelled, banging his fist on the door. 

 

"Someone was listening in," Karin started accusingly. 

"Someone wasn't being very subtle about the way they were yelling," Levi retorted.

"Thanks for getting them out,"

"You shouldn't be thanking me too much, they're going to be pissed when you talk to them again,"

"No they won't, they'll just be upset,"

"You sure?"

"Well, Eren will be angry but he'll just use that to cover up how hurt he is,"

"Why did you do it?"

"You don't beat around the bush,"

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I wanted to die,"

"They're not going to take that answer,"

"Who's they?"

"You know who,"

"I don't want to go there, Levi,"

"No one does, mental institutes suck balls," 

"You have connections,"

"No,"

"Levi, please! Why can't you do this for me,"

"Because you need to get better, and if you aren't going to do it for yourself do it for them,"

"I remember a certain someone once saying that 'if you don't get better for yourself you won't get better at all'" 

"You still need people there for you though and you've already have those. You've already got the hard part over, you actually want to recover,"

"Everything about recovery is hard,"

"It's a bitch, but so are you,"

"Is that supposed to be making me feel better,"

"It's supposed to make you feel like you can fight back,"

"I can't,"

"So work on that, because you have people who need you to,"

"Responsibility sucks,"

"Tell me about it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would say this has been the worst of the angst but I'd be lying. See you next week, probably on Sunday again.


	9. Purple Scent

Karin had to stay at Trost's Mental Health Institution for a minimum of a week. It was standard procedure with all their patients and if they felt she was still a threat to herself or the people around her after seven days she would have to stay longer. 

Eren hated the way they described it all so clinically like Karin was just another dead-eyed patient. As if all they had to do is pump her with smiley drugs that don't make her want to kill herself and then everything would be okay. These are the people who are supposed to be helping Karin but Eren can't imagine them doing anything that wouldn't just make everything worse. 

He wasn't going to lie and say it didn't hurt when Karin refused to see him. Eren had had time to cool down and realize why she wouldn't want any visitors but it didn't stop the agony searing through his chest when she told him and Nathan to go away. The only thing stopping him from forcefully seeing Karin was the threat of being banned and not being able to see her at all. 

Nathan wasn't much better off than Eren either. Where Eren reacted to bad situations with anger, Nathan always resorted to blaming himself. Eren had told him that it was Karin's decision to step in front of that car and that he had nothing to do with it. But he knew Nathan could tell he didn't believe it either. 

Because it was just so much easier to think about all the things they could have done than to convince themselves that it was out of their control. All the signals seemed so stupidly clear. Eren knew she was upset but he didn't want to ask in case it pushed her even further away. He didn't even know what had caused her to jump!

But maybe Karin didn't need a reason. Maybe she was just so tired of everything she couldn't pinpoint an exact reason. Eren definitely knew how it felt so why wouldn't Karin?

What if it was something that had happened far longer ago than Eren imagined and Karin had just been sitting in cold water whilst it boiled hotter and hotter. Eren could taste the sickening sour taste of guilt again. It wasn't as bad as the image of Karin sprawled on the damp pavement soaking in a pool of crimson liquid like a twisted version of a Jacuzzi though. Nothing could taste worse than that. 

 

Lia and Angela were currently slouched on their beaten up sofa. Nathan's head resided on Lia's lap where Angela comfortingly ran her fingers through his unkempt hair. The television played a muted buzz for background sound. Nathan didn't comment on the new red streak in Angela's hair. 

It was awkward, but not overly so. No one felt like talking so they didn't and for that Eren was grateful. They all needed comfort at the moment and mumbled small talk wouldn't have helped at all. Besides just the thought of conversing was exhausting so the idea was immediately dismissed.

An attractive slender woman presented a perky game show which Eren couldn't care less about. He tuned out her quirky high pitched shrill of a voice and focused on the too-bright colours stinging his eyes. No shows need to be that colourful, even if it is for children. Even though children probably could answer these dumb-ass questions. It was better than focusing on reality though. 

Switching away his focus from the chirpy television Eren turned to face Nathan. He was clearly distressed, but better than he usually is. Eren was glad he had Angela and Lia in his life there for him. He feared where he would be without them. 

Looking at them huddled together only made Eren feel more isolated. Karin didn't want to even look at him and it wasn't like Nathan was benefiting from his presence. He had Levi, maybe, but would he really care if anything happened to Eren? He didn't act like it would. Hanji was probably just nice to everyone and Erwin had left him his number but that was for politeness more than anything. It didn't mean anything. He should be thinking of Karin but it's hard when you can feel your loneliness physically crushing you. Eren knows it's physically impossible it sure feels like it. 

It had been a while since Eren had felt alone. He definitely didn't miss the feeling. Sure, occasionally Eren would feel lonely when he was at work but that was normal for all prostitutes. It had been a while since Eren felt  _alone_.

Self doubt nagged at him insistently. He was just getting in everyone's way here. Eren would be better off just being somewhere else so he wouldn't be a pain to everyone else. After all it was his fault Karin stepped in front of that car. He had heard the alarm bells and didn't do anything. 

"I'm going out for a bit," Eren announced, standing up to reach for his jacket. The room suddenly felt too stuffy and he needed air. 

Nathan frowned at him for a moment before relaxing his eyebrows. 

"Be careful, Eren," Nathan cautiously advised. 

"Course," Eren shrugged whilst yanking on his dirty shoes. 

"Please," Nathan pressed the issue.

Eren felt his stomach turn uncomfortably at Nathan's concern. After all these years he still couldn't handle it.

Nodding tensely towards them all, Eren scurried out of the door. He hurriedly leaped down the muddy stairs. The cold bite of the door handle of his hands was a shocking relief. 

You never really leave the streets once you stay there. Maybe you move on from that point in your life, maybe you don't but that part always stays. It was sort of reassuring in a screwed up way. His homelessness was constant in his ever changing life. It's nice to have something consistent for once when you're still struggling to figure out who you are.

It was both bitter and sweet for him, scanning the filthy streets. To Eren it was a reminder that he had improved. He wasn't better, but he sure as hell was sleeping on a bed now instead of the pavement. Even if it made his skin prickle painfully, being back was comforting. He had gotten out. He had survived. Barely, but he had made it.

So why didn't he feel better about this? He had a home, he had a roof, he had running water so why didn't he feel grateful for this? Eren could think of so many people who would kill for his position, prostitution and all.

But other people having it worse didn't give Eren any satisfaction. It didn't magically cure all the other bad factors in Eren's life. All it did was make him feel guiltier for whining when he could be so much worse off. He was so selfish.

Selfish and alone. 

_Your thoughts are racing again, Love._

Eren growled in frustration. Who gave Alexander the right to invade his thoughts when he was like this? He had spent too many years repairing himself to let him tear him again once more. He was so weak for still letting him take over his brain after all this time. 

_I want to talk about us._

What if Alex really was sorry?

No, even in this state Eren couldn't convince himself it wasn't bullshit. He knew Alexander far too well for that. Ignorance would have been nice, but it wouldn't have improved anything. Eren would rather know that Alexander was a brutal beast than kid himself that he was just "wasn't being himself." Alexander might think he would fall for it but he did he was even more stupid than he thought Eren is. 

He could be right around the corner again. This time he might not just accept Eren's furious cries and beat him until Eren takes him back. What if he has a weapon again? He could seriously kill Eren and he wouldn't make it painless. He'd want Eren to feel every bit of pain he had when he had ran away. 

Eren fiercely shivered. 

He had considered it, but Eren had never wanted to die. He had held a blade in his hand before, he had had a full bottle of pills to his disposable, he had been prepared to jump yet he could never bring himself to do it. He didn't understand why but he had always wanted to live. Eren didn't know what it was but there was always something he didn't understand that stopped him. Dying would have been far easier, but perhaps a minute spark of his teen determination had stayed with him throughout these years. Did Eren really still believe that one day he would be truly happy? It seemed ridiculous just to think about it.

Getting off these streets was Eren's top priority. Alexander had absolutely shattered Eren's life but he wasn't letting him take it as well. He had to look after himself, even if he didn't deserve it. How could he expect Karin to if he didn't even try?

Of course the hope was dull in comparison to the depression consuming his body like a parasite. Of course it still felt useless next to it, but it was a flame nonetheless. A tiny, wavering flame, but the fire was still there. And that's what mattered isn't it? Letting the flame grow until it burned away all the stuff that wasn't wanted. It would take time but it would happen eventually. All he had to do was wait.

But Eren never was patient.

Sleep would be good right now. To not have to think for a while would be great. Thinking sucked. It wasn't like a bad song where you could just turn it off when the jarring shrieking became too much. There wasn't a useful off button on Eren's brain. Would have been nice though.

A distantly familiar flash of platinum blonde hair caught his eye. He narrowed his eyes to make sure and when he saw the plump cheeks it confirmed it.

It was the kid from the brothel. He couldn't deny the innocent features and undefined jawline. 

He raised his head in surprise and nervously looked back at Eren. They awkwardly stared at each other for a moment before the boy shyly waved. Eren did it back but it was forced and unnatural. It went without saying that seeing customers outside of work was really, really awkward. 

_Fuck, he's approaching me. No, no, no. Go away._

Eren tried to mentally warn him off but he wasn't understanding his very clear signals. 

"Uh-Do you have somewhere to stay tonight?" The boy stammered. He fidgeted anxiously with the hem of his navy blue sweater, "I-I'm not saying you're homeless or anything, but just in case,"

Eren was stunned for a moment. Here was this person who was barely a stranger offering him shelter. There weren't a single trace of judgement in his eyes. The barren street didn't feel quite as cold anymore. 

"I have a place to stay, don't worry," Eren softly smiled, running a hand through his hair. The boy's cornflower blue eyes followed the action with a gulp.

"I know this is weird, but thanks for...you know..." The boy's eyes trailed away as a blush shaded his cheeks a fluorescent strawberry. 

"The kiss?" Eren questioned, "It's fine seriously," 

"It's just, I was curious for a while, you know," He mumbled, still not meeting Eren's gaze. 

Eren chuckled. It was good to laugh for once.

"You're not the first person who was curious," Eren chortled, "I hope everything is a bit more clear now,"

"Uh yeah, it is," he blushed brighter, "Uhm, I've got to go,"

"I never got your name," Eren grinned. He surprised that it was even possible that the boy could get redder.

"It's Jamie," He answered. Jamie lifted his eyes to meet Eren's.

"My real name is Eren," he smirked. Jamie looked like he was about to faint. 

"Um, I've got to go. Goodbye, Eren," His name sounded strange from his lips but it was better than Sebastian. 

"See you around, Jamie," Eren beamed lightly. He waved, less awkwardly this time, and walked into the shadows. 

When he was gone the weight of being alone hit him. Eren knew he should return to the house and that talking with other people would make him feel better. Yet he made no attempt to carry himself home. Eren wanted to be by himself yet didn't at the same time.

 _Staying alone it is then_ Eren decided after a moment of internal debating. 

Walks always calmed Eren calmed down. Well, that's a lie most of the time they didn't but it was better than doing nothing. A change of scenery genuinely did help sometimes. So that's what Eren did. He gave himself a change of landscape. 

Ticket conductors didn't patrol the trains this late at night so Eren got away without a ticket. He didn't have a particular destination in mind but it didn't matter. As long as it was better than Trost he was satisfied. 

Night had a way of making everything look beautiful. The crumbling city that was usually damp and gray was illuminated by clear white light. Artistic shadows fell onto the pavement, painting various abstract shapes on the gravel. Houses with damp brickwork seemed to light up in the gentle silver moonlight. It was as if the moon had coated the entire city with fresh sparkling paint making the ashy palate burst with vibrant shades. 

Even the ugliest of things can be made beautiful in the right light. It was one of the only things his pretentious art teacher had said that had stuck with him. Maybe he wasn't wrong about everything, although he normally was. 

The pocket of his lavender hoodie vibrated. Who would be texting him now? Curiously, he fished out his phone from his pocket.

Marco? What did he want?

_From: Freckles_

_Good luck for work tomorrow! Hope it goes okay!! :D_

"That guy is too nice for his own good," Eren muttered under his breath whilst shaking his head. He grinned nonetheless. 

He stopped immediately when he remembered what the text meant. 

His ban was up. Time had run out. The bills piling up on the doormat agreed as well. 

How could he have been so forgetful? It wasn't like his suspension was permanent. He would have to come back eventually. 

Eren stood up from his seat to get off the train, sighing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was slightly late I wasn't feeling bothering and I don't want to have to force myself to write this because it's supposed to be fun so that's what I'm going to do.


	10. River Of Light

Marmalade leaves crunched under Eren's frayed shoes. Jade grass and blooming flowers tickled his nostrils gently as he strolled the empty street. Small cottages laid huddled together along the polished pavement illuminated by the clear light spiralling down from the lamp posts. Honey lighting peeked through windows from the occasional house showcasing toasty rooms with bright walls; Unless they shut the curtains that is.

The icy pinch of the late wind stroked his bare neck and face raising a batch of prickly goosebumps. He should have brought a scarf with him but there wasn't much he could do about it now. Eren had a strong immune system anyway, he could handle a little cold. 

The whoosh of a door opening caught Eren's attention. A petite woman with a head of cropped, shiny ginger hair strolled out. She wore loose fitting pajamas with pastel pink hearts embroidered on them. She looked oddly adorable carrying out garbage bags with her fluffy slippers and tired eyes. 

"Petraa! Come back to bed!" Hanji howled, skipping through the dimly lit hallway.

Eren's eyes widened comically before sighing deeply. Could he ever go anywhere without running into someone he knew?

"Hanji! Put some clothes on!" The woman gasped. Hanji glanced down towards their breasts fully on display and shrugged with a manic cackle.

"Nothing the neighbours haven't seen before," Hanji snorted.

"Hanji!" She scolded, trying to shield their chest with her skinny arms. Hanji only laughed harder.

"Oh, Eren!" They hollered, "Didn't expect to see you here!" 

Well he couldn't escape now he'd been spotted.

"Hey Hanji," Eren waved uncomfortably, trying to keep his eyes on their face. He shuffled his feet awkwardly. 

"You must be Eren," the woman brightened up with a warm smile, "My name is Petra. You can come in if you want; The streets aren't always pleasant at night,"

"Come on, Eren!" Hanji chirruped, skipping over to drag him over to the cozy warmth of their house. He obliged, albeit spluttering. The scent of buttery toast and homemade cooking wrapped around him like a warm welcoming blanket. 

Like Levi's house, the walls (although far brighter with its sunny orange colour) presented several elegantly framed pieces of artwork. Some were exploding with colour whilst other's were dripping with murky greys and black. It was sort of amusing the way they contrasted and clashed with one another but still worked overall. 

He yanked off his shoes and placed them neatly on the wooden shoe rack located next to the door. Eren was somewhat embarrassed that he hadn't worn matching socks (the holes in them didn't help either) but Hanji was practically naked anyway. He didn't feel very exposed in comparison.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Petra offered whilst stepping out of her slippers.

"I'm fine, thanks," Eren shook his head.

"Okay then," Petra replied, "Hanji! Please, would you put some clothes on!? We have guests!" She cried, throwing a cream cardigan at them. They smoothly caught it with a wolfish grin.

"If you insist," Hanji glumly complied, "You weren't complaining last night though," they added gravelly, voice barely louder than a mutter.

"Hanji!" Petra exclaimed. Her entire face lit up the colour of roses, "You're so embarrassing," she buried her burning face in her hands.

"You love it really," Hanji insisted cheekily.

Groaning, Petra playfully punched Hanji's shoulder before walking towards the living room. Hanji and Eren followed and sat down on the plush mustard sofa. Hanji sprawled their limbs across it's length, filling the space with their lanky limbs. Eren fidgeted on the small patch by Hanji's feet.

"Move up, you're taking up all the space!" Petra chided, shoving a tan leg aside, "Sorry, Eren,"

"It's fine," He chuckled. He ran a hand through his hair out of habit rather than nerves

"You sure?"

"Yeah,"

"Well, Hanji should move their arse anyway,"

"No can do, love,"

"Move!" Petra commanded with a giggle, and pushed Hanji off the sofa. A howling screech assaulted Eren's eardrums as Hanji crumbled to the ground in a heap.

"Petra! You traitor!" Hanji accused, voice filled with feigned hurt. 

"You'll survive," Petra giggled whilst she raised Hanji back up. They pouted at her sourly, "I'm sorry,"

"No you're not," Hanji snickered. They poked Petra's noise making her pout. 

"Well, you may be right there," Petra chuckled. 

"Bitch," Hanji murmured jokingly as they regained their spot on the couch. 

"Language," Petra tutted.

"You don't say that to Levi,"

"Levi would just tell me to fuck off,"

"Damn right I would,"

Everyone swerved their heads to see Levi standing confidently in the doorway. His gaze lingered on Eren longer than he felt comfortable with. Levi's eyebrows were drawn together in confusion. 

"Levi! You're finally here!" Hanji exclaimed excitedly. They leaped off the sofa to suffocate him into a crushing hug. 

"Get the fuck off me," Levi hissed, yanking them off of him. 

"Don't be like that, Levi!" Hanji teased.

"Tch," Was his only dull response, "What you doing here?"

"Just happened to be in the area," Eren lied, well, sort of. 

"I call bullshit," Levi retorted as he sat down besides him. 

"Do you guys ever meet each other in daylight?" Eren asked seriously.

"No, the sunlight burns us otherwise," Levi replied so deadpan Eren wasn't even sure he was joking at all. 

"Oh, good to be careful then," Eren giggled shakily.

"You don't have to laugh if you don't find it funny, Eren," Levi remarked. 

"I do find it funny, it's just...You're very serious," Eren explained.

"I only seem uptight, I'm not actually always constipated," Levi countered, "Do you have any tea Petra?"

"Earl gray right?" 

"What else would I have?"

"Coming up," 

Eren felt a familiar twitching spike in his body.

"I need a cigarette," He stated.

"Why don't fucking do it in here then, go outside," Levi scowled, "That shit stinks,"

"Ugh, I know," Eren agreed.

He jumped up and headed towards the back door. Shutting it behind him, he stepped out into the backyard and stared up at the full moon.

The garden was a neatly organized clutter of delicate flowers and towering plants. With winter coming up, their colours won't last for long. Eren supposed it was Petra who did the gardening, but maybe Hanji had a green thumb as well? He couldn't imagine Hanji in overalls and a watering can though.

Fishing through his tattered pockets, he snatched his packet of cigarettes and his firetruck red lighter. He was going to have to get more soon. With a sharp spark of the lighter, he lit his cigarette and raised it to his lips and inhaled deeply.

Eren sighed in relief as the smoke bloomed in his lungs and instantly calmed him down. The unnerving shakiness had muted to background white noise. A long string of smoke spilled from Eren's lips as he exhaled. The grey cloud floated towards the stars before melting away into the black night.

Stubbing out his light on the brick wall, Eren dropped the butt on the ground and brushed it away with his foot. He hoped Petra wouldn't mind too much, but he had already put it out. The night was beginning to get too frosty for Eren so he stepped back inside to the snug home.

When he strolled back into the living room, Hanji and Levi were sat cross legged on the floor dicussing the canvas' tidily laid on the floor. Hanji's hands flew wildly in the air whilst they spoke whilst Levi's arm's remained straight by his side. 

"I think we should go with this one," Hanji pointed towards the illustration resting besides Levi's left knee. They leaned forward to capture it in it's grasp. 

"Reasoning?" Levi inquired formally. 

"I don't know, this one just jumps out at me," Hanji explained, "You've improved a lot,"

"Hm,"

Tall, wiry buildings climbed the ashy sky towards shadowy, silver clouds on the canvas. Smokey rain pelted onto the pavement with cracks like aged, greying skin. Every minute detail was visible from the mold cemented in the corners of the crumbling stores to the chips in the railing of the decaying bridge. Eren could even spot the drab lime paint peeling off the climbing frame crouching in the barren playground. 

Thick layers of acrylic paint formed vibrant lemon and orange figures roaming the fractured streets of the cold city. It was like looking into a flame; The outline a bloody red gradually blending into a mellow butter hue. The characters weren't detailed with hair or full features, but had neat lines of accurate proportion. 

"Whatever you think will sell," Levi said with a small shrug. 

"Your paintings are simply beautiful, Levi," Petra sighed softly, "I just want to keep them all,"

"You bought enough already,"

"Well, I can always get more,"

"Where are you selling them?" Eren asked, "Not that I'm buying one, I can't afford it, but just out of curiosity,"

"Usually at the store or an art exhibition. I've got one coming up so I needed to sort all my shit out," Levi answered.

"Oh, when is it?" Eren perked up.

"Wednesday, Eleven am; Fucking terrible idea that was," Levi scoffed.

"Some people actually have consistent sleeping patterns, Levi," Petra softly laughed.

"Strange peope," he joked, snatching the canvas out of Hanji's hands. His eyes flickered across the painting with a frown before laying it on the woolly carpet, "Okay, let's sell this one." 

"Are you sure you want to sell that one? It's so nice, don't you want to keep it?" Petra delicately frowned. 

"You know I don't do that sentimental bullshit," Levi sneered.

"But it's art, it has to mean something to you,"

"It does, and it can mean something to someone else instead," 

"I guess,"

"We'll put them in piles, the ones that we're not selling goes here and the ones we are go there," Levi instructed as he pointed at separate sections of the floor. Hanji nodded in reply with a bright grin and began to work. They didn't talk to each other apart from minimal hums and nods as they sorted through the large pile.

"Is that Maria village?" Eren pointed at the painting Levi had placed in the 'sell' pile. 

"Nope, it's from where I grew up,"

"Why did you move?"

"None of your buisness,"

"Oh, sorry,"

"Don't be."

The room became stiflingly awkward. Eren should have thought before he spoke, but the words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. He frowned at the thought of upsetting Levi yet his face remained the same empty sheet. Yet there was a distinct clench in his jaw that wasn't there before.

"Were is your art exhibition?" Eren attempted to ease the tension.

"The El Greco Hall; It's right besides the theater," Levi replied without looking at him, "What alcohol do you have Petra?" 

"Check in the fridge, although Hanji's probably has had most of it," Petra chuckled but had a slight crease between her eyebrows. 

"Parasite," Levi murmured before rising from the carpet and heading towards the kitchen. Faint shuffling could be heard in the kitchen whilst he scoured the cupboards. He returned with four polished glasses and a large bottle of French wine. 

"I don't drink wine," Eren laughed sheepishly when Levi pointed a glass towards him. 

"Fine with me," Levi shrugged and poured Hanji and Petra and glass before pouring his own. Crimson red liquid sloshed around in the glass as Levi swiveled it. He raised it to his lips and took a tentative sip. "This stuff is awful,"

"Suck it up, Levi," Hanji chortled, taking a large gulp.

"They're not a lightweight, are they?" Eren winced. A drunk Hanji did not sound like a fun Hanji. 

"Surprisingly not actually," Levi answered with another tiny swig. 

"Nah, I learned how to handle my drink when I went to college!" Hanji blurted.

"Inspirational," Levi mumbled sarcastically causing Eren to erupt into laughter. 

Petra switched on the television with the remote lounging on the small table to the side of the couch. The box buzzed to life and rang minimalist music as she scrolled through the channels. Petra settled on the cooking channel after a few minutes of searching through every channel.

"Petraa! Don't put this on it's making me hungry!" Hanji whinged, drawing out her letters, "It looks so good!"

"Don't even try to make that Hanji," Petra ordered, "Stay with microwavable popcorn, okay?"

"Don't even try that, burned my kitchen to fucking ashes the last time they tried," Levi rolled his eyes. 

"You're exaggerating, Levi!" Hanji giggled. 

"I think that's enough wine,"

"I think you're being a hater,"

"Jesus Christ,"

"You called?" 

"Hanji, you're not Jesus," Petra sighed.

"Why can't I be?" Hanji declared.

"Because you don't have a beard or wear sandals," Petra calmly clarified.

"So if I grew a beard and wore sandals I could be Jesus!"

"No,"

"Don't be so mean, Levi,"

"Why am I friends with you?"

"Because I'm Jesus, why wouldn't you want be friends with me?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short but writers block is a bitch that just loves to fuck me over. I promise next chapter will be much better with actual plot but you're going to just have to deal with it for now.


	11. Body and Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If mentions of self harm trigger you or make you uncomfortable I'd advise you not to read this chapter

Eren must have fallen asleep because he remembered waking up in Levi's lap. It was the sensation of fingers weaving through his hair that had awoke him. It stopped immediately the moment his eyes fluttered open. 

"How long was I asleep for?" Eren yawned, stretching his arms high above his head. Clumsily he brushed away the sleep clogged in the corner of his eyes. 

"Not long," Levi replied, "Although it felt like years with your fucking brick of a head on my lap," His words were spiteful but the light flush on his cheeks said otherwise. It was like looking at a rare antique seeing Levi blush. Eren would be lying if he said he didn't find it adorable. 

"Sorry," Eren mumbled and sat up straight. A heavy silence filled the air for a moment before Levi cracked it.

"What are you doing here?" Levi questioned, "Really," He interrupted as Eren opened his mouth to spurt out another lie.

"Honestly, I was just walking around. I just needed the air, that's all," Eren shrugged, trying to look casual. Levi's tattooed on frown grew harsher. 

"'That's all,' huh? I've been alive long enough to know when people clearly bullshit," Levi snarled.

"Well, what do you think is wrong then?!" Eren snapped harsher than he meant to. The shorter male's eyes widened slightly for a moment at his angry outburst.

"I think you're pissed off about Karin but you're more pissed off with yourself," Levi answered with an expression Eren didn't understand. He hated how Levi seemed to always be right. 

"Congratul-fucking-lations, you're right. Want a cookie?" Eren bitterly retorted. His eyes focused on the intricate detailing carved into the white ceiling above. 

"Maybe not a cookie but vodka would be nice," Levi replied offhandedly. 

Eren couldn't help but chuckle. He hated himself for it but it was worth it for the slight twitch of the corner's of Levi's lips. It barely even counted as so much as a smirk, but fuck, Eren's should  _not_ be feeling like he's going to have a heart attack. Jesus, he hoped he didn't look like a tomato right now. 

"You okay?" Levi delicately raised a thin eyebrow. 

"You should smile more," 

_Oh my god, Eren you actual idiot he is going to think you are so weird, why did you even say that? Oh my god, you dork. Wait, is he blushing?!_

"Twat," Levi rolled his eyes, flicking Eren's forehead bemusedly, "Didn't expect you to such a romantic,"

"I'm not," Eren denied, furiously blushing. His shook his head so that his hair fell into his scarlet face. 

"Sure," Levi retorted sarcastically. His words held no venom though, "How's Karin?" He sighed after a long pause. 

"I'd know if she let me talk to her," Eren sounded far more sour than he intended. 

"Well you can gather she's not doing great by the fact that she's not talking to you," Levi stated, "Being in a mental institution is probably a big hint as well,"

"Don't joke about this!" Eren exclaimed heatedly. 

"Karin's going to want to talk to you eventually. She can't distance herself from everyone forever," Levi replied.

"She's sure acting like it," Eren scoffed.

"Acting being the key word here," Levi countered.

"I just feel so helpless," Eren exhaled heavily.

His back hit the plush surface of the sofa. Eren wove his hands through his hair in frustration. 

"It's a shitty feeling," Levi remarked, "Just don't give up on her,"

"Do you really think I'd do that? Why are you telling me this?"

"Because it's the only thing you can do right now," 

"This whole thing just fucking sucks," 

"No shit, Sherlock,"

"SOMEONE SAID SHERLOCK?!" Hanji yelled, bouncing into the room and dispelling the thick tension at the same time. A crazed look was on their face which alarmed Eren for dark times ahead. 

"Fuck off, Hanji," Levi hissed, "We are not marathoning Sherlock at 11,"

"But Levi!" Hanji protested. 

"Levi," Petra pouted, "Why not?"

"Fucking nerds," 

"You love it really,"

"Hmph,"

"That settles it, we're watching all three seasons!" Hanji announced, bouncing towards the wide-screen tv. Yanking out the box set from a towering pile of dvds, they slotted the first disc into the dvd player. Hanji settled back onto the sofa besides Petra as she settled her head on their shoulder. After skipping through the adverts Hanji pressed play. Levi wasn't amused when he slapped Hanji for screeching along to the opening credits. They shrieked in protest but still paused their "singing."

Eren hadn't watched the show before but he couldn't say he didn't find it interesting. Sometimes he found it hard to follow the plot but overall he understood it. Hanji's constant ramblings about multiple theories and foreshadowing also was a big hint. 

When the ancient coo-coo clock chimed during the third season, Eren realized how late it had gotten. He was too absorbed in the world of fiction and Hanji's comments about Irene's "slamming bod."

"It's already one?" Eren gasped, "Fuck, all the trains are gone,"

"It's fine; I'll take you back," Levi sighed as if Eren was being a massive menace but his eyes gave his sincerity away.  _What's the point of acting like you don't care when it's so obvious you do?_

"You don't have to,"

"I want to,"

"Aw, Levi! Looks like your heart isn't made of stone!" Hanji cooed. 

"Shut it, shitty glasses," he snapped. 

"At least wait until we finished the series," Petra suggested, silencing them as the tv was still playing. 

"Thanks, Levi,"

"It's nothing,"

They continued to watch the series before it ended leaving Eren speechless.

"There can't be only three seasons! When's the next one coming out?!" Eren quaked. 

"Gosh, Petra, he's just so adorable," Hanji sang through their hysterical cackling.

"Don't laugh, Hanji, he's new he doesn't know!" Petra scolded but giggled regardless. 

"You're probably going to be grey the time season four is going to come out, sweetie,"

"I don't get it,"

"The show isn't exactly consistent when it comes to their shueldule. You'll be waiting a while," 

"Oh,"

"Yeah, we understand the pain, honey,"

"If you nerds are finished, I think it's past a certain brat's bedtime," Levi drawled, lifting himself up from the couch.

"Don't be a spoilsport, Levi!" Hanji sulked.

"It's past your bedtime as well," 

"But I don't wanna sleep!"

"Make sure they don't destroy anything whilst I'm gone," Levi groaned as he reached into his pockets for his keys. 

"I'll try," Petra winked with a soft smile. 

"Come on, brat, we're going," Levi commanded, yanking him off onto his feet.

"Bye, Hanji! Bye, Petra," Eren waved flustered as he was dragged away towards Levi's flashy car. He was thrown in the front seat and had the door slammed shut for him. 

"If I hadn't dragged you away Hanji would have kept you there forever and we would have gotten nowhere," Levi explained.

"Didn't have to be so rude about it," Eren muttered under his breath.

"Since when am I polite?"

"Since never,"

"So why should I act any differently?"

"Because you're a good person deep down,"

"I am?" 

"Of course you are,"

"Wouldn't be so sure about that,"

"But I am,"

"How so?"

"Because you don't treat me different because of who I fuck,"

"Eren," Levi said seriously. He pulled aside on the curb and stopped the car, "I don't deserve anything for treating you like a human being," 

"That's not what I meant," Eren corrected, "You don't look at me with sympathy or feel sorry for me,"

"That's not true. I feel sorry that you deem yourself worth less because of what you do," Levi interrupted. 

Eren felt the sickening churning sensation in his gut at his words. The honesty in them hit him like a harsh slap. The car felt way too hot. 

"I don't," Eren insisted but they both could see the clear lie. 

"I'm not going to tell you that the amount of sex you have doesn't change your worth because I know you won't believe me," Levi breathed. The short distance between them should have made Eren uncomfortable but it did anything but. It only caused jolts of electricity to race through his veins. 

"But?" Eren questioned, "There's always a but,"

"But nothing. I can't say anything that will change your perceptive, depression does that to you," Levi said after a long pause. 

"I'm not depressed," Eren declared hotly.

Levi was silent. His gaze rested heavily on Eren's face, scanning his expression. He opened his mouth to speak but paused and turned his head away. Eren stared in return, taking the silver flash of Levi's piercings and the street lights illuminating his pearly skin. 

"You're beautiful, Levi," Eren gulped, the words flying out of his mouth before he could stop them. 

Levi's eyes widened in a frenzied state of delirium. The minute gap between their lips widened rapidly as Levi instantly shot back. His body convulsed and his nails dug into the soft flesh of his wrist beneath his leather jacket. 

"Eren, you can't-you can't see me in that way," Levi stuttered, his breaths spilling out in mere splutters, "Fuck, you look exactly like him," he added in a voice that was barely above a whisper.  

"Levi, I'm sorry, I-"

"Get out!" Levi snapped, his usual venom seeping back into his tone, "You need to leave now,"

"I'm sorry. Levi, I didn't mean it like that," Eren rambled whilst he flailed his hands. 

"Get the fuck out!" Levi thundered. Eren bit back tears and nodded, shuffling to walk out the door. The shock of Levi actually shouting at him numbed him against the bitter cold of the night. 

 

Levi hated smoking. It was disgusting and smelt like absolute shit but Levi needed to get rid of the image of  _him._  All he could imagine was his large hands massaging his petite thighs as he contained his revolting inexperienced gasps and moans. Eren's words which mirrored  _his_ exactly echoed deafeningly. He took in another desperate lungful of smoke as if it could burn away the memories of his brunette hair and tall figure but it did nothing. 

He was aware of his phone distantly ringing it but he ignored it in favour of inhaled wisps of toxic smoke. Levi knew it was Hanji. He didn't go back like he said he would and it was getting far too late to simply blame it on traffic. He knew he shouldn't have shouted at Eren but it was like seeing him again and Levi couldn't handle it. 

There were plenty of bottles of very expensive wine that Levi could entertain himself with but it wasn't the pain he wanted. His veins itched to be torn open again, even after being five years clean. Levi hissed as he imagined the hot sting of the razor tearing apart his flesh, spilling open its bloody contents. It took all he had not to rip his skin apart and watch himself bleed until he couldn't anymore. 

The urge to do it never went away, you just had to learn to cope with it. But years of teaching himself to just bite his tongue and suffer his way through it meant nothing when his blood was boiling as hot as it was right now. 

Ash accidentally poured onto his bare thigh sprawled by the unused ash tray. Levi liked the burn far too much. Liked was the wrong wrong, he relished in it. Thoughts of finishing the cigarette vanished with the scorching kiss burning against his leg. 

He knew he should call Erwin like he usually forced himself to. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing but it always did calm him down. Hell, he could even talk to Hanji or Petra if he was willing to; They'd listen to whatever shit he dumped on them. 

But Levi didn't want to talk about his feelings. He wanted pain and he wanted it now. He'd definitely regret it without a doubt in the morning, even if he did see regrets as trivial. Levi couldn't escape the unbearable guilt that would later consume him if he didn't stop now but he couldn't bring himself to see it that way. 

Crushing the cigarette as hard as he could against his hip, he bit back a strained gasp. It sounded animal and foreign to Levi but that didn't matter as he scavenged his bathroom cabinets for the achingly familiar box he could never bring himself to throw away. He clutched it with his raw fingers and tore it open. 

_Talk to me, I'm always here_

_-Erwin_

Levi wasn't one to be so open with his emotions, even when he was on his own, but the agonized howl ripped out of him anyway.  _How dare he! Fucking mentally-stable piece of shit!_ He despised the tears of frustration that leaked down his face, but they fell anyway despite his hatred for them. Levi collasped onto the ground and savored the dull pain spiking through his body in doing so. 

It was only a week until he'd be free again; Until he would have done his time. Levi wanted to convince himself that there was no way the police would ever let him near him again but it was bullshit. Marshall would find a way, he always did. He was smart and now that Levi was an adult he didn't have the same protection by the law it only made it easier. 

But what if Marshall didn't try to find Levi? What if after all these years he had forgotten about him? No, he couldn't have, Levi was the reason he was there in the first place. But maybe he had lost interest. A spike of dread crawled down Levi's spine at the thought of him not even caring about his existence anymore. 

But Levi wasn't supposed to care. He had had fourteen years to bury down his feelings and it hadn't done shit. Self-hatred burned strongly in his stomach at yet another one of his failures. He'd do anything to stop it but with his blades gone his choices were limited. 

He forced himself off the ground to stumble towards the kitchen. Pulling open the drawer he drew out his screw driver and strided towards his art supplies orderly lined in his room. He didn't bother with being neat and he scrambled open the zipper and clutched his pencil sharpener. 

Growling in frustration, Levi threw the screwdriver against the wall, denting the pristine wallpaper with a small bump. The only screwdriver he had didn't fit and it wasn't like he had any nails to use either. He paced through his apartment looking for anything to pry the blades apart. 

He didn't hear footsteps rushing through his apartment. Slender arms wrapped around his trembling shoulders and gripped tightly. Levi wanted to scream at them but he did something far worse. His legs gave way as he fell to the ground, bursting into strangled sobs. 

"I'm here, Levi. It's okay, I promise," Hanji soothed, voice uncharacteristically soft. Levi couldn't form any distinguishable words through his ragged cries. Hanji had seen him bad before but it had been a while, "Let's get you to sleep,"

Levi didn't have the energy to stop them. He was carried towards his bed and had the covers drawn for him. His usual fluffy blanket wrapped around him tightly as he curled it towards himself. He absolutely detested how weak he was being. Sharp nails embedded into his hips but Hanji swiped them away. 

"Go to sleep, Levi, you'll be okay," Hanji whispered, stroking his hair how his mother did only when he was little. 

"I fucking love you, you piece of shit," Levi spat bitterly. 

"I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who needs happy characters? Yeah, have fun with this mood-whiplash but you should all what you've gotten yourself into by now. I tried to make my hints at Levi's backstory subtle which sorta paralles Eren's but doesn't in the same way. Look forward next week for more fun times


	12. The Influence

It took Eren two hours to get home. He was shivering the entire time he dragged his feet across the pavement but eventually in the early hours of the morning he stumbled back home. He had nearly collapsed on the journey up the stairs. 

No one was awake in the apartment. The lights were all turned off, drowning the furniture in darkness. Sighing, Eren slung his keys by the table besides the door whilst flicking on the lights.  He kicked off his shoes and left them by the door before strolling into the kitchen. 

It was at times like this Eren simply needed a distraction. He fished out his emergency cigarette packet from underneath the sink and flicked one out. Opening the window to smother the stench, Eren lit it with his trembling fingers. It didn't sooth him in the ways it usually did. 

He wished he could take the words back. Eren didn't understand what had caused Levi to freak out but it happened and there were nothing he could do about it. Guilt bubbled nervously in his stomach at the memory at Levi raising his voice at him. It hurt to think about. 

Eren had probably destroyed their relationship. It wasn't like they were the closest of friends but he appreciated what they had together. Conversing was Levi was easy, even if his humor was strange and awkward. His shit jokes (literally) were sort of endearing when Eren thought about it; Even if there wasn't much that was 'endearing' about Levi at all. 

Did he like Levi? Levi certainly thought so after his stupid comment. Sure, Eren really admired him and certainly found him attractive but he couldn't fall for someone so easily after Alexander, could he? The thought of dating Levi didn't disgust him in the slightest but the thought of Levi walking down the same twisted path that Alexander did made Eren shiver. He couldn't imagine Levi ever hurting someone despite his stingy personality, but didn't he think the same thing about  _him?_

Eren's chest felt like someone had clawed it apart and buried bitter salt deep into bleeding gash. The sting of worthlessness and defeat still stung as fresh as an open wound that never healed properly. Warm tears escaped his eyes and crawled down his flaming cheeks. 

All those years sleeping on sodden newspaper, all those years of crying himself to sleep, all those years of being so hungry he considered eating sewage. 

All those years because of  _him._

And the worst part was that he deserved it. Alexander was his punishment for getting so low that he payed strangers for sex, he just got it early. Alexander existed for Karin's attempt; for letting Nathan feel the venomous bite of betrayal too young. It wasn't like he cheated on his own, Eren had helped. How could Eren feel like he had the right to be sad when he was the reason for it?

"Eren," Nathan yawned from the doorway, "Come to bed,"

Eren grunted as he flicked his cigarette out the window. He wanted to scream at Nathan to go away but the effort was too straining to even attempt. Nathan caught him effortlessly as Eren fell into his arms to let him guide him to sleep.

"I'm so sorry," Eren apologized, "just for everything, I'm sorry,"

"I know," Nathan hushed.

Eren felt warm covers being wrapped around him as he dropped onto the mattress. Warm, lean arms laced around his waist and a mop of wild curls brushed his cheek. 

"Go to sleep, Eren."

And after shutting his eyes, Eren did. 

 

_"Alex, I-" Eren stammered nervously, embarrassed by the words that were about to spill. Surely, it was too early to start saying cringy expressions like these? But being besides him with his bare chest on display and blue eyes drinking him in they tumbled out anyway, "I think I love you."_

_"Eren," Alex beamed in a way that made Eren's heartbeat stop, "I love you too,"_

_He hadn't felt this ecstatic since the day his mother died. A sweetness like honey and candy bloomed in his chest at Alex's words. His lips curved into an uncontrollable grin and Alex's did the same._

_"We should live by the beach when we're older," Alex sighed contentedly, busying his fingers by gliding them through Eren's hair._

_"Yeah, that'd be nice," Eren agreed as he curled into Alex's waist. His bodyheat rolled off him in waves and Eren soaked it all up like a sponge._

_"You leech," Alex teased._

_"You love it," Eren smirked._

_"I do."_

 

The shrill shriek of his alarm awoke Eren at noon. He knew he could have waken up earlier but there was no way in hell he was missing Karin's visiting time; he only got two opportunities a week. Eren wasn't stupid enough to think Karin would suddenly open up and spill her guts for him, but he could at least try. His optimism still hadn't perked up over the last week. The reminder that work was only a few hours away didn't help either. 

The differences in warmth were irritating and desperately made Eren want to crawl back into bed. Somehow, he managed to resist the urge and made his way to the bathroom. Distantly he could hear Nathan scurrying through the kitchen trying to make breakfast. 

Hopping into the shower, Eren raised the temperature to that of the flames of hell to properly wake him up. It made his skin turn a candyfloss pink but it did the job. He scrubbed ruthlessly at his body with pear coloured soap and rinsed his hair with strawberry shampoo.  _Can't forget conditioner, no one wants to pull dry hair, right? The efforts I go through for these people._

Draping a towl over his dripping waist, Eren padded into the kitchen to make breakfast. 

"Ah, Eren you're being such a perfect wife today," Nathan chuckled, abandoning the ingredients laid out on the counter. Eren was glad he hadn't mentioned yesterday yet. He was feeling uncharacteristically calm and wanted to bask in it for as long as possible. 

"I try," he replied as he cracked eggs into the sizzling pan. Eren tossed the shells in the trash whilst turning up the stove. Once the eggs started cooking nicely he arranged them to the side of the pan to chuck in the bacon as well. Oil and fat spat at him as he flipped the eggs to fry them both sides. 

"What would I do without you, Eren?" Nathan mused out loud. 

"Live off ramen," he answered sarcastically. 

"Already went through that at uni," Nathan winced, "Never again will I eat pork flavoured noodles at four am,"

"Glad to hear it,"

"You should be, my character development has been incredible,"

"Shut up and eat, your food is done."

 

Levi slept in longer than usual to avoid Hanji's questions that were definitely coming. He wished to avoid the world a bit longer and the shame of almost relapsing again. A familiar aching sensation resided in his bones like thick cement.  _Wouldn't it just be easier if I could never wake up?_

"I know you're awake, Levi," Hanji heavily exhaled. In their hands was a vast mug of steaming black coffee.  _At least they know how to wake the devil._

"How do you know? I may have killed myself in my sleep," Levi bitterly retorted. 

"You can't joke about that after last night," Hanji warned, "I might have to call Erwin," 

"He's going to find out anyway whether I want to or not," Levi snapped, "Give me that,"

"You're not dodging this," Hanji stated firmly, "I know what this is about,"

"Good for you then, you can fuck off now," Levi hissed. He gulped down a large swig of acidic coffee to stop the venom spewing from his mouth. Hanji was around at the worst of times and he didn't need more reasons to feel guilty. 

"You know I can't leave you even if I wanted," Hanji said, bending down to sit by Levi's slouched frame. 

"Shame," Levi grunted.

"It is, sometimes I just want to shake you like a rag doll and scream at you to just talk to us,"

"Because you never made Erwin and I feel like that,"

"At least I work on it," 

"Whatever, Hanji," 

"Come on, you need to get up," Hanji bubbly commanded, "Erwin's going to come over in about an hour," 

"Did you tell him?" Levi prayed that the sickening worry wasn't evident on his face. 

"No, I just said we were going to watch films. You should tell him though, you know he's not going to judge you," Hanji suggested. 

"Fucking eyebrows is too much of a saint to ever do that," Levi rolled his eyes. With a low groan he climbed out of the inviting covers and tugged on his bath robe over himself. He didn't trust Hanji not to make any suggestive remarks at his almost naked body. 

"I ordered pizza," Hanji giggled sheepishly once Levi saw the stacks of cardboard boxes on his kitchen counter. He simply shrugged in reply, not complaining at free food. Levi was a shit cook anyway. 

"You get grease on my furniture and I'll decapitate you," Levi threatened as he arranged two plates onto the counter, not bothering to get Hanji cutlery. He also collected a wad of kitchen roll to keep as clean as possible. 

"I'll have to be careful then,"

"Damn right you will," 

Levi opened his box and used the serviette carried his slices onto his plate whilst Hanji ignored theirs and ate straight from the package. He was conscious not to get oil on his fingers as he ate the disgustingly delicious food with his knife and fork. Right now his stomach didn't care about how filthy the food was, he just needed to eat. 

"So, what shitty films are you going to torture me with today?" Levi inquired, trying to make conversation. The silence was beginning to become too uncomfortable for him to handle.

"We're going with The Walking Dead to keep with the Halloween spirit," Hanji cackled. 

"It's already October?" 

"Nearly finished, love,"

"Shit,"

"I know, right?"

"Is watching overly depressing drama supposed to help me?"

"No, but it will take your mind off things. Besides, I need a excuse to catch up and Petra doesn't like it so I've only got you two left,"

"Just watch it on your own,"

"But that's boring! Besides I love your bitter commentary, it just adds something special to the whole experience,"

"Glad to be of service," 

"No problem,"

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Levi had to scold Hanji several times for eating like a pig but they only cackled in response.

"I bought Chinese," Erwin greeted as he shuffled off his shoes by the doormat. 

"We literally just ate," Levi replied.

"Shush," Hanji silenced him, "I'll willingly have more food,"

"Pig,"

"Killjoy," 

Tucking away their finished plates into the dishwasher, Levi unloaded more to dish the food unto. Erwin helped gathering everything, knowing that there was no way Levi was letting them eat on his couch without trays. Hanji simply sat aside which is where Levi felt they were safest. 

They laid their trays onto the coffee table whilst Hanji slotted in the dvds. Tragically, there would be no popcorn as Levi still hadn't recovered from Hanji's piercing shriek from last time.

Once again Hanji screeched along to the opening theme and once again Levi beat them until they stopped. Even Erwin sang along just to spite him. It went without saying that Erwin also received a beating. 

Levi tried to pay attention to the show but his thoughts kept trailing elsewhere.

Eren was too much like him. They looked alike, they acted alike, they even spoke alike. It was too risky to be near him anymore. It was for Eren's own good anyway, he was far too pure for someone as poisonous as him. 

He was cautious to keep his face as neutral as it always was. Levi wanted to convince them both that he was currently as stable as he could possibly be considering having had a mental breakdown in the last 24 hours. It was only fair after all the time they invest in him.

The crushing grip of guilt seized his chest at the thought of telling Erwin. He knew he would have to eventually but he was prepared to avoid that for as long as possible. They had roughly five hours to get through, he should be able to compose himself in that time. Relastically though, Levi could have all the time in the world and would never consider himself ready. 

 

At two in the afternoon, Eren and Nathan arrived at the hospital. The bus had been extremely late and both were dripping with rain. It wasn't a great day to forget an umbrella. 

The toasty central heating was a relief as they stepped into the building filled with cheerful colours and overly bright lighting. A tall receptionist was tapping away on his outdated, chunky computer. 

"We'd like to sign in to visit Karin Holt," Nathan requested, alerting the man away from the glowing screen. 

"Your names aren't on the list," he replied suspiciously. 

"It's important," Eren pleaded, "Come on, it's not like we're serial killers," 

The man glared at them for a few seconds. Eren returned the gaze even harder, but even so they were admitted through to the room after signing their names. They were escorted by what was said to be Karin's therapist. Eren really did try not to glare. 

"I can't promise she'll want to see you, but she has been getting better so she might," she remarked, readjusting her oval glasses. Her honey blonde hair was secured into a tight ponytail without a single flyaway. 

Once they reached the sterile white door, the woman stepped inside, leaving Eren and Nathan on their own. Unfortunately, the room was sound proofed and they didn't catch a word of what was being said. Eren jiggled his leg whilst he tensely waited. 

The therapist returned shortly with a scuffed piece of paper in hand. Her expression was blank yet slightly strained. 

"Karin thinks it will be easier for you and herself to read this," she informed, holding out the tatty paper. The edges were torn and frayed. 

Nathan took the paper from her manicured hands and held it out for Eren to read as well. 

_Dear Eren and Nathan_

_Where do I start?_

_I'm writing this because I don't feel like I could ever say this to your faces, but I guess I have to work on that. Therapy is shit, but what else would it be? But hey, the food is actually pretty decent; Not as good as yours though, Eren._

_I know I've been pretty difficult lately,_ _running in front of cars and all. I guessed I could have played it off as an accident but I wasn't so great with that, was I? Mum said honesty was supposed to help me in life but ending up here hasn't._

_Speaking of Mum, she's basically what this is all about. You're going to hate me when I tell you this, Nathan, even more than you probably already do. But it can't get worse than this and I fucking pray the gods aren't going to try and prove me wrong when I say that._

_Mum is dead._

_Suzie, you've probably spoken to her, is the only person who knows apart from Dad. He called a while ago telling me the news. Car accident he said; he gave me a reason and a way without even realizing. If I wasn't an adult he'd know I was here, and that's the only time I have ever been grateful for growing up._

_I know I was meant to break down in tears upon hearing the news, but I just felt relieved._ _Was I some kind of monster? My dear mother was dead yet I didn't feel a thing; Worse even, it felt like a massive weight was lifted off my chest. I know she never intended to hurt me, but that doesn't change the fact that she did and I know I will never find it in myself to forgive her. It wasn't like she raped me or abused me but things built up over the years like a muddy snowball and I cut myself off from her a long time ago._

_I cared more about the fact that I didn't care than the fact that she was dead, and that certainly didn't help with anything. See, I was fine with my life living in a small apartment barely getting by, but when things royally fuck up it seems that everything does as well. Everything just seemed to spiral out of control and I wanted to stop it before I got sucked into that never-ending vortex._

_I know I should have told you, Nathan, but I couldn't. The times that I have tried and couldn't are too many. Despite you being older, I still see you as a younger brother I have to protect. I couldn't destroy the happiness you had spent so many years creating._

_But ignorance is not safety and I learned that the hard way. The truth is going to come after you one way or another and this is how it got to you, not even face-to-face. Pathetic, I know, but as I said earlier, I'm working on it._

_I know I've put you through hell, and believe me, I genuinely am sorry. I know 'sorry' doesn't mean much, but I promise to you I will show you that I truly am. You know I don't promise things if I don't mean them._

_Nathan, you're going to get through this. You're unbelievably emotionally strong, even when we were children, and I am still incredibly jealous. Depression doesn't slow you down, you just fight against it before it can even scratch you._

_There's people there for you, and I am slowly accepting that I have people that love me too._

_Eren, I know you're blaming yourself for this and nothing I say will change that, but I will anyway. This is not your fault. You're still strong, even if you are bruised. Never let your passion burn out, you owe it to yourself._

_I'll be able to explain myself more fully soon._

_I promise_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a good 1000 words longer as an apology. It would have been up yesterday but I arrived home later and didn't have enough time to finish it and edit. Hope you enjoyed :D


	13. The Guest

Bitter winter air sneaked through the brothel window, smothering the stench of Eren's cigarette. He tapped it against the ledge as he counted off the minutes until his next customer.

Karin's words were still as fresh as a gaping cut in his mind. He tried to shake them off but they were glued to his every thought.

_I promise._

His chest constricted painfully at the memory of her dead gaze fixed on the hospital ceiling. He had known Karin's relationship with her mother was always strained, but never to that extent. In a way he understood how she felt; He too had long since emotionally distanced himself from his good-for-nothing father.

Nathan didn't understand it in the same way though. Anger is a dangerous emotion, and when mixed with hurt it's lethal. Dealing with the sudden death of your mother isn't easy on anyone, let alone with all the other shit stacked on top. Nathan had every right to be angry.

"The boss won't be pleased if he catches you smoking on your first day back," Marco's honey voice interrupted Eren's daydream.

"He can go fuck himself with a chainsaw for all I care," Eren scowled with a sharp drag.

"He's not the easiest person to work with," Marco replied sheepishly.

"No shit," Eren bitterly retorted. Flicking the cigarette onto the damp grass outside, he turned to face Marco directly, "You should get back to your job, Marco, I don't want to get you in trouble. Besides, my next customer is going to be here any minute."

"Sure. Take care, Eren,"

"You too."

And with that Marco exited through the cracks of the door. Eren sighed abd rubbed his face to compose himself. He needed to touch up his make-up, he realized with irritation.

Eren perched onto the carpet by the tall mirror pressed against the crimson walls. Carefully, he re-applied his mascara, transforming his lashes into alluring spider legs. He also painted on another shimmering layer of peach lip gloss. Eren had to remind himself not to lick off the inviting taste.

HIs scalp was still tender from his last patron. Hair pulling wasn't enjoyable when you genuinely feared that your head is about to be ripped off. But as always, Eren just had to put up with it.

An impatient knock at the door prompted Eren to open it. A slim, but tall, man in his early thirties strutted in with an overly confident smirk. He had an aura surrounding him that just screamed 'I own this place.' Cockiness was one of the least attractive traits someone could have to Eren. He "suavely" sleeked back his cropped bronze hair against his large forehead.

"Sebastian, is it?" He flirtily cocked his head in a way he must have thought was sexy. Eren barely suppressed the unimpressed roll of his eyes. _You should know the name of the guy you spent a mini fortune on to fuck. Is romance truly dead?_

"I don't know; You tell me," Eren teased, tilting his head back slightly, "I can be anything you want me to be,"

"I want you in a school uniform," the man requested with a damned smirk.

"You could have asked at the desk. I would have been ready for you," Eren pouted playfully. Luckily, his room was equipped with a wardrobe stuffed with all the generic, kinky costumes you can think of. _Why never the maid dress? My legs would look amazing in that._

Eren slowly stripped his clothes, peeling off his skin-tight shorts with a coy giggle. The man ate it up like a toddler with a double chocolate birthday cake. The material that was glued onto his torso went next; It was missing too much fabric to be called a proper shirt.

It was a struggle to slip into clothes that could fit a teenager and still look seductive. Eren thankfully managed not to squirm as he squeezed into the blouse that threatened to rip being stretched so tightly over his chest. At least he managed to get his head through the neckline without popping any buttons. _How do people with boobs manage to wear these without feeling like they're in a death grip?_ Eren would have to ask Karin another time.

What was the point of putting this on? It wasn't like it would be staying on for long. And after all of Eren's efforts! Then again, he may be one of those people who like to fuck people with their clothes on. Actually, with the look on his face he was certainly one of those kinky fuckers. _What's so bad with vanilla these days?_

If he shut his eyes he could imagine it was Levi skimming his hands across his abs and toned thighs. He felt like he was betraying Levi by doing it, but it made it a lot easier to deal with, pleasurable even.

Instead of hands with Dorito crumbs caked in the nails digging into his hips, Levi's delicate creamy hands were delicately caressing his skin like a work of art to be admired. Hooded, ashy eyes drank in Eren's form lustfully, and with admiration. _Am I getting turned on by this? I don't even like Levi in that way!_

Their lips connected and Eren imagined they were Levi's inviting pale ones alternatively to ones that tasted of stale hot dogs. He was no longer on thin, wispy sheets but on sinfully red, silk ones scattered with rose petals. Scented candles softly hummed in the background, painting their bodies a lustful amber as their bodies melted against each other. Call it cliche, but it was his fantasy, he could go with whatever he wanted.

Levi's hands tenderly stroked the insides of his thighs as his lips skillfully sucked on his neck. His smooth, ebony hair tickled against his collarbone, which Levi moved down to devour. There was no rush. They could take their time appreciating each other bodies for as long as they wanted. They had all the time in the world.

"You've been a bad boy, Sebby," the customer growled, shattering Eren's blissful fantasy. _Sebby? Is he actually fucking serious? That's what you interrupt my amazing daydream with. Cheesy dirty talk that had been in more bad porno's than I want to count. Jesus Christ._

"Mhm, you need to punish me," Eren moaned, playing along in this corny role play. _Don't roll your eyes, Eren. Come on, picture Levi._ _No, don't picture Levi, that's weird!_

Four harsh spanks released a surprised squeak from Eren.

"Yeah, you like that, don't you, Princess?" He leered and delivered another sharp hit to his arse. _How could I not?_

"Spank me harder, Daddy," Eren whined. _Please don't have a Daddy kink. Please don't have a daddy ki-Fuck, he has a Daddy kink. I really hope the Princess' these days aren't fucking the kings. The world is screwed up enough already.  
_

_Imagine it's Levi, even if you don't like him like that. Come on, he does look like a kinky little shit, I just expected him to be less cheesy about it. Oh god, Eren you are so weird. Don't ever open a conversation with 'hey, I imagine it's you fucking me when I'm at work.' Freak._

It went without saying that the rest of the experience wasn't a thrill. Even with Eren's vivid imagination.

 

With a far redder bottom than Eren had before, he trudged towards Marco's desk to pick up his wage. He was greeted with a sunny smile and a satisfying pay check.

"Have a good evening, Eren," Marco beamed as Eren counted his notes.

"Don't you mean morning?" Eren corrected with a laugh.

"Evening sounds better, don't you think?" Marco replied.

"Whatever you say," Eren chuckled and made his way towards the exit. Thankfully, he didn't have to acknowledge his Boss' existence today.

As always, Eren found himself thinking of Levi again. He should apologize to him. Thinking of how distressed Levi looked only made him feel guiltier. It'd be uncomfortable, but the right thing to do. _Having good morals suck. I am too tired for this shit.  
_

Instead of taking his usual route towards home, Eren took the street to his right on the way to Levi's store. As expected, it was empty except from the bitter man standing at the desk.

To stall time, Eren browsed various paint brushes he had no use for. He pretended to look intrigued at the different variations and textures whilst he composed himself. What was he going to say? What would Levi say? He could throw him out for all Eren knew.

With a sigh, Eren admitted defeat and walked towards the desk to face his problems head on. Levi lifted his head from the book laid on the counter with an unamused expression. Eren felt like a small child who just got told off by a teacher by the way he was glaring at him.

"Listen, I'm sorry for what happened the other day. It's my fault entirely and I swear I didn't mean to upset you. You misunderstood me, I just want to be friends," Eren began with shaky breaths. His heartbeat was hammering like a vicious drum.

"It's not your fault, brat," Levi sighed and rubbed the crease between his eyebrows, "It's been a stressful week. I was just acting out,"

"Do compliments really freak you out that much?" Eren shouldn't have said it but he couldn't take it back now. Levi was silent for a moment.

"You have gorgeous eyes, Eren," Levi replied. He may as well punched Eren in the face, it would have hurt a lot less. His entire body tensed cautiously, "See, we're very alike, the two of us,"

"That's not what I meant!" Eren blushed furiously.

"I know it wasn't, but you get my point now," Levi shrugged and directed his gaze back to the pages below him.

"I am sorry though," Eren deeply exhaled.

"Seriously, kid, stop worrying about it. I forgive you," Levi rolled his eyes. A warm feeling bloomed in his chest like a garden of roses followed by a wave of relief.

"Levi, what happened to you?" Eren asked, overcome with a sudden desire to know everything about him, "You know about Alexander, yet I barely know anything about you,"

"I don't know everything about you either, unless you and Alexander really did sit around tea and politely discuss your relationship before you decided to part ways,"

"But that's more than I've got to work with!"

"Fine. I used to be homeless,"

"How old were you?"

"Fourteen,"

"Shit, that's rough,"

"Tell me about it,"

"How long were you on the streets?"

"Seven years,"

"Jesus, Levi. I only lasted two years, and even then I was legally an adult,"

"Age doesn't mean shit. Being homeless sucks for everyone,"

"I guess, but didn't your parents try to look for you?"

Levi didn't answer. The look on his face said enough.

"Sorry, that was a really ignorant thing to say, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was. It's fine, I can't really blame you for not knowing better,"

"Well, my mum's dead and I haven't seen my father since I was twelve, so yeah, you can blame me,"

"Don't you have a heartbreaking life story, brat? What are you, a protagonist or something?"

"Nah, I'm gay I can't be a lead. I'd be the gay best friend instead so the author can congratulate themselves for knowing that queer people exist,"

Eren didn't expect Levi to actually laugh and he certainly didn't expect the racing of his heartbeat upon hearing it. It was strangely nice to talk so openly about their lives like this. No overly dramatic heart-to-heart talk, but just friendly jokes whilst still being serious. It was a pleasant change to embarrassing tears and deep confessions.

"Touche,"

"What would you be in a story?"

"If I wasn't such a grumpy old shit I'd probably be a love interest. Broken boys are romantic now a days, I'd be a perfect shattered diamond just aching to be fixed by a pretty boy with the ocean in his eyes,"

"How do you know so much about bad indie movies?"

"Ask Petra and her shitty taste in movies,"

"I took her more for a art-films-that-don't-have-any-actual-meaning kind of girl,"

"You're right for once then, she likes those as well,"

"Does she watch any movies that you actually like?"

"The Perks of Being a Wallflower,"

"You like that film?!"

"Don't look so shocked, I can actually like things,"

"I bet you cried,"

"Nearly,"

"I was joking! You nearly cried! Didn't take you as such an emotional person, Levi,"

"Don't make regret telling you,"

"Your secret is safe with me,"

"Don't bother, Hanji's already told everyone I care about,"

"You care about people?!"

"Oi! People I care that know,"

"I'm teasing, Levi,"

"I know."

 

For once, when Eren woke up he was greeted by breakfast instead of being the one to make it.

"Lia said I should learn how to cook, something about learning to be a responsible adult," Nathan grinned brightly.

"Ew, adulthood," Eren squirmed jokingly. He woke up oddly refreshed. Probably had something to do with his talk with Levi yesterday.

He took the bowl of cereal swimming in too much milk and the spoon provided as well.

"Nathan,"

"Yes?"

"This is cereal,"

"We all have to start somewhere,"

"You're such a twat,"

"Hey, don't be mean! I went through so much emotional stress making that,"

"I'm sure you did,"

"Hey!"

Eren tucked himself out of bed, laying his half-eaten bowl on the bedside table. He padded towards his wardrobe and took out a basic shirt of a band he didn't listen to anymore and slashed jeans.

"Ooh, very 2009, Eren, I like it," Nathan ridiculed with a lopsided smirk.

"Do you really want me to bring up your scene phase?" Eren threatened.

"You wouldn't dare! I burned all of those Asking Alexandria posters years ago, Eren! I swear!" Nathan promised.

"I hope you did," Eren chuckled as he pulled the shirt over his head. He was about to put on his trousers when a hairbrush hit him square in the face.

"What the hell!" Eren roared.

"You looked like you needed it," Nathan cackled whilst running for his life. Eren only shook his head and sighed, before yanking the brush through his tangled locks. _I live with such a twat._

"A lovable twat!" Nathan corrected from the doorway.

_Did I say that out loud?_

"You did, honey."

 

Whilst Nathan was out shopping for ingredients now the bills were finally paid, Eren rolled around on the sofa stuck on what to do. The living room had started to collect dust after days of neglect. Karin would be pissed that they hadn't kept the apartment clean, but thinking of her made Eren's head ache so he ended his train of thought immediately. His calm spells didn't come often so he had to make the best of them.

Karin's sketchbook peeked out from under the sofa. Eren's eyes flitted to the pencils and rubber arranged on the coffee table and found a way to distract himself.

Flicking to an empty page, Eren picked up a pencil and began to sketch. He tentatively sketched a few basic lines, testing the thickness, before letting his mind take over. Soon, the page was bursting with different faces, both familiar and new.

In one corner Karin was weakly swiping Nathan's forehead with a tiny smile. In the other Hanji was laughing with an unrealistically wide jaw as they pinched Petra's flushed cheeks. Detailed sketches of Levi, Karin, Hanji, Erwin and Petra filled the white space with their alive expressions and features. Even Marco made a small appearance at his wonky desk stacked with money.

He didn't realize how much time had gone by until Nathan walked in with plastic bags hanging off his arms like unfashionable bangles.

"Eren, those look so good! I didn't know you were drawing again!" Nathan beamed in amazement.

"I'm not really, just sketching," Eren dismissed with a shrug.

"I need to stop hanging around with talented people, it is destroying my confidence!" Nathan groaned.

Eren smiled and got up to help Nathan stock up the fridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should know I listened to this is love by super junior the entire time writing this, even if I don't like the group. I'm sorry this is late but I was visiting my grandparents with no internet and it was an eight hour journey back and writing with you relatives breathing over your shoulder is distracting when you're basically writing smut. I should be doing a double update to make up for it though so you better appreciate it


	14. Downtown

"Eren! Wake up!" Nathan bellowed as he rapidly shook Eren's sleeping form. He groaned and curled deeper into the sheets.

"Mhm, fuck off, Nathan," Eren yawned. He yanked the pillow and used it to smother his face into.

"But, Eren! It's important!" Nathan whinged and lightly shoved Eren's body.

"Don't care...Sleep," Eren mumbled blearily, the words barely legible. The punching only got more relentless the longer he kept his eyes shut.

"Ereeeen!" Nathan pleaded, stealing the pillow from his grasp.

"What?!" Eren snapped crankily, shooting up from the bed.

"I got a job!" He announced with an infectious beam.

"Huh?" Eren murmured as he brushed sleep out of his eyes, "You did what?"

"I said I got a job!" Nathan repeated with just as much enthusiasm as before. The words began to sink in.

"Congrats, Nathan. Since when were you searching?" Eren smiled lightly through his exhaustion.

"Since the accident. I realized I couldn't rely on you guys to provide for me forever, and besides, I didn't want to always be useless," Nathan shielded away his gaze from Eren shyly.

"You never were useless in the first place," Eren scoffed and playfully punched his hip.

"Easy for you to say," Nathan rolled his eyes, "Anyway, so this guy was saying he needed an editor for his comic and I was like, hey, I was in the school newspaper, I could legit do this. So I replied, realized he was adorable as hell, and landed the job,"

"I didn't know you liked twinks, Nathan," Eren smirked.

"If I didn't like twinks, I wouldn't like you. And how dare you imply I only took the job because he was cute! Even if it is was mostly true," Nathan replied.

"I am NOT a twink!" Eren declared huffily, crossing his arms over in chest which only made him look more childish.

"Babe, you are such a twink. You are completely hairless!" Nathan argued with a teasing giggle.

"Says you!" Eren countered hotly.

"I am way past the height limit to be a twink! There's nothing wrong with being one, Eren. Seriously though, you've got nothing on the guy I'm working for. He legit looks twelve," Nathan snorted. 

"I wouldn't say he's hot then, kinda makes you sound like a pedophile," Eren advised.

"Don't worry, Eren! He's legal, I checked," Nathan winked.

"And I bet you were  _so_  subtle about it," Eren remarked sarcastically.

"Well, when we skyped I basically asked 'are you legal?' and he went so red I thought he was going to set on fire!" Nathan howled.

"You're a horrible person, you know that?" Eren shook his head in disapproval, "Don't tease him, Nathan, he probably doesn't deserve it,"

"But it's so much fun, Eren!" Nathan huffed, falling onto the mattress.

"I'm sure it is," Eren rolled his eyes, "Now move, I need to shower,"

"Don't take too long, he'll be here soon!" Nathan pouted.

"What? So you can screw him in oblivion?" Eren raised an eyebrow as he fetched a towel.

"Of course not! We were going to start with oral first to "gently" ease him into it," Nathan sneered jokingly, "No, I just need to read through what he's written and correct any mistakes and point out plot holes and all that stuff," 

"Doesn't sound too complicated, I'm sure you can manage," Eren made one last final jab before climbing into the steamy shower. 

 

_This was not happening. What had I ever done to deserve this, God? Huh? No answer? Yeah, as expected, you douche bag. You just love to fuck me up, don't you? Whatever I have ever done to deserve this, I am genuinely sorry. I promise, my lord._

Eren could physically feel the achingly awkward tension as he and Jamie openly gaped at each other. There were coincidences, and then there were fucking jokes. Nathan flitted his gaze between the two, confusion and amusement evident on his face. Jamie's face was so red that the firetrucks were jealous.

"Am I missing something here?" Nathan cheekily smirked, not even trying to be subtle about his implications. 

"Oh my god!" Jamie squealed beneath his hands, and even those were blushing. It was just about bearable when they were on their own, but with a third party involved, well... It suddenly made the whole ordeal painfully embarrassing all over again. 

"I think I should leave you two alone," Nathan smiled a shit-eating grin.

"No! It's fine!" Jamie squeaked. 

"Um, I've got...stuff to be doing," Eren excused himself pathetically. 

"What? Your hand?" Nathan mocked, his smile managing to grow even bigger. Whilst Jamie's cheeks were imitating tomatoes, Eren frantically fled.

"Eren! Come back!"

Eren slammed the door shut and took several deep breaths. He knew it wasn't that big of a deal, they had sort of talked it through and all, but it was still uncomfortable. Karma must really be biting him in the arse to do this to him. As much as he wanted  to, he unfortunately could not hide in his room forever. Nathan would drag him out some way or another. He hadn't been socializing enough apparently.  _Bullshit, I say._

He busied himself with sorting out his hair using Karin's straighteners which had mysteriously wandered into their room instead. His hair was a tad too wild today and he may as well since he had the time. Eren had been debating wheither to cut his hair or not, but he decided he liked it long. 

With a stranded comb glistening with hairspray, Eren brushed through his mane whilst he waited for the straighteners to heat up. The styling tool beeped to alert Eren they were hot enough and he got to work. Shockingly, he only burned himself once through the whole thing. 

He could hear Jamie's flustered whines through door. Eren knew it was wrong to leave him with a tease like Nathan, but he wasn't quite ready to really face the awkwardness. 

But it seemed the world wasn't being too ruthless to Eren today, and Jamie left in under an hour. Apparently they were only discussing work hours and wages.  _Still took them a long time though..._

"Don't look so sour, Eren," Nathan greeted when Eren finally left his room, "Whatever went on between you two probably isn't that weird,"

"He was a customer of mine, so yeah, it is a bit weird," Eren explained, burning with embarrassment. 

"Ooh," Nathan cringed sympathetically, "Awkies, am I right?"

"If you say "awkies" ever again I swear to god I will decapitate you," Eren threatened. 

"But my beautiful face!" Nathan gasped in horror, "You can't leave my gorgeous body without a gorgeous head!" 

"Don't give me a reason then," Eren warned deeply and laughed at the genuine fear swimming in Nathan's iris'. 

"Bet you sound hot when you talk like that in bed,"

Eren had nothing to do with the scarlet lump decorating Nathan's head later on; He promises.

 

Sweat caked Eren tan skin once his shift was over. He was in desperate need of a shower, seeing as how popular he was tonight. Mo' money, less problems was the way Eren liked to think of it. He was definitely looking forward to his wage tonight; he firmly believed he deserved it after what an exhausting night he just had. 

The night was refreshingly cool for once instead of being bleak and bitter as always. Nevertheless, Eren had Karin's bulky winter jacket wrapped around himself just as a precaution. Having a cold  _wasn't_  sexy at all. Who wants to be sneezing everywhere? Not Eren, that's who. 

He jolted when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

"Hello?" Eren answered, not bothering to look at the caller I.D.

"Eren, this is really important! Don't come home! You need to hide, I'm being serious!" Nathan rasped hurriedly. In the background Eren could hear a furious voice which made his stomach lurch as if he was on an loopy rollercoster. His mind went blank from uncensored terror.

"Why the fuck do I hear, Alexander?!" Eren quivered, voice layered thickly with rising hysteria.

"Eren, I don't know how he found us or why, but you can't come home!" Nathan quaked. Eren could hear the scraping of furniture being moved. 

"Like hell I'm leaving you with him, I'm coming to get you, Nathan!" Eren declared. 

"Eren! NO!" Nathan yelled but was interrupted by the click of the call ending.

A mixture of determination and heart-stopping fear for Nathan fueled Eren's legs to sprint back home before it was too late. Images of Nathan being attacked by Alexander flooded his mind and only made him run faster. His chest heaved in protest but his feet continued to race.

Making it up the stairs in record time, Eren burst through the door like a bullet. Alexander's head swerved to glare, pure flames of hatred flaring in his eyes. Eren was thankful to see that Nathan had baracaded himself in his room. 

"You took your time to show up," Alex stated tonelessly. His face was emotionless apart the fire spitting at him from his eyes. 

Eren didn't entertain him with an answer. Faster than he knew he was capable of, he lunged at him, landing a crushing blow to his nose. Shock distorted his features before being painted over by ugly fury. 

Eren wasn't even scared.

He felt anger so strong he felt like it was going to tear him apart. 

It was never him to blame, and Eren was a fool for ever believing that. But not as much as a fool as Alexander is for thinking he could even dare to try and intimidate the people Eren loved.

Eren wanted payback, and he was going to get it. 

He didn't give Alexander any chance to fight back, blocking all of his hits successfully with his fists. Blood trickled down his chin where it had leaked from the fountain gushing from his nose. With his chunky boots, he round-housed Alexander in the gut, making him tumble down onto the floor. Taking advantage of inability to move, Eren raised his boot and slammed it against Alexander's throat like a pesky bug. Blood surged from his lips, caking his chin with even more crimson liquid. 

Eren frantically pulled the bedroom door open, shoved the furniture out of the way, and grabbed Nathan. He didn't bother being gentle, now wasn't the time. 

"We're leaving now!" Eren growled.

"What about our stuff!" Nathan exclaimed. 

"It doesn't matter! We're getting the fuck out of here!" Eren commanded firmly and dragged him out of the building. They ran for their lives like prey fleeing from their predator. 

"Where are we going?!" Nathan rasped whilst they were still scampering away. The wind stole most of his words but Eren still managed to understand.

"Train station, I've got a place where he won't find us," Eren explained through heavy pants.

"I hope to God you do, Eren!" Nathan screeched. 

As they closed the gap to the train station, it dawned on Eren that there wouldn't be any trains coming for over an hour. That'd be more than enough time for Alexander to find them!  _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

Nathan guided Eren behind the ocean of trees and sat him down when he started to stagger from his swimming vision. Eren's breathing began frantic and animalistic, barely sounding human at all. Sweat ran down his forehead in individual rivers and past his jittering jawline.

_Alexander could have put him in hospital or killed him and I would have walked home to his dead body and Karin would never leave that institution because of it and it would have been all my fault and Nathan would have never been able to see Lia or Angela ever again and they would be destroyed and it would have been my fault my fault my fault and Alexander is going to kill me and-_

"It's okay, Eren," Nathan whispered, sensitive to Eren's heightened senses. He understood that if he talked normally it'd be deafeningly loud to him. Nathan stood a reassuring distance away, giving Eren space to breathe, "Count with me, Eren. In, one, two. Out, one, two."

Eren complied, taking in quivering breaths. He tried his hardest to focus on breathing like a normal person rather than his spinning thoughts. Nathan gradually increased the counts to four beats, and then six until he stopped trembling.

"Exactly like that, Eren. In through your nose and out through your mouth," Nathan's tender voice was reassuring as well as calming. 

"Fuck," Eren sighed as his panic attack began to ebb away, "Thanks, Nathan," 

He patted his pockets and almost burst into tears when he couldn't find his cigarettes. His ears scorched red from embarrassment of having an attack around someone else.  _I've just given Alexander a bigger advantage and put Nathan in even more danger now. Shit!_

"We need to get away," Eren stated as he raised up.

"Alex can wait, are you okay?" Nathan interrupted, grabbing Eren's wrist as he turned to start running.

"Fucking dandy, Nathan. What else would I be? In cause you didn't realize Alexander is probably looking for us right now and I'd rather not be unconscious or dead by the end of the day!" Eren's snapped, voice dripping with venom.

"Eren, calm down," Nathan soothed but only spiked Eren's nerves even higher.

"Wow, you're such a fucking genius, Nathan! I'm magically calm now! I should have kept that in mind! Thanks, I'll make sure to use that next time!" Eren's tone was drenched in sarcasm, "You could have fucking died and it would have been my fault, okay!? So do me a favour and stop being such a fucking twat!"

"Iff you're so worried about Alex hurting m _e_  then bitch at me later and actually get moving!" Nathan yelled. Eren's eyes widened in shock at being shouted at from Nathan of all people, but then he nodded. They could fight later, their priority was getting away, and getting away fast. 

Nathan hollered (more like screeched) at a passing taxi, causing it to halt in it's tracks. Eren sprinted into the front seat whilst Nathan reached for the back. Terror had raised Eren's levels of paranoia and Alexander could be anywhere at this point. He was relieved when he saw the driver clearly wasn't him.

"Get me to Rose Lane, I'll pay you extra if you make it fast," Eren commanded, not bothering to be polite. Manners can wait.

"On it," the driver replied and Eren was glad he didn't force any small talk. 

_How did he even find out where I live? Great, everything is completely fucked up now! How am I going to find a new apartment? I can't afford to move out of the area, but then Alexander is going to find me! And we've lost all our stuff which he's probably destroyed! I should have tied him up, but then I would have the police to handle and who are they going to believe?_

Eren grit his teeth. He feared another panic attack was just around the corner so he repeated his breathing exercises to calm his raging pulse. 

_If I had just never met him none of this would have happened. I'd be living a blissfully ignorance lifestyle with a normal job around normal, boring people. How can one person change someone else's life so much you can't even recognize it anymore? No one should be allowed that power over someone._

He felt his heart pinch at the sound of Nathan covering up his sobs. He'd wanted to say something but couldn't think of anything that could make the situation better. Eren was scared shitless. He couldn't even calm himself down, let alone anyone else! Besides, the journey would have gotten even more awkward if Eren started a pep-talk with a complete stranger in the background. 

They made it to their destination quicker than they expected. Eren didn't even bother looking at how many notes he handed over. It wasn't like the driver complained. 

They both scampered out of the car before knocking on the door.  _What if he isn't in? Then what are we going to do? He's going to be so pissed that we've decided to crash at his at five am._ However, his thoughts were banished when the door opened. Relief hit him like a ton of bricks. 

"What the fuck are you two doing here?" Levi demanded with a mixture of confusion, irritation and...worry?

"Please tell me you have cigarettes."

 

Eren felt guilty for waking Levi but he wouldn't have if the situation wasn't urgent. He awarded himself with shots for explaining what happened without having a panic attack, crying, or screaming out of frustration. Levi's eyes didn't hold a trace of judgment when Eren told his story, and for that he was grateful. He agreed to let them stay whilst they figured out what they'd do about the entire mess.

Nathan used the shower meanwhile Eren was shooed outside onto the balcony to smoke a cigarette. Levi threatened to chop off his balls if he dared get the stench of nicotine in his immaculate house. Eren wasn't crazy enough to test if he was serious or not. 

"Just checking you didn't fall off the edge," Levi said, standing next to Eren. He leaned onto the ledge with his forearms and wrinkled his nose at the smell. Eren had known Levi long enough now that he knew his sarcastic remark meant that he was checking to see if he was okay. It was blindingly obvious that he wasn't.

"Still here, don't worry," Eren replied and took another drag, "Do you ever just get a moment of clarity and then hate yourself for not realizing it for so long,"

"Go on," Levi gave Eren permission to rant, knowing well he needed it now more than ever. 

"It's just seeing Alexander like that again just made me realize I've been blamed the wrong person for far too long," Eren exhaled heavily, "It's just that I spent so many years blaming myself for everything that happened, and now it's just clicked and I feel so stupid for not realizing it,"

"You're not stupid," Levi stated it so strongly that Eren almost believed him, "Abusers manipulate people, Eren, it's how they control them. You are not stupid for believing what he's said when you trusted him so much."

"Thanks, Levi," Eren attempt a lazy grin which probably looked strained.

"You need sleep, brat," Levi ordered, "Even the bags under your eyes have bags,"

"At least mine are designer," Eren snorted, "Whereas yours aren't even crummy knockoffs,"

"Eren, I hope you are fully aware that I can throw you off this balcony right now if I wanted to," Levi warned, voice low and dangerous. Eren only laughed in reply. God, did it feel good to laugh, even if it was bordering on hysterial. 

"Come on, you can take my bed," Levi rolled his eyes, heading towards the balcony door. Eren stubbed out his cigarette and flicked it over the ledge, making Levi twitch comically. 

Being around Levi always made Eren feel at ease, not matter what shit had happened. He could always bring himself to smile around him even if he didn't feel like it. Eren felt the urge to hug Levi, just to thank him for everything, but he knew Levi would break his limbs if he even tried.

"Sorry I don't have a spare room, you'll have to share with Nathan," Levi apologized without looking too heartbroken about it.

"Sorry you have to sleep on the couch," Eren grinned sheepishly. 

"Don't loose sleep over it, kid; Not like I'll be getting any anyway," Levi sighed. Eren shot a sympathetic look at him but he dismissed with a sharp shake of the head. 

"Night, Eren,"

"Don't you mean morning?"

"Shut it."

Eren only realized how exhausted he was once his head hit the pillow. He didn't have the energy to strip. Sleep was the most important thing right now. All the shit that was going on could wait until tomorrow.

Eren didn't sleep peacefully that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing slow builds suck donkey balls but I must do it for the realism. I promise you though there will be some more ereri action and it will come canon within the next few chapters (spoiler alert.) This fic was becoming too fluffy so angst had to return because I'm a fucking physcopath and I can't have emotionally stable characters


	15. Moon Storm

As to how Karin would find out what happened, they had no idea. They had no access to contact with Karin apart from visits (their next one being another three days) or passing urgent notes through doctors. Eren highly doubted they'd freely let Karin back into an environment such as theirs at the moment. The benefits would be nice, but the suffering of his pride wouldn't be worth it. 

It was comforting to wake up to something normal after everything that had happened. Nathan was wrapped around Eren's body like a leech. For once, Eren awoke first and was up and ready whilst Nathan was still sleeping. He was wearing yesterdays clothes, hadn't washed yet, or brushed his teeth but he was still fairly prepared for the day. 

He couldn't just lounge around like he usually did with his free time. Eren would have to find an apartment and find it soon. Burdening Levi was the last thing he wanted to do. 

Around one in the afternoon, Eren left on his own to check out different apartments he had his eye on. He didn't want to force Nathan to go anywhere in his fragile state, so he left him behind with Levi's Ghibli collection. Nathan was horrified when he found out how limited his Disney collection was. Levi told him to deal with it. 

During the sales pitches, Eren tuned out. He didn't really care for what the seller had to say, he could see that the kitchen was very spacious himself, thank you very much. A very spacious kitchen which made the place too expensive for Eren. All the apartments he wanted were too expensive, and the ones that weren't still had police tape on the door.

By the time Eren was finished touring and finally arrived back at Levi's, he was exhausted. Prices and house-hunting had worn him out, so he decided he deserved to binge-watch all of Levi's films as well. Nathan had asked him how the searching once and Eren only answered grimly. Levi was sleeping whilst they were halfway through My Neighbour Totoro, saying that he'd castrate anyone who woke him up. Hey, even insomniacs need to sleep eventually. 

Again, Alexander had succeeded in making his life way harder than it had to be. And again, much to Eren's despise, he was sitting back whilst he let him. Why did he keep allowing him get away with this? Why wasn't he trying to stop him? Why hadn't he tried to take control for once and start getting his life together? He had spent too many sleepless nights feeling guilty for something he should have been making Alexander pay for. 

_I should hunt him down and make him sorry for ever touching me, for fucking up my life before it even started. Should I go tonight or maybe in the next couple days? No, why wait? Besides, we're all going to need our stuff sooner or later._

_Nathan's not going to allow me to go though, and Karin would tie me to the bed for even considering it. But it's not like she can stop me. Nathan however...I'd just have to not tell him. I'd feel like shit for lying, but I wouldn't unless it was important._

_What time would I do it_?  _If it went after work it would terrify Nathan, god knows he doesn't need any more fear at the moment. What excuse could I use for leaving for work early? Come on, Eren, you should be able to think of something! Errands? Nah, too suspicious. Who would I be running errands for anyway? Just say someone bailed out and I need to fill in for them, it worked before._

Eren would have to wait however as it was still far too early for his excuse to ever work. His legs twitched impatiently, even if he tried not to fidget too much; Nathan would notice. He just wanted to get the deed over and done with.

He was going to fight back for the first time in years.

                                                                ------------------------------

Escaping should have been easy. All it should have taken was a feeble excuse, and Eren would be set free. Unfortunately Eren's plan didn't work, and now he was being driven to the brothel by none other than Levi himself. This wasn't supposed to happen. 

They had all agreed that it was unsafe for Eren to go anywhere whilst they had no idea of Alexander's whereabouts. Eren had tried to subtly stop anyone from accompanying him, but his efforts were useless. In the end it was decided that Levi would drive him and pick him up later whilst he was at work. Eren wondered if day shifts actually existed at his store. Probably not. 

Eren waited until Levi's car was far out of sight until he sprinted away. He had no idea where to start looking, so he decided the best option was everywhere. Not a single corner of the city would be left unchecked. Determination and fury were the fuel behind his frantic searching. Restaurants, bars, stores, leisure centers and offices were all searched from head-to-toe.

Restlessness jolted impatiently in his thighs as Eren rose up in the elevator that was finally fixed. Irritatingly, he hadn't even caught a glimpse of him. Not a single flash of dark hair. He wanted to get this over with before the anxiety properly settled in. 

For some bizarre reason, Alexander had left the house as it was. No furniture was torn to pieces and all the pictures on the walls were as straight as they were before. Everything was perfectly in place. 

Eren grabbed two massive backpacks and began to load them full of everything essential. He bitterly threw in all his clothing and toiletries. Why should they have to be the ones moving out because of Alex? What was fair about that? Fuck all, that's what. 

Sickness churned in his gut once he moved on to Karin's room. The pastel lavender walls and the steam punk tattoo designs covering them brought melochony to crash over him like a tsunami wave. This is were Karin used to trap herself. This was the last place she was before she decided to kill herself. 

Since he was unsure as to what she would desperately want to keep, Eren ended up over packing. Everything from flashy jewellery to stranded pencils were thrown in. Karin's room was practically bare by the time he left it. Even the posters had been taken down and folded neatly into a paper folder. Everything that made the room unique had been taken away, making the room bland and basic.

As he turned to leave the apartment, Eren felt like he was watching his child being sent away to school for the first time. Memories, both pleasant and not so much, showered over him. It wouldn't be like this forever though. They weren't leaving, and that's that. The bags were just a precaution. Eren felt proud of himself for being prepared like an adult. He didn't know how he'd explain it to Nathan however. 

Once checking his phone, Eren realized he was five minutes off from being late to work. Running with bags was tricky. The plastic handles of the carrier bags dug into his wrists, threatening to snap them in half. Backpack still bouncing behind him, Eren raced into the brothel breathless.

Marco tried not to openly stare at Eren's panting figure hunched in the doorway.

"Can I chuck these bags under your desk?" Eren requested with ragged breaths. 

"Sure," Marco smiled warmly, "But can I ask why you have so many bags?"

"Long story," Eren dismissed in a way that Marco understood that he didn't want to talk about it. 

"Let me just move some stuff around," Marco said as he shuffled objects away from underneath his desk. When he had cleared away a clear spot, he took Eren's bags and positioned them neatly. In thanks, Eren flashed a smile before waving goodbye and jogging to his room. 

For once, the room was clean, and the carpet was free of lingering crumbs. The usual smothering moistness to the room had vanished.  _Note to self; Thank the cleaner (probably Marco) when you next see them._

In under a minute, the door opened to a usual customer. Eren was sprawled across the bed alluringly, clad only in tight shorts that could be better described as underwear. Expect from the fact that boxers would cover his behind better than the latex fabric stretched across his hips. 

"I've been waiting for you," Eren purred. His hands travelled down his chest to grab his crotch. A hiss purposely escaped his lips at the touch which really wasn't as exciting as Eren made it out to be. 

The customer slowly shut the door behind him, and stepped towards him with drawn out steps. Looking up at him through his eyelashes, Eren slid backwards to rest against the headboard. With his index and middle finger he beckoned the patron towards him with a tilted smirk. The patron followed in a dreamy daze. 

"We're going to have some fun." 

                                                         ----------------------------

It wasn't that fun; At least for Eren.

But it wasn't all that bad. Most of his sessions were fairly short, and Eren even managed to cum at one point. Work wasn't nearly as stressful as it usually was, and when Eren left (an hour earlier than usual) he didn't feel the usual deep ache in his bones he usually did. Even with all his bags weighing him down like an anchor. 

_Levi wouldn't mind me being late. I can just say that I got held up. I'm not leaving without making Alexander bleed._

But where the hell was he? Everywhere had already been searched and his entire mental checklist had been ticked off. Well, nearly...

Knowing Alexander and his rich family, it's very likely he did get that house he was looking for when he was younger. Bitterness pinched his heart at the thought of Alexander gushing about how they were going to live there. But Eren knew it wouldn't be worth it. If it was even possible, he'd be even worse off than he already was. Eren would rather handle aching limbs over bruised skin.

The house stood just as proudly as it did when Alexander first took Eren with him to look at it. The lush grass and flowers exploding with colour, despite the winter season, decorated the outskirts of the house charmingly. It was as if the magnificent manor had a magnetic pull to it, you just wanted to burst through the doors and marvel the halls from head-to-toe. 

With jumping heartbeats, Eren crept towards the door, swallowing down any lingering fear. His bags were disposed of in a nearby bush. The dark leaves and scratchy twigs disguised the vibrant colour of the backpack and colourless plastic. He raised his fist and flicked his wrist to firmly knock twice, ignoring the lavish doorbell.

Faint movement could be heard through the thick mahogany wood of the door. Eren tipped forwards and backwards on the balls of his feet whilst waiting.  He nearly fell over with excitement when the door finally opened. 

"Eren," Alexander gasped, "I see you're finally ready to talk,"

"You wish," Eren snarled, and shot out his fist.

Alexander caught it with a barely-concealed wince. 

"That's not a very friendly greeting," Alexander stated, still holding Eren's wildly trembling hand. 

"It wasn't supposed to be," Eren spat.

His lashed at Alex's chest with his foot, sending his body miles backwards. The movement caused the hood of his sweater to fly backwards to reveal the satisfying sole-shaped bruise on his neck. Eren lunged forward and landed an agonizing blow towards Alex's groin. A piercing roar was ripped out from his throat. 

But Eren didn't get the chance to raise another fist. 

Just as he was about to reach for his head, Alexander clutched the umbrella standing by the door and aimed the sharpened end above Eren's eyes.

"You have such gorgeous eyes, Eren. I might have to take them out so I can look at them forever," Alex cooed in a way that made Eren's blood turn to ice.

"You bastard!" Eren shrieked, and tumbled out of the crushing hold by slipping between through gap inbetween his legs. With his elbow, he fiercely jabbed the back of his neck. As Alex was tumbling, he grasped the back of his head by his hair, and smashed his face against the wooden floorboards. Eren repeated the action twice, painting his face crimson. Alexander spat the blood spewing from his mouth on Eren's face. 

Eren didn't even flinch. 

Too busy admiring the face soaked in scarlet, Eren left himself defenceless, giving Alex an opening. Eren's feet were jerked off the ground by the choking grip encased around his Adam's apple. His head crunched against the sleek walls. The fingers pressed in tighter and tighter and Eren felt his head spin with dizziness. 

Alexander released him and Eren tumbled to the floor in a heap. The same hands that just nearly choked the life out of him tenderly traced his jaw and lips. 

"Let's talk, Eren," Alex whispered. 

Eren clawed at the hands in refusal. He attacked Alex with everything he had, feet, teeth, fists and joints, in a untameable, unco-ordinated jumble of thrashing limbs. Through the adrenaline pumping through his veins, Eren could distantly feel precise punches smashing into his weak points. It was hitting the back of Alex's knees that gave Eren the advantage he needed. 

"You never fucking dare come near me or my family again!" Eren roared, "I hope your bullshit hasn't blocked your ear canals because if you ever even try to talk to me again I will rip your dick off!" 

With a final hit and a less-than-dignifying spit, Eren rose and came out the way he came, taking the umbrella with him to face the thunderous rain outside. 

                                                            --------------------------------

Levi was irritated that Eren was late.

He was furious around the new bruises. 

"You could have gotten fucking killed! I know you don't care if you die, but there's other people who do!" Levi exploded. 

"What was I supposed to do? Keep letting him ruin my life? He deserved what he got, Levi. He's not bothering me ever again," Eren hissed.

"For fucks sake! Eren you can't keep acting like a fucking shit-head all the time! You have to actually think before you do something utterly stupid!"

"I was thinking! I was thinking about how it's not fair that whilst my life is falling apart, he gets to live blissfully ignorant away from this shit storm!"

"That doesn't justify this!"

"So what?! I got it sorted, Levi, I don't always need to depend on you."

Eren didn't mean for the words to hurt Levi, but judging by the way his expression fell there was no doubt. They drove in tense silence through the flooded streets with the damp luggage laying across the newspaper spread out in the backseats. 

Eren didn't feel ashamed for what he did. He actually felt pretty proud of himself for standing up for himself. Alexander was evil, and evil people deserved punishment. 

"Listen, Eren," Levi sighed when they arrived back at the house, "I understand why you did it, but you really fucking scared me,"

Eren stared at him, his expression firm, yet sincere. 

"I'm sorry, Levi,"

"No you're not,"

"I'm sorry for making you worry," 

"Just tell me when you're going to do something fucking stupid in the future, okay?"

"I promise,"

"Don't make promises you can't keep,"

"I promise,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeehhhhhh Eren's character is all over the place but whatever. Sorry this is late, I don't really have an excuse except from that it wasn't ready. I've decided to try and update this at least every Monday and to try and stick to my plan. Also I plan to sort out chapter titles that properly work with the chapter theme and to correct my time skips with the proper punctuation (eww)
> 
> The ereri will come soon my children, I promise


	16. Golden Leaves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was late because I am lazy and couldn't be bothered (these chapters take hours to write shush) but I'm definitely (hopefully) going to update every Wednesday from now on

"What the fuck happened to your face, Eren?" Nathan demanded the moment he noticed his face. Biting his lip, Eren barely suppressed the roll of his eyes. As he ventured towards his bedroom, Levi gave him an unsympathetic look.

"Nothing," Eren insisted hotly, fists balled at his sides. 

"Do _not_  lie to me, Eren!" Nathan yelled, his angry expression overtaken by shock at the words that had fought past his lips. At his sudden outburst, his features relaxed in apology, "Please, Eren. I don't need this right now,"

"I saw Alexander," Eren admitted. Now wasn't the time to beat around the bush. Either way, Nathan was going to be pissed off from what he said. 

"You're not serious," Nathan gasped, "Goddammit, I knew you were reckless, but Eren! You absolute twat!"

Eren clenched his fists to keep them at his side. What he did wasn't reckless, it was the right thing to do. Maybe constantly being called an idiot didn't make him feel great. How about a 'good going, Eren!' for solving his problems? At least he was actually getting stuff done. Not just letting Alexander dominate him forever. 

"Look, Nathan. He's not going to be bothering me ever again!" Eren explained. 

"That's not how Alex works!" Nathan exasperated, "You're probably pissed him off even more!" 

"Trust me, he knows he's dead if he crosses me again," Eren snarled. 

"It's not you I don't trust," Nathan sighed, "I know you really want the apartment back, but I can't see us being safe there anymore. I don't feel safe there anymore."

Brutal anger flared deep in Eren's stomach. Even after everything, Nathan was still afraid. His fists shook with frustration. A tiny voice in his head nagged at him saying that he had already sorted Alexander, and that this wasn't Nathan's fault. But he ignored it. The glory of revenge was already beginning to wear off. It filled Eren's mouth with a bitter taste. 

"Have you finished your marathon?" Eren steered the direction of the conversation in an opposite direction. 

"Nope, you're arrived just in time to watch Mulan with me," Nathan broke the tense atmosphere with a wide smile. 

"Put it in then," Eren grinned, and jumped onto the spot next to Nathan. With the remote, Nathan skipped through the adverts and pressed play, snuggling into Eren's side. His head lay on Eren's chest and his legs over the other man's lap. 

They emerged themselves into the film, except from Eren's occasional sarcastic comments and Nathan's inapporiate remarks. 'He's allowed to make a man out of me any day,' being one of the corniest. Halfway through Levi had joined them as well. He sketched silently whilst Eren and Nathan cheered on the characters. Eren tried to look over once, but he simply shielded the paper away from his curious eyes.

Eren noticed how uncomfortably close Nathan had become. Even for Nathan, this was overstepping the boundaries. He tried to subtly shake him off but Nathan still stuck to him like sellotape. Nathan's eyes flitted to Levi's whenever Eren wasn't looking.  _Is he trying to make Levi jealous? But he's perfectly happy with Lia and Angela, and Nathan isn't like that. What's he up to?_

"I'm staying around Lia's tomorrow," Nathan announced once the movie had finished. The light from his phone tinted Nathan's face blue. 

"Have fun," Eren replied blankly. He'd be alone with Levi. For some reason the idea had his heart racing in a strangely exhilarating way. It was a odd and new feeling and Eren wanted more of it. It'd been a while since someone had made his stomach flutter like this. 

"I'm going to sleep," Nathan said, untangling himself from Eren's body. He clutched the sleeping bag folded neatly beneath the sofa and left to Levi's studio. Eren found it weird that he wasn't sharing sleeping in the living room with him like he usually did.  

"I didn't know you were dating," Levi commented once the door had shut. The words would have sounded jealous if it wasn't for his slated expression. His eyes didn't even stray from the sketchpad. 

"We're not!" Eren exclaimed with a fluorescent blush. 

"Doesn't look like it,"

"Well we're not okay,"

"Hm, whatever,"

"You're probably dating Erwin anyway,"

"I what?"

"I mean you look at each other like a married couple,"

Levi shut his sketchbook and placed it beside his thigh. He shot Eren a serious look through narrowed brows. Eren shivered under the intense stare. 

"I'm probably closer to Erwin than anyone, but that doesn't mean we're dating," 

"How many people have you dated?"

"Dangerous territory," 

"I'm sorry, I'm just curious,"

"Don't you know enough about me already?"

"There's still so much about you I don't know!"

"Same for you," 

"You know practically everything there is to know about me!"

"What happened after you left your first partner?"

"Do you really want the story?"

Levi hummed in reply. Inhaling deeply, Eren composed himself. It was only fair that he opened up if he expected Levi to as well.

"I went to the streets. I was so terrified Alexander would find me so I kept to the shadows. It...wasn't desirable, I'll say that. To pay for food I used to steal, and I wasn't proud of it, but I did it to survive. Even then, I was hungry a lot. 

I knew I needed a job, but I was shit at school and no place was going to hire a homeless man. Stealing felt wrong, but what else was I going to do?

My prostituting had started as a mistake. A man came up to me with a large, rowdy group of people. He was fairly young and very drunk. As a joke, he asked if I'd suck him off if he'd pay me, and as hungry as I was, I said yes. 

The guy booked an overnight stay at a nearby hotel and it was the first time in six months I had slept on a bed. I did as he asked me to, and he paid me. But then he started pushing further and I said no. He said he'd pay me extra if I did sleep with him so I went through with it. The sex wasn't even that bad compared to what I've had before. It still made me feel sick though. 

This carried on for about a year and a half. I wait for people to come up to me then let them shag me and get my money. Along the way I found the brothel and began working there full time. For me, it was my only option and I'm not proud of it. 

Alexander once cheated on me with Nathan, and when I found out he hurt him bad. Nathan was in hospital and everything. It's what made me run away in the first place. I know it sounds like I'm getting off track, but I'm not. One day, Nathan was walking down the street with Karin. They asked me to join them to a meal, and I unwillingly went with them. When it was finished they insisted I stay the night with them and I never got to leave. They knew I was a prostitute but they never took the piss, and I've been with them ever since," 

During his story, Levi didn't say a word, yet Eren knew he was intently listening. 

"You're lucky to have them," Levi commented after a short silence. 

"I know," Eren admitted.

"They're lucky to have you too,"

"Not really,"

"I think you'd find they are,"

"Why?"

"Because I can't think of anyone I've ever met that reminds me of you," 

"That's not necessarily a good thing," 

"I meant it in a good way," 

"Did you? You never compliment people,"

"That's not true,"

"Yeah alright, but you don't do it often,"

"So what? Do you want me to fucking shower you with affection?"

"I wouldn't object to it,"

"Aren't you needy?"

"I never said I wasn't," 

"You think you're cute, don't you?"

"I am pretty adorable,"

"Brat,"

"A cute brat,"

"A shitty one,"

"That's just mean,"

"I am mean,"

"No you're not,"

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

                                                                 ---------------------------------

The screech of construction work awoke Eren far too early the next morning. Shrieking machines and the crashing of material being dumped drowned out the sweet songs of the morning birds. Blinding sun flooded in through the wispy curtains and glistened too-brightly in Eren's eyes. From the kitchen he could strongly smell the scent of croissants and sugar. 

Stepping into the kitchen, he was greeted to the sight of Levi buttering toast with raspberry jam. Loose, yet fitting, clothes clung to Levi's shapely frame which distracted Eren much more than he'd like to admit. Shaking away the inapporiate thoughts, he focused on making his own breakfast. Lately his diet habits had been all over the place and the food did smell heavenly. 

Levi hummed in what Eren assumed was a 'good morning' as he layered butter onto his croissant thickly.

"Morning," Eren beamed brightly. He congratulated himself for not peeking down Levi's shirt which was so invitingly open.  _Do not stare at his collarbones. Do not stare at his collarbones._

"There's food in the cupboard," Levi commented as he promptly exited the room. Confused blankness was his only reply. Only then did Eren realize that Levi hadn't left him anything to eat. Sure, Levi wasn't overly warm, but the least he could do was leave him something behind. Sighing, Eren paced towards the cupboard and heaved the door open. 

Various tins and labels greeted Eren once the door swept open. Batting them out of the way, Eren searched for something suitable to eat. Upon doing so he saw something far more interesting. Breakfast could wait. To be honest, he wasn't even that hungry. He enjoyed the thought of what he had just found far more fun than a half-arsed breakfast. 

Turns out that Levi owns a vast collection of very expensive, very tempting vodka. Everything from your standard Smirnoff to Russian Standard and labels Eren didn't even know existed shone proudly in the kitchen lights. None of the bottles were more than half-empty. Most of them were still sealed tightly. Not a single fingerprint stained them. 

"Hey Levi! Since when did you own so much good alcohol?" Eren hollered with a small laugh. He grabbed the largest, fanciest bottle and carried it into the living room where Levi was; along with tiny shot glasses Eren was surprised Levi owned. 

"Fuck no," he shot down Eren's overexcited puppy grin, "I'm not wasting perfectly good vodka on a brat like you,"

"Come on, Levi! We should play drinking games like you're supposed to do in Uni!" Eren coaxed with an infectious smile.

"It's not as fun as the movies make it sound," Levi reassured with a curt roll of his eyes. 

"Live a little, Levi!"

"Last time someone said that to me I ended up at the police station at four am in my underwear,"

"Hanji?"

"Shockingly enough, yes," 

"They're not that bad!"

"They are,"

"So...Are you up for it?"

"You are such a brat,"

"That isn't an answer,"

"Give it here, if we're going to be doing this, we're doing it the right way,"

Eren handed over the bottle and glasses to Levi, which he filled to the brim. He gestured for Eren to sit next to him and switched the tv with a click of the remote. The tv began blaring overly bubbly preppy music which offended Eren's ears. It was quickly over before it even got the opportunity to begin. Instead it was replaced with a showing of some generic post-apocalyptic Dytopian movie about teenagers saving the world.

"Good timing, drink every time it copies The Hunger Games," Levi commanded.

"Jesus, Levi! I don't want to die of alcohol poisoning," Eren snorted.

"Drink up,"

And drink he did. Within the space of half an hour Eren was hammered. The familiar buzz of vodka fizzed in his blood; his senses dulled by the fuzzy screen blurring his vision. Eren felt himself laughing at things he didn't even know where funny, but he didn't care enough to mind. Although, he wasn't the only one significantly more relaxed.

"Your laugh is fucking adorable. No one should sound that fucking majestic when they laugh," Levi slurred. His hand punctuated his thoughts, but it kept drooping and slanting. 

"So's yours!" Eren cried too loudly. He clamped his hands over his lips at his stupid remark. Levi only laughed hysterically and took another enthusiastic shot. 

"You're allowed to look that hot when you're this fucking drunk," Levi pouted, yes, actually pouted and punched Eren. The hit had no real force to it; it was more of a brush than a strike. A wonderful scarlet spread across Eren's face when the palm remained on his bicep. 

"Same goes for you," Eren rolled his eyes and hit back. He chuckled over the anxiety rising in his stomach. Levi was startlingly close to his face and his plump, pale lips were far too inviting. Distantly in Eren's hazy mind he knew that he shouldn't. It had ended badly last time and it would again if he carried on. But he shoved those thoughts aside and leaned forward. 

Their mouths met in a clumsy kiss. Even if the action was unco-ordinated it still felt as graceful as a swan in flight. Levi's lips were smooth like good whiskey and Eren could get drunk just off the taste. Tongues brushed against each other messily, yet it still made Eren's stomach flip. His hand reached out to tug the sleek locks of Levi's charcoal hair. The moan he gasped out at the action fueled Eren to continue. 

"No, no stop," Levi abruptly pushed Eren away. His eyes grew glassy as his breath stuttered. Ebony strands trembled as he repeatedly shook his head, "We can't, no,"

Eren wished he could have been understanding, but all he felt was a sore mixture of frustration and disappointment. A red haze tinted his vision. 

"Why, Levi?! Give me a reason! It's obvious we both like each other!" Eren declared.

"You don't understand," Levi grit his teeth whilst fixing his gaze on the ceiling. 

"Really, Levi? Why wouldn't I understand? I'm fucking terrified but I'm willingly to give this a go if you are! I'm not just going to let you deny your feelings because I really fucking like you!"

"I'm not like you, Eren! I can't just say fuck it all the time and expect things to work!"

"Look, I haven't dated anyone in years because I've been bloody terrified I'd meet someone like Alexander again, but I'm willing to put that aside. Why? Because I realized that maybe, I actually deserve to be happy, and you do too!"

"You don't know what I've been through," 

"Because you won't let me!"

"I don't owe you anything! You have no right to know what made me this way!"

"I'm not expecting you to tell me right away, Levi! I've fucking bared my soul to you and you haven't done shit in return!"

"I can't,"

Levi's face looked so shattered it pierced Eren's heart. His perfectly pearly teeth dug deep into his bottom lip, drawing the faintest drop of blood. Quivering palms clenched around his thighs, squeezing tightly and letting his nails bury into the tender flesh. Eren moves to touch his shoulder but Levi ducked out of the way before he even moved. 

"Why can't you?"

"You'll find me disgusting,"

"How do you know that?"

"Because it fucking is, okay?!"

"I can't do anything if you won't let me, Levi,"

"Then fucking don't. I'm going to see Erwin,"

Eren doesn't try to stop him even though every part of him is shrieking to chase after him. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shut up, I know this chapter was cliche. But hey, we're moving swiftly closer to Levi's backstory which I have been waiting so long for to write.


	17. The Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of angst...Nothing new

Seeing Levi storm out the door sobered Eren up immediately. The elated glee of drunkenness seeped away from his veins as the door swung shut. Limbs trembling, he stretched out his palm to reach out for him. He wanted to move, but it was as if his feet were nailed to the floorboards, trapping him. The monochrome walls pressed in on him, halting the breaths crawling towards his lips. The pack of cigarettes in his bag were screaming at him. 

Erratically pacing into the room, he savaged his bag and lit one on his way to the balcony. Bitter air sliced across his bare arms. Eren didn't mind the chill; it helped clear his head. He needed it at the moment. Badly. His thoughts were a tangled string of unfinished sentences which he couldn't untie. 

Puffs of smoke fanned across his face, cooling the heat residing there. Lungs now choked with nicotine, the space encasing him seemed far less constrictive. Breathing in and out Eren calmed himself down, not to much success. He could still feel Levi's mouth pressed against his, and it felt far too sinfully good. His body ached to feel more of Levi against him, to feel his bare skin against his own.  _No, stop!_

But why should he have to? It wasn't like Levi didn't like him too! The attraction was obvious to anyone and Eren knew without a doubt it wasn't just him being hopeful. Why couldn't Levi just accept that they had chemistry? Or maybe Levi knew pursuing a relationship with Eren would only end badly. What would Levi get out of a relationship with him? He'd already screwed up more than once and they weren't even dating!

What if there was more than that though? What if Levi had his own personal relationships for not wanting to pursue a relationship? Eren knew he certainly had his own. But whereas Alexander used false charm to manipulative, Levi was icy and bitter. He didn't try and trick him into trusting him. Everything about him was truthful; Levi never lied. Even if it meant hurting someone's feelings. Of course it didn't completely wipe away his fear, but it sure helped. If Levi abused his trust he was letting him go, regardless of affection. Eren couldn't be more confident in those words. 

What if Levi had been abused? The thought made his body clench with dread and he had to hold onto the balcony for support. It would explain how distant he was and his unique personality. Anything could have happened and with the ideas spinning around in Eren's brain, none of them sounded pleasant. Thinking of any pain being inflicted onto Levi was too much to handle. He wanted to cry about what could have happened to him, and he wanted to cry with everything happening now. Why couldn't he just have an easy, strain-free relationship with Levi? Or even an easy relationship with anyone for once?!

Moping around wasn't solving anything. The problem was only getting worse the longer he left it alone. Wishing for the wound to stop bleeding wouldn't suddenly make it stop; he'd have to fix it himself. No longer was Eren backing down. Filled with sudden determination, Eren stubbed out the cigarette and lunged for the door.

He wasn't surprised when Levi didn't answer his call. Either he had turned his phone or Levi was ignoring his call. The first option hurt a lot less to think of. Instead, he called Erwin and explained the situation. He told Eren to meet him outside of Levi's house. Seeing the familiar sleek, black car was incredibly reassuring. At least Levi wasn't driving under the influence. 

Within minutes Erwin's impressive car rolled up and picked Eren up. As expected the car was immaculately clean and he was greeted with a smile, although strained. Erwin was dressed in a crisp, ivory dress shirt and casual cornflower-blue jeans. Eren honestly didn't care he was still in his pajamas. 

"He should be on his way to wherever you live," Eren explained as he buckled himself in. 

"Got it," Erwin nodded, swerving to turn in a different direction, "I'm not forcing you to, but do you mind telling me what happened with Levi?"

"We...might have kissed," Eren answered without a trace of embarrassment, "We were both drunk and it wasn't supposed to happen but it did,"

"I can't say I didn't expect this to happen," Erwin sighed, "Although I've got to say, you do move quickly, Eren,"

"I know what I want," Eren shrugged with a hint of defensiveness. 

"I wasn't criticizing you. If you didn't make a move Levi never would have," 

"Why?"

"It's not my place to say,"

"Okay. I won't ask again,"

"It would be better not to,"

Wiry buildings passed by them in a blur whilst Erwin sped towards his house. It seemed they had made an unspoken decision to start there. As they zoomed through the bleak streets they both nervously searched for a familiar head of black hair. But they didn't even spot a lock of it. The nauseating feeling in his stomach sharpened. Eren bit back rising bile. 

Erwin's house was almost as charming as he was. It wasn't overly large and obnoxious, but still stood tall and grand. A long rope of gritty driveway separated the rose beds and jade grass into two seperate sections. The garden was clearly carefully groomed and cared for. Eren never had imagined Erwin as a gardener, but he couldn't say he's surprised. Memories of his mother spending days slaving away to get the lawn perfectly trimmed washed over him like a bitter salty-sea.  _You don't need to make your mood worse. Stop._

"I'm just going to call Hanji to ask for their help," Erwin said before turning off the ignition. Eren nodded and patted his legs awkwardly. Sitting around was making him anxious. He should be using this time to find Levi! Didn't Erwin understand how important this was!? 

Eren was so stressed he didn't listen to a word of Erwin's conversation. In his panicked state Erwin's sentences were jumbled murmurs he couldn't understand. It wasn't like there was any point in listening anyway. Erwin had to click his fingers twice to get him to focus.

"Hanji's looking for him right now," Erwin explained, ending the call with a quick click, "I don't know if we should wait here or search the streets,"

"You can wait here. I'll go," Eren snapped with a bitterness he didn't intend.

"I'm not competing against you, Eren; I'm worried about him as well. We'll find him quicker if we work together,"

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry,"

"That's okay, I accept your apology. I suggest we start at the bridge,"

"You don't think he's-"

"No, I know for definite he isn't. I've noticed that his mental state has worsened over the last month, but not to that extent. It's a sentimental place for Levi. He visits it a lot,"

"That's understandable I guess,"

"After you,"

They both climbed back into the car. Light pellets of rain showered onto the roof creating a soothing sound whilst they drove with the radio on; the volume was barely a whisper. Eren focused on the swinging pine air-freshener hanging over the rear-view mirror to avoid conversation. He knew Erwin had known Levi for far longer, but could he really be so sure Levi wasn't going to try anything?

During their journey the light showers had turned into a torrential flood, added with violent thunder. The wind wipers swept away the buckets of water with determination, but struggled to do their job. Through the wet screen the city was barely recognizable. Their distance was short, but it still felt far too long. Eren suspected Erwin went slightly over the speed limit despite his composed appearance.

To their disappointment, the bridge was empty, as well as the roads. Eren wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed. The longer their search took, more hope drained away. It was hard to stay positive when so many terrifying thoughts wouldn't leave your brain. For all Eren knew, Levi could have been murdered!  _Great job of reassuring yourself there._

"We're going to find him, Eren. This city is only so big," Erwin reassured. All he got in reply was a non-committed hum. What was the point in pretending he believed him? 

And so they drove through more thin lanes and bright traffic lights. Every time he saw someone who resembled Levi his heart leapt, only to be crushed by a simple turn of the head. The sickeningly familiar shaking of his limbs hinted at things he really didn't want to happen right now.  _Not in front of Erwin._  Usual breathing exercises were failing him, only making his panic more hysterical. 

_This is my fault if I had just left my feelings alone we'd be fine and Levi wouldn't be lost in fuck knows where and he'd be safe and we've all be at home and it would be fine-_

Eren didn't realize they'd stopped until Erwin had once more loudly snapped his fingers. His features were clouded with worry, and worse, pity. The car was blisteringly hot. He had to get out before he was soaked in his own sweat. 

The stark contrast was as subtle as a brick to the face as Eren yanked open the door. The moment he stepped out his clothes were weighed down with rain. His quivering arms shook in protest at the temperature, but the iciness helped him focus. He leaned on a nearby phone-box for support, the icy surface biting his hand. Erwin chased after him in a confident jog. He was cautious to give him what was just a little too much space. He began to ask  him simple questions which he answered to the best that he could. He was confused as to why Erwin was asking him what colour his own hair was. Then he realized that he was trying to distract him. And surprisingly enough, it worked. 

Breathing became manageable again, and the knot is his chest loosened. With a tiny, stiff smile, Eren thanked Erwin through the embarrassment painted on his face. 

"Are you okay now, Eren?" Erwin queried in a hushed tone. Eren could see how hard Erwin was trying not to pat his shoulder reassuringly.  _Thank you._

"Yeah," Eren rasped, "We should get going; I've wasted enough time already," 

"Your emotional state is more important. I'm not leaving unless I'm sure you're okay," Erwin managed to sound commanding yet kind at the same time. It was a confusing combination. 

"I'm fine, I promise," Eren fibbed. He tried to add a grin along with it, but even he couldn't kid himself that it looked real. 

"I think you still need a minute,"

"The longer we spend here the more uneasy I'm going to get,"

"Fine. But if I think you're not alright we are stopping _immediately_ ,"

"Sure, whatever you say,"

It was only on the way back to the car that Eren noticed the bulky coat resting on his shoulders. Erwin was too much of a gentleman. He drew it tighter around himself, suppressing a shiver. It smelled of talcum powder and Old Spice, a fitting image for someone like him. It didn't smell as good as Levi's jacket did though. Although, to be fair nothing smelled as good as Levi. Just the thought of the exotic coconut aroma was enough to make Eren swoon.

When the pocket of the heavy material buzzed, Eren jumped. With a light hearted chuckle that didn't fit the mood, the older male reached into the pocket and took out his flashy phone.  _Fucking iPhones. Of course he'd have one. Pretentious bastard._ The manic squawk that was Hanji's voice could be clearly heard shrieking through his mobile. Whether it was good or bad news, Eren didn't know. 

Seeing relief spread across Erwin's face made Eren's chest feel instantly lighter. A few more words were exchanged before their short conversation ended. 

"Hanji's found him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short and I try to get a least 2,500 words in one chapter but you're getting another 2,000 one instead, Sorry, but I wasn't feeling the creative flow so to speak and I thought this was a good place to end so yeah. Next chapter will be longer I promise.


	18. The Painter's Garden

Rain glued Levi's normally perfect hair to his rosy face. Black clothes which were once gloriously dry stuck to his skin tight enough to choke him. His entire body was drenched making his sodden shoes squeak whenever he moved. Coldness wasn't a pleasant feeling for Levi and he wanted rid of it immediately. He raised a blue, trembling fist and rapped it impatiently on the door.

 "Oh! I didn't expect to see you here, Levi," Petra greeted from the dry warmth of her home.

"Shit happens," he shrugged and stepped inside, careful not to soak the fluffy carpet. Petra scurried into the kitchen and returned with newspaper for Levi to dump his shoes on.

"I'm just going to get you a towel," Petra hummed whilst Levi busied himself undoing his intricate row of laces. Getting the military boots off was tricky, but after a couple firm yanks he managed to peel them off. He shed his soggy jacket and several of his dark layers, apart from his long-sleeved t-shirt he wore under all of his clothes. Petra knew about the scars but that didn't mean that Levi was comfortable bearing them. 

"Here you go," Petra offered the feathery fabric to him and he took his gracefully. With it, he viciously rubbed his hair and face dry. The towel was soaked within minutes, "The weather really is awful out there today, huh?"

"It's England," Levi replied shortly, not bothering with any sarcastic remarks. He gave the towel back to Petra with a grateful nod. 

"May I ask if there's any particular reason you've decided to drop on by? Normally you give warning beforehand," Petra queried as they walked into the kitchen together. She hopped towards the kettle and switched it on. She didn't have to ask Levi what brand of tea he wanted. There was only one kind of tea Levi would drink when he was stressed, and that was lavender. Something about the floral scent calmed him better than anything else ever could. 

Soon the kitchen was engulfed in the perfume of exotic tea. The scent soothed Levi's frazzled nerves and helped him melt in his seat. His hands ached to feel the hot, smooth surface of a teacup. Steam from the cup promptly placed in front of him stroked his face like the tail of a kitten. 

"I needed to escape for a bit," Levi answered, fixing his gaze onto his drink. He knew she wanted more of an explanation, but he also knew she wouldn't push it. Petra was considerate like that. 

"There's no point in me saying that you can tell me anything; is there?" Petra grimaced whilst sipping delicately at her honey tea. She brushed her hair back behind her tiny ear nervously. 

"No, there isn't," Levi agreed. He cursed himself for making the whole situation uncomfortable. The tension was layered on thick in the air, smothering them both with awkwardness. They were both silent; the only sound was the clinking of teacups being placed against saucers. 

"It's Eren, isn't it?" Petra sighed and gathered enough courage to look in Levi's eyes. He didn't return her gaze.

"Yeah, something like that," Levi answered with a slight blush. Her eyes widened in realization at the action, making Levi audibly cuss. 

"You really do like him," Petra gasped more to herself than anyone else. 

"Have I been the only one who hasn't realized this?!" Levi snapped. His answer was in the sheepish smile he received, "Fuck,"

"There's nothing wrong with having feelings for someone, Levi. If you ask me, I'm pretty certain they're returned,"

"I know,"

"Did he confess?!"

"...Yes...Sort of-I don't know. We were both pretty drunk so I don't know if it counts. I kind of rejected him though,"

"If you don't think you're emotionally capable enough you were right to. Your mental health _always_ comes before your love life,"

Silence. 

"Marshall gets out tomorrow,"

"Oh god, Levi,"

"It's just...I can't handle the thought of him no longer caring. It's total fucking bullshit that it's been fourteen years and I still haven't fucking gotten over him. Eren deserves more than someone who's still pining over someone else,"

"You can love more than one person at the same time in different ways. Marshall was a massive part of your childhood, you can't forget that. You can love them both at the same time,"

"But I don't fucking want to! I don't want to like Eren as much I don't want to love Marshall anymore. Eren can do so much better,"

"He thinks the same about you too,"

"That doesn't make any sense,"

"Love never does,"

They were silent. Levi drank wordlessly as he let Petra's words sink in. She was right, yet she wasn't at the same time. The whole situation was needlessly confusing and it irritated him. 

"He's going to run if I tell him,"

"If he does then it's better that he leaves. If Eren can't handle your baggage he deserves to go. You don't need someone who would do something like that," 

"Doesn't mean I wouldn't still want him,"

"It would hurt, but it would be for the best,"

"That would mean a lot more if you weren't the one in a happy relationship,"

"Yeah, it would, wouldn't it?"

Petra was interrupted by the shrill shriek of her phone. She answered it and her eyes widened as Hanji babbled loudly on the other end. 

"Hanji, calm down. Levi's here and he's fine," Petra said, "I doubt he's going to talk to Eren though. Yes, yes, I love you too. Bye,"

"What's going on?" 

"Erwin and Eren are looking for you, as well as Hanji," 

"Those shitty brats," 

"They're worried. I think you should talk to Eren,"

"I don't want to," 

"Whenever has life been about what you want, Levi?" 

"It would be a lot easier if it was," 

                                                            ----------------------------------

Eren knocked the door so hard it could have been knocked over. Erwin had tried to restrain him by holding his arm back, but Eren simply used his left instead. The door was opened by Petra within seconds. She looked oddly calm considering everything that had happened. Fury rose within Eren at her peaceful expression. Why was she so care-free? Did she not know how long they had spent trying to find Levi? 

"He's inside," Petra tilted her head towards the living room.

Not bothering with any polite greetings, Eren stormed towards Levi. His face was boiling with anger.

"Where the fuck where you!?" Eren yelled, steam shooting out of his ears. 

"Why do you care?" Levi retorted defensively.

"Because I was fucking terrified! Anything could have happened to you, Levi!"

"This conversation sounds familiar"

"Don't you dare change the subject,"

"Eren, I went missing for what? An hour? And I was here the entire time! You went to a fucking abuser's house before where you could have gotten legitimately killed!"

"This isn't a fucking competition! I know you want to ignore it, but I really fucking like you and the thought of anything happening to you is horrifying!"

"But why?! Why do you like me?!"

"Fuck if I know! You're rude, you're sarcastic, you're bitter-"

"And you're irresponsible, aggressive and you never think about your actions before you do them! Yet despite all of that, you still make me feel these fucking disgusting fluffy feelings and I still think you're fucking gorgeous,"

"Levi-"

"No! Shut up, for once let someone else speak. I haven't wanted anyone like this in years and it's bloody terrifying! You're expecting me to put fourteen years of fucking misery behind me like it's nothing. You view me so highly but I don't deserve that, Eren. I don't want to shatter this desirable illusion you have of me,"

"You won't,"

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I am,"

"That's not very convincing,"

"It's all I've got,"

"You need to step up your game then,"

"You asked for it,"

The distance between them becomes non-existent. Levi despises how good Eren's lips feel against his. They're impossibly soft and scoldingly warm, making his stomach turn in the best of ways. Firm hands tangle in his hair, and he welcomes the moan that accidentally slips when they pull.

"Whilst we are glad you seem to be getting so well together, let's keep this PG," Erwin chortled from the doorway. They both snap apart, faces ruby-red. 

"I've got painting to do," Levi mumbles whilst making his way towards the front door. 

"Uh, yeah. Me too," Eren laughs shakily.

"Of course. I must let you two get along," Petra smiles as sweet as syrup. 

"This doesn't sort everything," Levi murmurs dangerously low once they're outside. 

                                                                   ----------------------------

Dark scenery blurs past them on the train journey towards Levi's house. The blue train seats are now damp from the drenched passengers sitting on them. Their carriage is empty like the conversation around them. Well, until Eren shattered it. 

"So...Are we dating or what?" Eren asks with his hands anxiously fiddling with his jeans. Self-doubt wasn't an expression Levi was used to seeing on Eren. 

"Listen, Eren; if we're going to do this, we're going to go slow. You're going to have to put up with my insomnia; my mental health, my fucked up past, everything. If you don't think you can handle that then there's no point of you staying around,"

"I already knew that, Levi. I like you regardless and because of your flaws,"

"Also no sex,"

"Do you really think that matters to me?"

"It might have,"

"Levi, I don't want to be with you just because I want to fuck you. Although I wouldn't mind,"

"You're going to be disappointed then,"

"Whatever reason why you don't want to, I don't mind. If you don't want to screw, then we won't,"

"Good."

                                                                            

Work later that night was hell. Guilt mercilessly stabbed him at every fake moan Eren released. Levi had said he didn't care as long as it didn't mean anything, but Eren didn't see it like that. He was essentially cheating on Levi, and worse, he knew about it. It made him feel so sick he literally threw up once his shift was over. 

"Are you okay, Eren?" Marco queried when Eren trudged to the desk, wiping his mouth with thin toilet paper, "You look ill,"

"I think I got a cold," Eren fibbed, avoiding Marco's gaze, knowing how his eyes always reflected his lies. 

"Make sure to take care of yourself," Marco winced as he passed his wage. 

"I will," Eren forced a smile. He shoved the notes into the pockets of his too-tight jeans. Blood pooled around his lips from where he tried to bite back his cries. A tangy metallic taste filled his mouth when he swiped the scarlet liquid away with his tongue. Levi may be "fine" with what Eren was doing, but he wasn't. 

The tears slipped out once he stepped outside of the ancient brothel. He felt disgusting. 

"Oi, brat. What's wrong?" Levi demanded as Eren let himself into the car. 

"I want to quit,"

"What happened?"

"I don't like doing this when I'm with you; it makes the whole thing feel even more wrong. I feel like a filthy slut,"

"Slut is just a word to shame people for liking sex; it shouldn't be used as an insult, Eren,"

"But that's not the point, Levi! I don't want to do this anymore but I don't have anything else!"

"I'll support you regardless of whether you quit or not. But if this makes you upset I don't advise continuing it,"

"I don't know what I'm going to do! I still owe you so much,"

"You don't owe me anything,"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. I still need to get an apartment,"

"We'll figure something out,"

Eren spends the rest of the journey with resting his head on Levi's shoulder, feeling his breath breeze through his hair. It's strangely calming. 

                                                                       ----------------------

Today was it. Today was the day that ended the torturous week of not being around her anymore. Today Karin would be getting out. Finally she would be rid of the hell around her. At least that was what was supposed to happen.

When they reached the desk the receptionist greeted them with the wonderful news of Karin's extended sentence. It seemed they thought it would be better for them to know before visiting. It saved Karin the tough job of breaking the news herself. Upon hearing the new infomation, Eren tried and successfully suppressed the urge to stuff the snooty receptionists glasses down her throat. Luckily, Nathan managed to steer him away up to the stairs to Karin's room. 

Eren didn't know if it was possible for someone to look even guiltier. Karin fidgeted nervously with her gaze glued to the floor. Even when Nathan sat down besides her to wrap his arms around her she didn't move. If it wasn't awkward enough already, the therapist standing in the corner pretending not to notice them definitely didn't help. Eren wanted to shove him out the window, but unfortunately the windows could only open about an inch. Probably a good idea if you're put in for a suicide attempt. 

"What happened?" Nathan asked softly. Using the hairbrush carelessly cast aside, Nathan gently brushed the ends of Karin's messy ponytail. No effort had been put into her appearance. Her usual make-up wasn't apparent for once, bearing her shadowy eyes and angry acne scars. The hollows of her cheekbones showcased her startling weight loss. She couldn't have looked worse if she tried.

"Relapse," Karin answered blankly, her voice as dead as the wilting plant on her bedside table. She tugged the sleeve hiding her wrist to reveal an ivory bandage laced there with a strained grimace. Eren's heart hammered at the sight. He would _not_ have a panic attack. Not now.

"Oh Karin," Nathan grit his teeth, wiping angrily at the tears spilling from his eyes. 

"I'll be back for Christmas; I promise," Karin stated firmly. Her eyes held no trace of hesitation. She was absolutely certain that she would be able to. Eren admired her determination, despite the situation. 

"You better," Eren replied, choking back sobs, "Don't let this place ruin you,"

"Don't plan on it," Karin whispered. She raised her head to stare directly into Eren's eyes.  

There wasn't any place for words as Eren tangled his arms around her shoulders. Later they would have to talk, but for now silence was okay. If they got into how Karin got those bandages it would only end in fighting. Karin didn't need any added stress. Even Eren could see that. The quiet wasn't uncomfortable at all. It was more calming than anything. 

Karin tucked them under the crisp covers and held them close to her chest. She didn't care if she made the therapist feel awkward. She'd had enough awkward questions this week. Think of it as payback. Nathan and Eren curled like cats against her, their limbs became a tangled mess within minutes. A strong sense of motherly love struck her. They didn't share blood, but they were her children. She had to start caring for herself, for them. Karin missed being selfish, but she had to convince herself it was for the best. 

"I'm sorry," Karin buried her face into Nathan's spirals of hair. 

"We know."

                                                                   --------------------

"How was it?" Levi asked as Eren stepped into his room. He was sat neatly on the bed doing his anatomy practice which he should have done months ago. The pencil dropped upon looking at his now boyfriend's distressed face. 

He didn't get an answer. Instead he got Eren attacking him into a bone-crushing hug. Affection was something he had survived a long time without and the feeling was foreign. With a heavy sigh, Levi told himself he'd had to get used to intimacy. It made him feel uneasy but made something bloom in his chest. Holding Eren felt too right and too wrong at the same time. 

"Sorry," Eren apologized whilst crawling out of his lap, "I'm making you uncomfortable, aren't I?"

"No, it's fine. You can stay," Levi answered, missing the warmth of Eren in his arms already. 

"Karin's not coming home," Eren said, running a hand through his hair in agitation, "I just really fucking miss her,"

What could Levi say? He was shit with comforting people and here Eren was close to tears. 

"I know," Levi sighed, holding Eren's head in the crook of his neck. He fought the blush threatening to take over his face at the humid breath brushing against his sensitive skin. Eren tried to be subtle about inhaling Levi's intoxicating scent. The fragrance made his head spin like a multi-coloured pinwheel. "Karin's going to okay, maybe not good, but she'll be fine. She's strong."

"I know," Eren rolled in his eyes, but not in a way that was meant to be mean, "Can we just...cuddle for a bit," he cringed at his embarrassing words, but Levi nodded regardless.

They slipped under the covers and Eren tried not to blush at the connotations of it. He was alone with Levi in his house, in his bed, against his solid chest. _Innocent thoughts, innocent thoughts._ They didn't even have to worry about Nathan barging in accidentally since he was at Lia's. The thought was both settling and not at the same time. But he didn't want to rush into things with Levi. Yeah, he liked the thought of spreading Levi's legs or vice versa, but he liked curling up against him even more.

"I'm not going to work tonight," Eren mumbled against Levi's collarbone. He felt a rush of satisfaction when Levi shivered. He didn't give Eren a reply, only a quiet hum.

Despite that it was only four in the afternoon, they fell asleep, their legs as tangled as the twigs of a bramble bush. For the first time in years, Eren feels safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an actual excuse for a late update this time. This chapter was nearly finished but then I got horrific food poisoning with constant vomiting and liquid diarrhea whilst on my period so obviously I felt like dying and couldn't write. This chapter was going to be early but I was busy so yeah... Anyway I'll try to get another update in as an apology but I don't promise anything. Thanks for reading.


	19. The Garden of Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was late, depression was a bitch and I wasn't feeling it but I got there eventually!

Waking up next to Eren is the best way ever to wake up, Levi decided the next morning. Even if the shitty brat's hair was smothering his face, and he could already smell his morning breath, it couldn't have been any more perfect. For once, Eren's face wasn't creased in irritation or anger, and he looks strangely angelic asleep, as vomit-inducing as that sounds. But since they're dating now, Levi's supposed to be allowed to say mushy crap like that. Isn't he?

"Mhm...Levi, are you awake?" Eren mumbled, voice thick with grogginess. Sleep was smeared in the corners of his child-like eyes.

"Just woke up," Levi swiftly lied. He'd been up since four. In his defence he had managed to get a decent total of five hours of sleep between periods of being awake. It seemed to have paid off since Levi didn't feel like death when the day was still young. It was a strange feeling, but certainly not unpleasant.

One the other hand, Eren couldn't have slept harder if he were dead, and made sure to snore like an elephant the entire night, just to remind Levi that he  _was_  in fact asleep. Although Levi didn't hate his snoring as much as he would have liked to. It was oddly endearing, and now Levi knew he was being sappy as shit.

"Good morning," Eren beamed in a way that made Levi's heartbeat stutter. He leaned forward but was interrupted by Levi's slender finger prodding harshly against his lips.

"Your disgusting mouth isn't coming anywhere near mine until you have brushed your teeth," Levi shuddered at the thought of the millions of bacteria swimming around in his mouth. Eren hadn't even brushed his teeth before bed! It was all so unbearably disgusting Levi could vomit.

"Aye, aye, Captain!" Eren smirked and giggled like a child who had just gotten away with something he shouldn't have. Bouncing out of bed with a glee that was far too unnatural this early in the morning, Eren skipped towards the bathroom. Levi let out a short laugh in spite of himself. The sheets were still warm from Eren's hellish body heat. That kid was like a human radiator.

Quicker than Nathan could run towards a Disney store, Eren jumped back into bed and landed a wet kiss onto Levis mouth. The shorter man's hands daringly crept towards Eren's hipbones, and squeezed the flesh there tentatively. The flush on Eren's face was definitely worth his previous hesitation.

"Someone's being stealing my toothpaste," Levi accused with a tiny chuckle. He wiped the remaining toothpaste crusted around his mouth with a grimace he made no effort to conceal. 

"Mhm, it reminds me of your taste," Eren purred, and curled into Levi's neck.

"I don't think a sentence has ever made me so soft in my entire life," Levi scowled.

"Aw, don't be so sour, Levi!" Eren cackled. "You find me cute really,"

"Like fuck I do," Levi scoffed, and pushed Eren away in favour of getting out of the sheets.

 "You can kid yourself all you want, but I know I'm adorable," Eren sniggered.

"Hm," Levi offhandedly hummed, exiting the room and heading towards the shower. 

"Room for one more?" Eren teased daringly. Leaning casually against the doorway, Eren's eyes flashed changelingly at him. 

"Fuck off," Levi shot down his attempts with a harsh slam of the door. He turned on the shower to drown out the sound of his boyfriend's obnoxious laughter. Sighing, he stepped underneath the steamy rain of water. Droplets of scolding water ran down the curves of his short build. Grabbing his expensive shampoo, Levi viciously rubbed at his scalp.

 Whilst Levi was taking his sweet time in the bathroom, Eren went to the efforts of trying to make the bed. After several minutes of tackling the sheets, the bed was made. Clumsily, but still made. Hopefully Levi would appreciate it. If not his grovelling efforts would have been wasted. At least he tried. That's what mattered, right?

"Are you literally so inept that you can't even make a bed properly?" Levi asked as he strolled into the room. His hair was still damp, and beads of water cascaded down his neck, making Eren audibly gulp. Only a thin, navy-blue dressing gown shielded Levi's toned body from Eren's wandering eyes. "Stop that."

"Sorry," Eren mumbled, averting his gaze. 

"Fuck off whilst I get dressed," Levi ordered. With great disappointment, Eren left him be. After gathering his stuffed bag from the living room, Eren quickly got changed in the bathroom. It was far more spacious than the bathroom in his own apartment, meaning it wasn't a struggle to stretch into his clothes. Thinking of his former home made his gut feel sour. 

As for what to do with it, Eren didn't know. He was convinced without a doubt that Alexander wouldn't come back, but Nathan wasn't. And Karin would certainly side with Nathan once she hears what happened as well. That's two against one. It wasn't like Levi had any objections towards them staying. In fact, he welcomed letting Eren stay. It's like they skipped the dating phase of their relationship and sped forward to the part where they're living together forever. Eren didn't hate it; but that wasn't the point.

They had worked hard to get that apartment; they didn't spend all that time for it to get taken away. Eren missed the apartment, and he was pretty sure that Nathan did as well. Even if he didn't act like it. He missed how the apartment would feel like the arctic in the wintry months. He missed the beat-up couch which was far more comfortable than any overpriced leather one could ever be. He missed seeing how high they could jump on Karin's mattress until it broke. His heart ached for it all to be his again. 

"Are you okay?" The door swung open and Levi stepped in cautiously. Eren didn't realize he had frozen. He had paused whilst pulling on his jogging bottoms, leaving his thighs bare. Levi's eyes flicked across the bared flesh quicker than a blink of an eye before scoffing. Although it was a very flustered scoff. "It's a bit early to already be having an existential crisis,"

"Shut up, Levi," Eren rolled his eyes without any venom. "I was just thinking,"

"That's shocking," Levi muttered. "What about?" He moved forward to grasp his hand, but let Eren finish getting changed first. The situation would have become awkward otherwise. Pep talks weren't as effective if you were basically naked.

"The house. Alexander. Everything,"

"You're safe now,"

"I know, and I believe you,"

 "Come on, breakfast's in the oven."

                                                            ------------------------

Swallowing nervously, Eren swung open the car door and gave Levi one last look. The car was so invitingly warm and the air outside was so bitterly cold, only giving Eren another reason to get back in. He wrapped his thick scarf tighter around his neck decorated with goosebumps. Levi stared at him reassuringly, added with a subtle nod. 

The moment Eren stepped into the building, a dash of light sped past him and pinned him against the wall. And no, not in a sexy way. His wrists banged against the crumbling wall of the brothel by the tight grip of his Boss.

"Where the fuck where you yesterday?!" He yelled, spit springing out from his dry lips.

"Get the fuck off!" Eren shrieked, eyes blazing and eyebrows furrowed deep enough to give him permanent wrinkles. Jaw clenched, he thrashed out of his grip. It was easier than he thought it would be to break free. "Where I was doesn't matter. I quit."

His Boss was silent. He said nothing, utterly frozen.

"What the fuck do you mean you quit?! No! No! No! You don't get to quit; you're our most requested customer! You must be drunk or delirious to think you want to quit!" He yelled with clenched fists.

"You don't get it! I don't want to work here anymore! I'm moving on with my life now; I can't stay here forever!" Eren protested.

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yes, I do! I'm leaving and never coming back!"

"YOU'RE NOT LEAVING!"

The roar was so loud it shook the building. A trembling fist dented the wallpaper only milimeters away from Eren's head. A tornado of fury resided in his eyes, spelling out murderous intent. Eren's heartbeat haltered.

"I'm leaving, _Gavin!_ For good this time," Eren spat.

"No!" Gavin declared, and ruthlessly shoved Eren onto the ground. He tumbled down like a sack of potatoes, smashing his head against the floor. Hard. 

"Oh my god! Sir, get off of him!" Marco cried as he rushed towards them. With shaky arms, he pushed Gavin away from the both of them, eyes glistening. Marco wasn't the only one watching. A medium sized crowd gathered, some of  who Eren knew, but mostly people he didn't.  

"Get off me!" Gavin bellowed like a strangled ogre. "He's not leaving this building!"

"That's not for you to decide!" Eren fumed.

Taking advantage of not being held down, he sprinted towards the door, ready to jump back into the car. In the distance he could see Levi waiting impatiently in the car. Their eyes connected for just a second, and Levi was already storming out of the car. The doors had just about swung open before Eren was yanked backwards. Gavin didn't get another chance to raise his hand. 

Quicker than should be possible by any human being, Levi darted inside and had James on the floor. He held Gavin's arms high above his head with a chunky boot pressed against his spine with enough force to shatter it. Gavin only coughed out a choked whine, unable to form words. 

"If you want to keep these shitty matchstick arms of yours, don't you ever fucking dare touch him again," Levi warned with a voice that sounded like he had swallowed gravel. It was dangerously low, a pitch that shook Eren to his core. He felt as if he was the one who was being threatened, not defended.

Levi tugged on Gavin's arms so hard Eren thought they were going to snap out of their sockets. The victim howled in agony, and stayed on the floor, even after Levi had released his hold. No one moved to help him. With a clenched jaw, Levi lead Eren back into the car in a rush. He wasn't subtle about his fury with the way he slammed the door either. They'd probably have to get repairs for the now splintered frame. 

"Levi, calm down," Eren disciplined.

"Why should I, Eren?! People can't think they're allowed to treat you like that!" Levi lashed out. 

"It's over now, let's just leave," Eren sighed, uncomfortable at how caring Levi was being. Levi bit his bottom lip, and ran a hand through his hair in irritation. 

"Fine, but I don't regret what I did," Levi hissed through gritted teeth. 

"I didn't expect you to,"

                                                                 ----------------------

Just before Eren was about to finally go to sleep, he texted Nathan goodnight. The other male had decided to stay at Lia's and Angela's whilst they sorted out house arrangements. Eren missed him, but when he added a sneaky winky face at the end of his text implying the inappropriate things he'd be doing to Levi now he was gone, the feeling was gone quick. Typical. Eren made a mental note to soon tell Nathan and Karin about his new relationship. 

But those careless thoughts of his roommate evaporated when Levi began to toss next to him. The sheets twisted around him as he wildly thrashed. His chest convulsed whilst his breaths caught in his throat. Alarmed, Eren shook him awake. Levi's eyes flew open and shook in a terror Eren had never seen before. The uncensored fear in the silver eyes he'd grown to adore terrified him. Levi's eyes flickered throughout the room before settling on Eren. 

"I'm f-fine," Levi gasped. "I'm fine, go back to sleep,"

"You're clearly not! What's wrong?!" Eren exclaimed without meaning to raise his volume. Levi winced, not replying, only shaking his head. "Levi, what's wrong?"

"I'm not talking about it!" Levi replied fiercely, voice soaked with venom. "Just...please, go back to sleep."

"I'm not ignoring this, Levi! You're obviously upset!" Eren declared.

"Fuck off!" Levi shouted. "Look, I'm sorry. Can we just go back to sleep,"

"Levi..." Eren replied, hoping he didn't sound as hurt as he felt.  

They didn't sleep side by side that night.

 

The same thing happened two weeks later. Their relationship had been slightly strained since that night. The stress of finding a new job, visiting Karin on a weekly basis, and keeping in touch with Nathan was hellish. Levi's nightmares had been getting worse, and he would avoid sleep most nights just to avoid them. Eren was low on hints as to what was causing them, his only one being 'he's back,' which was unintentionally whispered one night. It was a short statement that gave away too much and too little at the same time. He could only imagine what 'he's back' meant. 

When Eren had tried to ask if he had been abused (as sensitively as possible of course,) Levi had furiously denied, and they ended up fighting until the early hours of the day. Fights had unfortunately become far more common. Eren wanted to help, yet Levi refused. This always ended with them hating the other and themselves because of it. Sometimes they didn't sleep in the same bed because of it. The couch was starting to hurt Eren's back. 

It was the clattering in the bathroom that forced Eren awake. He was especially exhausted due to a shouting match that only occurred a few hours before. It was still too early to justify being awake, but it didn't seem like he was the only one up. The hallway light peeked in through the living room door which wasn't fully shut.

As carefully and quietly as he could, Eren tiptoed out of the room and up the stairs to the bathroom. The stairs creaked underneath his weight, but Eren wasn't caught. Taking two steps at a time, he gradually made his way upwards. The blinding light from the bathroom hurt Eren's sleepy eyes. When he opened the door the sight he was met with was...well, weird. 

The packaging of a cheap box razor blades with the label still on was cast aside on the floor, as well as several bottles of soap and shampoo. The patter of shower water could be heard against the bathtub where Levi sat perched on the edge. He was bare, expect from the plain black boxers stretched over his hips. Shaving foam coated nearly his entire body, from his arms to his legs to even his entire torso. Eren was confused, but mostly irritated. This is what Levi woke him up for? His top secret of secretly being a twink?!  _Who the fuck shaves at three a.m!?_

"Levi...What the actual fuck?" Eren demanded with creased eyebrows. Levi jumped and dropped the razor drenched in foam on the floor. 

"Get out!" Levi roared, and repeated himself when Eren didn't move. 

"Seriously, Levi; what the fuck?!" Eren demanded.

"None of your fucking business. Fuck off!" 

"No! Levi, I don't care if you like to shave, you don't have to hide it from me! But this is a bit much, isn't it?!"

"It's not that! Fuck off and stop pretending to care!"

"What if I'm not pretending?!"

"Why wouldn't you be?! Don't you get it, Eren! I'm fucked up! I can't accept this puppy love you have for me!"

"Haven't we already been through this?! Stop trying to make out my feelings for you as rubbish, Levi, because frankly, it's insulting. You don't get to decide what I feel for you! I like you, and nothing's going to change that!"

"You still don't understand! I don't deserve you!"

"Why don't you? For once, Levi, tell me what's wrong!"

"I-I...Can't. I can't get the words out," 

Eren instantly sympathized with him. He was still pissed off and puzzled, but instantly felt sorry for Levi's pained expresison. He walked towards him and sat down close to him, leaning his back against the tub. 

"I'm listening," Eren said softly, interlocking his hand with Levi's 

Levi nodded, and tried to control his erratic breathing and shaky form. He gulped, and opened his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi's backstory next, yes! I've been waiting this entire story to write it and I've finally got there, I'm so happy. Hope it disturbs you as much as I want it to. You should be getting the next chapter either today or tomorrow :D


	20. Wave Dancers (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I actually kept my promise and gave a double update! I decided to split Levi's backstory into two seperate part as it would have gotten too long otherwise. Also please note the change in the tags if you're easily triggered!!

“You're going to behave for him whilst I'm gone, okay? None of this insolence you usually show to me. Marshall cost me a lot of money and I'm not allowing you to disrespect him. Am I clear?” His mother hissed whilst slipping into a dress that was a little too short to be appropriate for work.

Levi ignored his mothers words as he continued to draw.

“I said, am I clear?!” She was close enough for Levi to smell the stale nicotine on her breath. He shuddered at the repulsive scent. “For goodness sake, Levi! Your pens are scattered everywhere, just look at this mess! You are to tidy this up immediately!”

In silence, Levi collected the pens and ordered them neatly by his side.

“No, like this, Levi!” His mother grunted as if Levi was the most incompetent human being to exist. Whilst cramming his equipment away into his school bag, she knocked over the muddy water in the beaker, staining the immaculate carpet a sludgy brown. “Look what you've done now! Clean this immediately! I'm going to be late for work!”

Through gritted teeth, Levi snatched a cloth underneath the kitchen sink, and leaned on his tip toes to wet it. He ruthlessly scrubbed at the insulting stain on the carpet.

Once he heard the door slam, he shrieked in frustration. The picture he had spent all day on was now soaked from his paint water and ruined! The colours of the forest he had worked so hard on had all smudged together, making the drawing look like a muddy puddle. With trembling hands, he tore it apart and dumped the remaining scraps on the floor huffily.

Hot, frustrated tears threatened to spill from Levi's eyes. He wanted to scream again, but he was interrupted by a firm knock. Abandoning the mess on the floor, Levi stomped towards the front door and swung it open. A tall man stood at the door, with a leather satchel swung casually over his shoulder. He had glasses which reminded Levi of one of the singers his mother listened when she was depressed, and pale blue eyes the same colour as the river by their house in winter. His hair was long and a dark brunette, spilling over his shoulders and almost reaching his ribcage. Levi could clearly smell sandalwood and a hint of musk from him. He realized he liked the way the fragrance made his head feel dizzy.

“Who the hell are you?” Levi demanded with a poisonous glare. The man raised an eyebrow, but then chuckled. The man sounded happy when he laughed, not tense like his Mother did. It was a strange and foreign sound to Levi.

“Is your Mother at home? I'm Marshall and I'm supposed to be babysitting here,” The man politely requested.

“I don't need a babysitter,” Levi declared hotly, “And no, my Mum isn't in,”

“Is your mother Jenny Rivaille by any chance?”

“It's Jennifer; she doesn't like it when people call her Jenny,”

“Ah, okay. Has she talked to you about me?”

“Yes, she said to behave around you,”

“That's good because I'm going to be looking after you from now on,”

“So you're Marshall?”

“Yes, and I'm assuming you're Levi,”

“I am.”

Levi openly scrutinised Marshall for a few moments before letting him in. Once he stepped inside Levi ordered to him to take off his shoes and threatened to throw him out if he got mud anywhere. Marshall only chortled in reply as he did as he was told.

“Oh dear, what's that?” Marshall tutted when he noticed the pile of mushy paper on the floor.

“What do you think?” Levi retorted.

“Why don't you put something on the T.V whilst I clean this up,” Marshall suggested with an inviting smile.

“The T.V hasn't worked for months, the satellite's busted,” Levi replied.

“Well, why don't you find something to busy yourself with whilst I clean?” Marshall said.

Levi's face turned sour in confusion. Why was this weird man offering to help? It was Levi's fault, why was he fixing it for him? _Adults are strange_ Levi decided as he ripped out a new page of his sketchbook and drew the forest all over again. He started tracing the outlines in pencil, using the thick trees through the window as his guideline. It was blindingly bright outside, yet still icy. Levi hoped his Mother froze in her dress. Her skinny legs would turn to ice and he'd be able to snap them in half.

“That drawing is lovely,” Marshall complimented as he rinsed out the cleaning cloth by the sink. Levi raised an eyebrow in suspicion at his remark, but Marshall didn't falter. “I mean it; you're very advanced for your age.”

Levi doesn't know whether to say thank you or not. He wasn't used to people praising his work, let alone acknowledging it. Levi hummed in reply, not trusting himself to say something that wouldn't be cringe-worthy.

“You're quiet, aren't you?” Marshall lazily grinned.

“What gave it away,” Levi retorted sarcastically, voice as dead as the autumn leaves falling like rain outside.

“Sassy too it seems,” Marshall smirked, and ruffled Levi's hair. It was something he'd imagine his father would do if he had one. But Levi wasn't bitter. If his father was worth it he would have been here. Shame his mother couldn't adopt his way of thinking. She'd be happier if she did. At least that's how Levi saw it. “Are you hungry?”

“What are you making?”

“What do we have?”

“Eggs, milk, and maybe flour,”

“I don't suppose you like pizza do you?”

“I can stomach it if I have to,”

“Do you have a coat?”

“No, why?”

“Because we're going out to eat,”

                                                                                ---------------------

Levi was currently sat opposite Marshall in an obnoxiously bright cafe fuming with the scent of sickly sugar and honey. The colours were so bright they hurt Levi's eyes. Everything seemed to be either covered in red polka dots or shiny bows. Friendly chatter echoed around them from large families and teenagers enjoying their time off on a Saturday.

“This place is hideous,” Levi scoffed with a roll of his eyes.

“I'd say that's an opinion, not a fact,” Marshall laughed softly.

“No, pretty sure it's a fact,” Levi replied, and poked the pancakes laid out in front on them with his fork. He wouldn't admit it, but they tasted delicious, especially with the syrup which was just the right amount of sweetness. It would have been paired with a large bitter coffee if Marshall hadn't laughed it off when Levi had requested it. Secretly he was glad that Marshall ordered a hot chocolate instead as coffee was disgusting. He had just wanted to impress him. Levi liked the way Marshall didn't talk to him like a child and he wanted it to stay like that.

Marshall asked him questions about school, and when Levi refused to answer any of them he quickly moved onto his art, something they found far easier to discuss. It turned out Marshall had a son that enjoyed art, and that he too enjoyed the subject. Levi asked why he wasn't with his son today but the only answer he got was 'certain complications.' Levi was curious, but knew not to ask any further questions from the last time he had asked about his father.

Levi didn't like people, but Marshall could be an exception. He wasn't patronizing like the other adults, or obnoxious like the other children in his class. It was with this thought that Levi realized this was the first time he had actually liked someone. A human being didn't make him want to gouge his eyes out for once. It was strange, yet somewhat fascinating.

Their outing was over far too quickly, and they were back home depressingly early. It had been the first time in months he'd been outside excluding school, and it felt...nice. It was nice to get a reply when he spoke. Although, Levi had to admit this was partly his fault since he purposely never talked with his mother, deciding it far more satisfactory to irritate her with his silence instead. But that aside, Levi realized that maybe he didn't hate humans as much as he thought.

They spend the rest of the day painting together. Marshall would give Levi advice that was actually useful, and didn't insult him, but instead helped. Watching his babysitter paint entranced Levi. One day, Levi promised to himself, he'd be as good as Marshall was. No, he'd be even better. Aspiration and admiration were also new feelings Levi was learning today.

 

Levi was surprised at how upset he felt when Marshall had to leave. Unfortunately, there hadn't been any traffic and his mother was actually home early for once. Jennifer handed Marshall his wage as he slipped on his heavy biker boots which Levi wanted when he was older. He accepted the cash with a dazzling smile, and turned to Levi before leaving.

“Well, I know we didn't do much, but I hope you had fun today,” Marshall chuckled, pushing his glasses back up his nose as he leaned down to his height. Funnily enough, it didn't feel condescending when it was Marshall who did it.

Levi doesn't say anything, only hugging him tightly before he left. He tried to make his arms reach around to his back, but they were still to short, making Marshall laugh. Levi liked making Marshall laugh; it made his chest feel light and funny.

“See ya kid,” he grinned whilst opening the door.

“Bye, Marshall,” Levi waved, and ignored his Mother's gasp at seeing him talk. He watched Marshall walk towards his car, and carried on gazing until he couldn't see the automobile anymore.

“Well, I'm glad you like him,” Jennifer spat bitterly in a way that said she was anything but 'glad.' She yanked Levi upstairs to his room where she quickly helped him change into his pajammas. They didn't exchange a single word, and the light went off the instant she left the room. Levi quickly flicked on the night-light he had from when he was a toddler. It was mortifying to admit, but he was still terrified of the dark. When Levi had asked for his night-light back, his mother had told him he was too old for one, and that it was a waste of electricity. But Levi had his way of finding things. Even if they were on the top shelf.

Levi woke up early the next morning as he always did. Sunday was his mother's day off, meaning she'd tragically be at home all day, but at least he wouldn't have to see her until noon. Unless he accidentally woke her up or something along those lines. Jennifer wasn't a pretty sight in the morning, even after her usual mug of black as death coffee.

Strolling into the kitchen, Levi dragged a kitchen chair in place so he could reach for a box of cereal. He was careful handling his china bowl, knowing he'd get shouted at if he dropped it. Pouring the milk was difficult, but Levi managed. Even if he did use too much, meaning his cornflakes had a large pool to swim in. He ate quickly, not wanting to waste potential time he could use for drawing. How else was he going to get as good as Marshall?

Levi collected the morning newspaper which was never read and sprawled it out across the kitchen table. Carefully, he filled an old beaker with water from the sink whilst on his tip-toes. He had received his watercolour paints from his teacher as a present. She had said she saw potential in him (a word Levi had to look up to understand) and since her own children didn't like the set, she instead gave them to Levi. This made Mrs Adams acceptable in his eyes, even if she did treat him like a child.

What was he going to paint? He didn't want to paint the forest outside his house again, he'd done that enough times already. Shutting his eyes, Levi let his mind wonder. Memories of the beach he'd visited with his mother on one of her better days came to him. He could remember the taste of saltwater of his tongue, the sound of the waves crashing against the golden sand. He remembered his mother's rare smile, a smile that despite everything, Levi found beautiful.

With his inspiration found, Levi dampened his brush and began with the waves. Everything from the memory was included from the shrieking seagulls floating in the crystal sky, to the two girls kissing each other by the shore, making the crowd around them gasp in shock. Levi had asked his mother why people where staring at them, but she didn't answer. People were like that at his school as well. The children in his class had laughed at the men holding each other's hands passing the school, yet Levi was one the few who didn't. One particular kid had called them a word Levi had never heard before that he had probably learned from his father. Levi didn't understand what was funny. He suspected most of the kids only laughed because the others were.

“Mhm, morning, Levi,” his mother groaned at around one in the afternoon. Heavy bags rested under her bloodshot eyes, and an empty bottle which was formerly filled with a clear liquid was in her hand. She dumped the glass in the trash and stumbled towards the fridge. “Why didn't you tell me we had nothing to eat?!”

Levi didn't reply.

“I asked you a question, Levi!”

He still didn't answer.

“Jesus Christ, don't do this now, Levi! You can act like a teenager when you actually are one!”

Still no response.

“For fucks sake! Just say something to me! For once, Levi, talk!”

Levi winced at her piercing volume. He raised his eyes to his mother's distressed ones. She was loud at times, but never once had she shouted. Her words were harsh, but never desperate.

“When is Marshall coming back?”

Jennifer was speechless. Her son had known the man for just a day, and yet he already cared about him more than he ever did for her. It hurt. A lot. She ached to swallow the pain away with a nice bottle, or maybe seven, of vodka.

“I know I don't act like it, Levi, but I love you. I'm sorry I can't give you a father, or afford nice things for you, and that I'm a horrible mother and-”

“Stop,” Levi ordered. He stared at her calculatingly, before leaving his artwork on the table and walked towards his room. Once he had formed a barricade of books, toys and stools at his door, he screamed into his pillow until his vocal chords turned to shreds.

 

When Levi sees Marshall again, he's far happier than he expected he would be. It seems that Marshall was glad to see him as well as when he came to pick him up from school his face instantly lit up.

“How have you been, Levi?” Marshall greeted warmly.

“Terrible. I hate school,” Levi replied bitterly honest.

“Aw, that's horrible. But school's not that bad, Levi,” Marshall reassured.

“Yes, it is. I hate everyone there, they're all stupid,”

“Well you are very mature for your age,”

The comment makes Levi feel proud.

“Then why can't everyone else be?”

“Because everyone grows up differently,”

“I think they should hurry up. We're nearly eight for God's sake,”

Levi's face turns repulsively sour when Marshall laughs.

“You're hilarious sometimes, Levi,”

“How so?”

“You just are. You're very cute without meaning to be,”

Levi never imagined he'd like being called cute. But he definitely did feel a lot better about his tiresome day after Marshall had called him that. Dare he say his heart fluttered.

They walked home in a calming silence. It was nice that Marshall didn't force any words when they weren't needed, unlike the children at school. Everyone was constantly talking, yet people didn't realize how pleasant the silence really is sometimes. The quiet was underrated, and Levi wished more people appreciated it. Levi also appreciated the hand that joined his as they walked home.

 

Over the next few months with Marshall, Levi had grow increasingly fond of him. Just being around him made Levi happy, a feeling he was progressively getting used to. Laughing was something he enjoyed adjusting to, especially since it always resulted in Marshall doing the same. No lullaby or song could compare to his laugh. Levi was always happiest when Marshall was.

Levi had overheard girls nattering the same way about celebrities when he was trying to read. He thought they were just being irritating and superficial, but now he understood the way they felt. Levi knew he wasn't supposed to feeling these things for a man, and after a recent assembly, a man far older than him. The policemen had said that men like that were dangerous and had to be reported immediately.

But Marshall wasn't dangerous at all! Marshall cared about Levi, and never once had tried anything that he wasn't comfortable with. Levi realized that he might not even like him the way he wanted him to. It was a sour feeling that churned and twisted in his gut painfully.

Why didn't Marshall like him in that way? Wasn't he good enough? Did Marshall think he was weird like all the other kids did? Hot tears stung at his eyes at the thought. What if Marshall didn't really care? What if he was just doing his job?

“Levi, what's wrong?!” Marshall asked, alarm evident in his eyes.

“Do you care about me?” Levi blubbered, hating how childish he must look. How could Marshall take a baby like him seriously?

“Of course I do, Levi!” Marshal insisted, as if the thought of anything opposite insulted him.

“Really?” Levi asked through hysterical breaths.

“I wouldn't lie to you, Levi,” Marshall whispered, “You're very special to me.”

And his hand curled around Levi's thigh.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Hope it was disturbing enough


	21. Wave Dancers (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was late because my school decided it was a great idea to have all the exams on the last week meaning that I have to spend literally all my free time revising for a shitty grade. Also I am exhausted as it's 2 am but I had to finish this before I went on holiday where I will be surviving on cable internet. Pray for me.

It was Levi's thirteenth birthday.

As well as waking up with a half-arsed card with a ten pound note in, he also awoke with sticky sheets. Levi knew about puberty; he had had enough health classes and teasing from other students to know that eventually one day he'd hit it. But he had hoped that if he had ignored it for long enough, it wouldn't happen. Levi liked being having clear skin. He liked being short for his age. He liked looking youthful.

Because if Marshall realized he was growing older he wouldn't love him anymore. He wouldn't call him beautiful or pretty ever again if he caught sight of the dark hair spurting out on his body like an unwanted weed. The sight of his sheets wet with a clear substance would surely disgust him. All the other kids had been delighted at the thought of becoming an adult, but nothing petrified Levi more. It meant he'd no longer be pure. He'd be selfish and cruel and everything Marshall didn't like.

There was only an hour until Marshall was coming and he had to clean this up immediately. Stripping the bed entirely, Levi stumbled under the weight of his bedding towards the pantry. He dragged the rest of the laundry waiting to be done as an excuse for using the washing machine. Whilst the sheets were spinning in circles, Levi coated his legs with his mother's shaving foam. It stung against his still fresh wounds from the last time he had shaved. He winced at the sharp spike of pain, but ignored it in favour of hairless legs.

A loud knock at the door made Levi jump whilst he was still rinsing off his legs. With a panicked gasp, he turned off the tap and frantically dried off himself off before yanking his jeans back on. His jeans stuck to his skin where it was still damp. But that didn't matter when Levi opened the door to a beaming Marshall. In his hands lay a glimmering present wrapped in flashy red paper.

“You didn't have to get me anything,” Levi murmured, hiding his embarrassing blush with his hair.

“I wanted to,” Marshall chuckled, and brushed Levi's locks out of his face with a gleaming smile. “Besides, I'm not taking it back even if you hate it.”

“I doubt I would,” Levi rolled his eyes. “You know me too well to do that,”

“Is your Mother in?” Marshall asked with a low voice. A low voice Levi would much rather say far more exciting things instead of questioning him about his mother.

“She went about an hour ago,” Levi smirked, fully aware of every connotation within that devilish smile.

“Hm, I don't think she'd approve of what you may be implying,” Marshall grinned as he stepped inside. Levi took the present from him and placed it on the sofa. Every year he insisted he didn't have to get him a present, and every year Marshall did. “Go on, open it.”

Carefully, Levi peeled the package open and gasped.

“How did you even?”

“I saw you looking at them when he went into town.”

“Thank you. Seriously.”

“Anything for you.”

Setting aside the expensive, pristine acrylic paint set (brushes included,) Levi looped his arms around Marshall's neck, drawing him in closer. He swivelled his neck to rest on his shoulder, burying himself in the scent of pine. Marshall's leather jacket was soft against his red cheeks.

“I love you.”

Levi had said the words plenty of times, but it felt even more special this time. So what if Levi had no one? He had Marshall and no one could compare to him. Only Marshall loved him. No one else. It wasn't even upsetting to think about. He was truly content just having Marshall to himself.

“I love you more,” Marshall hushed, reminding Levi of his wonderful dream. Well, it was wonderful until Levi was overwhelmed by guilt. As long as he didn't mention anything to Marshall he'd be safe.

“Then show me how much you love me,” Levi dared, purposely making his breathing heavy. He widened his eyes and stared up at Marshall through his thick lashes. “After all, it  _is_  my birthday.”

“Mhm, I guess I'll have to give in to you. Just this once...”

*****

Sex with Marshall hurt. It took a mortifying amount of time before Levi could get over the pain, and even then it was more than uncomfortable. He felt like he had been a disappointment to Marshall, even after his never-ending praise once it was over. It wasn't nearly as lovely as he had imagined his first time would be like. Instead of passionate love making experience, he got a sharp pain in his back that would last weeks.

“What's wrong?” Marshall asked whilst stroking Levi's bare hip. Levi quickly brushed away his escaping tears. He didn't want to cry in front of Marshall. He'd think he was weak.

“Nothing,” Levi lied, and curled into his muscular chest to hide his face. He nibbled the skin there experimentally and was satisfied with the result. Marshall stopped asking questions. “This has been the best birthday ever.”

“I'm glad,”

The jingle of keys shifting in the lock of the front door interrupted them.

“Shit!” Marshall gasped, surprising Levi with his language. Frantically, they yanked their clothes back on, the footsteps pounding against the stairs a sweat-inducing countdown. Levi tensed, expecting the door to fly open any minute, but it didn't. Instead, the footsteps trailed past his door and into his mother's room. He exhaled a shaky breath. “That was close,”

“But we got away with it.”

“That's not the point. If anyone caught us...I've never be allowed to see you ever again.”

The thought pinched Levi's heart.

“That's why I'm not going to let anyone find out.”

“Good.”

Marshall rises and gives Levi a quick kiss before leaving the room to collect his wage. He can still feel Marshall against his lips, a thought that made him blush. Marshall returned quickly, and pulled Levi into a crushing hug.

“Thank you for being here on my birthday,” Levi sighed into his chest.

“Thirteen now,” Marshall's face scrunched up as if he had just sucked a lemon. “You're getting older everyday.”

Levi squirmed uncomfortably. He desperate for words to dissuade Marshall, but he couldn't find any. It was true. Horrifyingly, he  _was_  growing up. Levi bit back tears that threatened to shed. It was far too quick until he was left alone, with only Marshall's lingering scent left to keep him company.

Acid churned uneasily in his stomach. Levi felt like his body was crawling with hair, like a wild gorilla. He felt too lanky, too spotty, too  _old._ The walls were too tight around him, slowly crushing him until he turned to nothing but paste. His lungs were failing him, frantically pumping but still not allowing a single breath to pass his lips. He had to get out.

Not bothering trying to be quiet for his mother, Levi stormed into the bathroom and ransacked his Mother's make-up bag. Not caring to be gentle, he yanked out every fine hair marring his growingly defined jaw. It hurt, but Levi didn't mind the pain. In fact, he embraced it, relishing in the way it sizzled his blood. Splotches of red bloomed on Levi's chin from where his skin cried out in irritation. It stung in a way that Levi savoured in. The pain distracted him from the war of nausea raging within his stomach.

His clothes dropped to the floor. Scratches painted his hips and thighs which momentarily delighted Levi, but was swiftly overtaken by the disgust at an awful sprinkling of light hair on his chest. He wasn't good enough for him. Marshall should be disgusted by him; Levi was. The agony of his worthlessness tugged his chest like a weight hanging over his heart. The sting of the tweezers lessened the pull.

Skin now raw and red, it still wasn't enough. There weren't any distractions left and the pain of it all was unbearable. Levi didn't even known that emotional pain could physically hurt. He never knew the way you could feel it sink in your bones like wet cement, or the way it squeezed his throat, or the ache that resided in every inch of his body.

Not even the bitter tears that spill give him any release. It only makes his face look worse, making him cry even harder. How could Marshall ever call him beautiful? He was so hideous it hurt to look at him. His sharp features made him look like a serial killer. The purple bags under his eyes were no better than angry bruises. Why would Marshall lie and say his eyes were gorgeous? Because Marshall never lied. He wasn't like the other adults; he was truthful. Always.

“Levi, are you in there?” His mother inquired from outside the door.

Quickly, he clambered into his clothes and opened the door to avoid conversation. There were no evidence that he was in there, the room perfectly tidy.

“Can we talk?”

“No,”

And with that Levi sauntered back towards his room and shut the door. Jennifer didn't try to enter.

*****

School was boring, but that was nothing new. As usual, the teachers tried to get him to care, students made 'subtle' jabs at Levi's height, and homicide crossed his mind at least twice. He could be with Marshall, but instead he was figuring out the circumference of a fucking circle. Who decided this was important to Levi's education anyway? What was the point?

“Levi, what's so interesting outside of the window that means you're not listening to my lesson?” Mrs. Lott inquired with a raised eyebrow.

“I'm deeply sorry for not listening,” Levi replied, voice drenched in sarcasm. “But I can't see what's very intriguing about a fucking circle.”

“Well, I'm sure it will be very fascinating when you're unemployed because you were too busy whining rather than paying attention. I can explain the disadvantages of being homeless in detention for your disgusting language,” She retorted without missing a single beat. “If you don't like this class, you can just leave.”

He knew he she didn't mean it literally, but an opportunity was an opportunity. Levi rose from his seat, aware of the entire class' attention on him, and walked out. No one uttered a word until the door clicked shut. Through the closed door, piercing laughter rang out, quickly followed by the roar of a very pissed off teacher. It made pride bloom inside of him knowing that he was the cause of that anger.

The exit so clearly in sight tempted Levi. What was the point in staying any longer? No one wanted him here, and the house was empty. His thoughts trailed to Marshall at the realization that  _the house was empty._ Another reason to get out of this shit hole. Fueled by the promises of his mother not being home, Levi raced towards his house. Never in his life had he been so grateful he lived within walking distance.

Marshall's number was sprawled across a scrap of paper buried under Levi's mattress. Since he couldn't afford a mobile, he had to depend on their land-line. The number was hidden for obvious reasons.

“Who is this?” Marshall sounded uncharacteristically guarded. It's probably because he doesn't get calls very often.

“It's Levi,”

“Has something happened?”

“No, it hasn't. You don't have to sound so worried.”

“Shouldn't you be at school?”

“I bunked,”

“Levi, you don't want to become one of those drug addicts living off the street, wasting away their lives,”

“I won't,”

“Good. I'd hate for you to turn out like that,”

“That's not relevant. The house is empty,”

“Levi,” there was a sigh. “You know I'd love to, but I really can't right now,”

“Oh,”

“Yeah, I know I've disappointed you and I'd love to be there, but I've got things to do,”

“Things more important than me?”

“Nothing's more important than you are; I mean it, Levi. But this is really important,”

“Do I get to know what it is,”

“I'm sorry,”

“I hope you are,”

Call ended.

Levi was certain that whatever reason Marshall can't come over is legitimate, but he can't help but feel sour. He crossed his arms and audibly huffed. What was he going to do with all this free time? An idea quickly sprung to his mind, and he got everything he needed in place.

Within hours his room was piled with drying paintings. Vibrant hues exploded on the pages, each one describing their own vivid story. Since Levi was never any good with writing, he liked to think his art was his own way of that, just using shapes instead of words. He did far better in Art class than English anyway.

In fact, Art was the only class he was actually getting any grades above a C in. It was also the only class Levi did his homework for, and it wasn't even out of necessity. Art homework was genuinely enjoyable, even if it was just background research. Reading about the lives of artists inspired  _and_  interested Levi. He didn't have any friends in that class, but at least there were no arseholes like in his others. The whole class, including the teacher, didn't bother to force small talk onto him. Instead they all had a shared respect for him and appreciation of his talent.

Because let's face it, Levi was good. Actually no, he was brilliant. Years and years of practice had payed off, giving him the highest grades in class, and even Marshall's approval. He wouldn't admit it at the risk of sounding arrogant or upsetting him, but he had surpassed the older man years ago. Levi had no talent, only practice and a fierce determination. It was more rewarding in a way to think of it like that, rather than just being born with his skill.

"Levi!"

Dammit. It was his mother. She didn't sound pleased. Quite the opposite actually.

"Why did I get a call from your head of year saying that you left school during a lesson?!" Jennifer declared, eyes flaring and furious.

 _Probably because I left during a lesson_ , Levi wanted to say, but held back. His tongue hurt under the pressure of his teeth from keeping his retorts to himself.

"I'm not going to put up with this poor attitude, Levi!"

Levi only glared in response. 

"Do you really not care about your education?! You know there are people out there who would literally kill for an education, yet you're wasting it, and for what? What is it all for? Some pissy teenage rebellion phase?! You need to grow up.

You know, maybe if I had stayed at school I wouldn't have to work full time to feed your ungrateful mouth. You need to realize you're not the only one with problems. Wake up before the real world does it for you. You can't hide behind Marshall forever."

Her words cut deep enough to scar. 

"I don't," 

"Don't treat me like I'm stupid, Levi. You can do whatever you want, but  _don't_ you dare question my intelligence. I know how much you adore him and since no one else is going to tell you, I will. He can't love you the way you want him to,"

"You're wrong!" Levi cried before he could stop himself. He cringed knowing that he had only corrected his mother's suspicions. 

"Am I? Would you happen to have proof for this?" 

"...No,"

"Levi," Jennifer's eyes grew cloudy. Like the sky before rain, but not in a way that was beautiful. "Oh, Jesus, he hasn't. Tell me I didn't. No, no, I didn't. I couldn't have done that to you. I didn't force a disgusting pedophile in you life,"

"Don't call him that!" He knew he should be denying her words, but he had no control. He had to defend Marshall from her foul accusations. 

"Oh my god! It's true, isn't it?" Something resembling a strangled sob ripped free from her vocal chords. It was a piercing sound that gave the same effect of being punched in the face. This was how it was all going to end. It was all his fault. He was never going to see Marshall again. "I'm so sorry, Levi. You have to believe me that I've never been more sorry about anything in my life."

Levi didn't fall into his mother's open arms. He ran away from them. Away to Marshall's house. Away from everything.

His stomach spiralled as if someone stabbed him and twisted the blade like the hands of a clock. He had to warn Marshall before they took him away forever. Tears pricked his eyes at the thought. They couldn't do that to him. Levi wouldn't be able to cope. Marshall was the only thing in his life that was good. He would die without him. Levi  _wanted_  to die if he wasn't around him. 

Reaching the front door quicker than Levi thought he would, he pounded on it with enough force to break it. When it took more than a second, Levi punched the door again, desperation laced with every knock. 

"What is it?" Marshall answered the door, blissfully unaware.

"You have to run, Marshall!" Levi gasped through ragged breaths. "Mum knows."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! How did she find out?! How could you let this happen!" Marshall's hands flew to his hair, pulling it out in matted clumps. 

"We need to escape, Marshall,"

"We?"

"I'm not letting you leave alone,"

"Levi, be realistic. I can't take you with me,"

"Don't you want me with you?"

"Of course I do, but we need to be reasonable!"

"I am,"

"No, you're not. Taking you with me is a massive risk,"

"Aren't I worth it?"

"Jesus Christ, Levi! You can't expect me to risk my life just for the sake of you!"

"I thought you loved me,"

"That's not love, Levi. Obsession isn't love," 

"So you don't love me,"

"Of course I do,"

Marshall was beginning to yank object into a massive bag swinging on his shoulder. Levi recognized it as the bag he used to store all his presents he had bought for him when they went shopping last weekend. Later that day they'd gone to his house where there drank hot chocolate and Levi learned to sow. His mouth went dry at the memory. Now he was using the bag to escape. Without him. 

"You don't sound convinced,"

"I don't have time for this, Levi! I need to go and some help would be nice!"

He can't make himself move forward to assist him.

"You've never shout at me,"

"If you haven't noticed I'm a little stressed!"

"Why are you acting so different!? This is scary for me too!" Fuck; Levi hadn't meant to start crying again. He looked so pitifully pathetic. 

"Shit! Are those police sirens?!" Marshall cried, eyes a white pool with only a pinprick of an iris. 

"You can't leave me, Marshall!" Levi sobbed, an ugly sound that probably only put Marshall off even more. "Don't go!"

But Levi's cries did nothing. 

Marshall was shackled up, then put into the back of a flashing police car. The obnoxiously bright red and blue lights tattooed themselves onto his eyeballs. A bulky police man had to hold him back from taking Marshall back and hiding him far away. 

Kicking and screaming, Levi could only watch as Marshall is taken further and further away from him.


	22. Wave Dancers (Part Three)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we conclude the end of Levi's backstory which took way longer than I thought it would. Thank you for all your positive comments, even if I couldn't reply to them all. There's only so many ways I can say thank you

*********Trigger warning for mentions of rape and self harm*******

Levi was bleeding.

Too many gashes to count littered the soft flesh of his inner thighs, tainting his milky skin a vivid scarlet. Thin lines of blood trickled towards his feet like rain running down glass. The pain was searingly hot against his shivering frame. It wasn't the first time in his life he had a cut; but it was the first time that was intentional.

Thoughts of Marshall were banished by the relentless stinging rippling in his legs. The pain overtook all his senses, meaning he couldn't smell Marshall's soap any longer, or picture the way his dark hair curled at the base of his neck, or the curve of his lips when he said 'I love you.' For the first time in the past week, Levi's brain wasn't brimming with thoughts of _him_. It was supposed to be a punishment, stealing his mother's razor and locking the bathroom door. His penalty for destroying Marshall's life.

But it wasn't supposed to be enjoyable. Levi shouldn't have been craving the pain, savouring the sweet bite of the blade against his flesh. It should have been intensifying his feelings of guilt, not washing them away. Punishment meant pain, but there wasn't anything hurtful about it. Not as painful as thinking of Marshall.

A strange sense of pride fills his chest at the number and deepness of his cuts. They were calming to look at, a pleasant reminder of his payment for his crimes. The blood staining his thighs was enchanting to look at, even if the staggering brightness of the colour hurt his eyes. He could paint with the amount of blood seeping from his wounds; a beautiful illustration of angry, red slashes decorating a blank white sheet.

His body was finally at peace with a strong numbness spreading across it like ice. It was the calming kind of numbness, not the type that made you desperate for any kind of feeling, even pain. After too many sleepless nights spent howling into his pillow, Levi welcomed the dark abyss of nothingness growing in his stomach.

He cleaned his cuts with water and bandaged his cuts when they wouldn't stop bleeding. At least he wouldn't get blood on anything. The bleeding should stop by morning anyway.

 

It's the agony of his open wounds that wake him up the next day. An unbearable stinging overwhelmed his senses, as if Levi had stripped and rolled in a bed of nettles, but worse. Removing the bloody bandages, the cuts were puffy and inflamed. Also far redder than he remembered. They were incredibly sensitive; even the most gentle brush of his pyjammas against them made Levi wince. Still better than than waking up from another nightmare about Marshall wilting away behind bars.

Levi shuffled towards the bathroom to wash his cuts against, biting his tongue through the hiss of his wounds. If he made it hurt enough maybe he could block out the memory of screaming at the police officer who asked about how Marshall 'raped' him.

He was careful not to wake his Mother up. Although he suspected it wouldn't be too easy considering the stack of bottles she had taken to her room last night. The cuts weren't painful anymore when he thought of his mother drinking away her guilt. Alone. But then he remembered that she was the cause of all of this. She was the reason he could never see Marshall ever again.

No. He wasn't going to cry, not this early in the morning. Levi was so fucking tired of crying. His tears did fuck-all. He pressed his palm against the reddest of his cuts to distract himself. It worked. In the back of his mind a thought nagged at him, telling him that this wasn't healthy, but he pushed it away.

Screw healthy. Healthy wasn't helping him. Going to sleep early and surrounding himself with the people he loved wasn't taking away the pain. Hurting himself did. He was going to fight fire with fire, and couldn't care less if he got burnt. Maybe he should throw himself into a fire. It'd be slow, but definitely would work. There was no way to come back from the ashes after all. But Levi had told himself he hadn't gotten up to that point. Yet.

*****

“Levi needs to see his head of year at the beginning of break,” A tall, slender receptionist said during his English class, holding a yellow post-it note with her lines on it.

“Okay, thank you,” Mr. Wells dismissed her, and went back to reading aloud the passage on the board which Levi wasn't even trying to pay attention to. It was a shitty poem anyway, trying too hard to sound deep and philosophical, when in reality it was as basic as the alphabet.

Whispers buzzed around him. It didn't take a genius to know the gossip was about Levi. No one dared to share their comments with him. Good. They'd finally learned that nothing they said could even try to affect him. The insults were immature and useless, like the people who came up with them. Levi would simply batter their words away like the pesky flies that they were.

Even so, Levi couldn't help feeling queasy about the meeting. He hadn't said anything, done anything, hell, even heard anything that could get him into trouble. What would they want to talk to him about? There was no way they could have found out about Marshall. Jennifer hadn't even left the house since it happened, she couldn't have told anyone. Maybe the police? It was reasonable. They probably suspected he was deeply traumatized and wanted to give him an excuse for his untouched homework.

There were only fifteen minutes left until break, but it may as well have been centuries. Anxiety made him fidget nervously in his seat. He didn't want to talk about his feelings to anyone, let alone a _teacher._ If he saw a single sympathetic gaze he wouldn't hesitate to punch it. He didn't need sympathy. He wasn't pitiful. He was strong. Strong people didn't need help from others.

But who was he kidding? He wasn't strong. The exact opposite actually. Strong people didn't weep until the early hours of the morning. They didn't rely on someone else simply to be able to breathe again. They didn't do anything Levi did just to try to cope. He was weak.

Finally, after an age of waiting, the bell obnoxiously chimed. Before his teacher even dismissed him, Levi escaped, pacing towards his head-of-year's office. He didn't know whether to speed up or slow down. The door was in sight, twisting the knife of fear deeper in his gut. The fabric of his trousers rubbed against his cuts like sandpaper as he stepped inside.

“Welcome, Levi,” Mrs. Bowles greeted with a smile Levi didn't return. She was sat at her organized desk, bathing in the light spilling through the cracks of the sandy blinds behind her. Mrs. Bowles screamed power and intimidation, but not in a way that made her unapproachable. Not many female teachers in the school could wear a suit and not get mocked for looking like a 'butch lesbo.' Even the delinquents didn't take the piss. She had the smile of an angel, but that didn't mean she couldn't glare like the devil if she wanted. Just give her a reason, and she'd prove it.

“Why am I here?” Levi demanded, cutting the small talk short before it even started. He wasn't in the mood for a one-sided conversations about his studies and how school was. They both knew they weren't here to have a friendly discussion about the A+ he recently got in his Art project.

“Let me assure you that you're not in trouble,” Mrs. Bowles beamed softly. “Some teachers have come to me with some worries about you.”

“What kind of worries?”

“You've been rather detached recently in most of your lessons it seems from what I heard. Is that true?”

“Depends on who you ask,”

“Most of my staff have been concerned about how you may have been feeling recently,”

“Is this supposed to be a therapy session?”

“No, although I do appreciate your humour,”

“Can we cut to the chase?”

“The school have assigned you a counsellor. We worry that something may have happened that you may want to talk about,”

“You said this wasn't a therapy session,”

“It's not. It's counselling, very different I assure you,”

“I'm not having a therapist; there's nothing wrong with me,”

“No one ever said there was. That came from you, Levi, rather defensively might I add,”

“Don't twist my words,”

“I apologize if I offended you,”

“You didn't,”

“Good, then. Now, you're going to see Katrina at least once a week during one of your lessons. Which one? We haven't decided yet,”

“I said I'm not having a therapist,”

“And you'd be right. You're having a Councillor instead,”

Levi grit his teeth.

“Councillor is just a kinder way to say therapist,”

“Well, that all depends on your opinion. But, Levi, I assure you that this is within your best interests.”

“How so?”

“In just a few years you have exams coming up. If you're struggling with, let's say anxiety or depression for instance, getting your results is going to be a tenth fold harder. I want you to be successful, Levi. In fact I want all my students to do be, emotionally as well though.

I'm not going to lie and pretend school life isn't incredibly stressful, because it is. I went through it too, something far too many of my students forget. I understand it, seriously, I do. This school wants to be able to lessen that stress, and we believe a Councillor can achieve that.”

“Nice speech you prepared there,”

“I can assure you it came from the heart,”

“I'm still not doing it.”

Mrs. Bowles sighed, and took off her glasses. She retrieved a cloth from her top drawer and began to polish them, giving Levi a sharp look as she did so.

“We can get your legal guardians involved with the situation if we see you as a risk to yourself or other people. Which we do, I should add. This isn't a threat, I promise, but if we as a school can't help you, we have to get your family involved.”

Levi gulped.

“Sounded like a threat,”

“It wasn't intended to be. I'm simply explaining what would happen if you decided not to comply,”

“Fine. I'll do it,”

“Great. I hope we get to know each other better over the following weeks,”

They never did got the opportunity.

*****

Levi's door rattled again.

“Levi, come out! We need to talk!” Jennifer shouted.

Levi bit back a snarl whilst moving another chair towards the entrance. It was hard to move it around the piles of clothes and pot-noodle containers scattered across his carpet. He'd been too tired recently to clean it. That, and he couldn't be bothered.

“Let me in, Levi! Please!” Jennifer begged. Levi could clearly imagine the desperation swimming in her eyes, making his stomach lurch. “It's about your father.”

Something in his resolve cracked. Levi may not have cared for his father, but he was curious. He began clearing his barricade, brushing the objects hastily to the side so that he could wedge the door open.

“If I let you in you aren't to talk about _him_ ,” Levi ordered, knowing that if he said Marshall's name aloud he would break. Jennifer complied with a nod, and stepped inside to sit on Levi's bed. Her eyes swam across Levi's figure, as if memorizing everything about him.

“I want to talk about your Dad,” Jennifer sighed, rubbing her blood-shot eyes.

“You said that already,”

“I've never properly told anyone about him,”

Levi only raised an eyebrow.

“If I tell you, I don't want you to be repulsed. Promise me you won't despise me,”

“I can't. I don't know what you did,”

Jennifer nodded solemnly, and took several deep breaths.

“We had our difficulties, your father and I, but we loved each other. It was tough being with him, but I stuck through it because of how much I adored him...No, fuck it, I'm not going to lie.”

Jennifer wrung her hands through her knotty hair and inhaled a great gulp of air. She avoided Levi's eyes, her gaze not focusing on a single object.

“When I was not much older than you, fifteen, I went to a party. I was invited by a boy a lot older than me. His name was David Oscar and he had the bluest eyes I'd ever seen. As you can probably tell, I really liked him. So when he invited me to his girlfriend's party I was really happy, even if it meant I'd have to see his girlfriend.

My parents didn't want me to go. I said it would be safe, and that there wouldn't be any alcohol, but they didn't believe me. They were right to of course, there was alcohol. A lot. But as any teenager does, I didn't do as my parents said, and I went anyway.

David ditched me when we got to the party and left me on my own. I was furious that he just left me. So when one of the older guys offered me a drink, I said yes. And I said it again and again until I got wasted.

Not the fun tipsy kind either. Gwen, David's girlfriend, got pissed when she saw how drunk I was. I was throwing up a lot, and generally annoying everyone there. After shrieking at me, she threw me out. ”

Jennifer couldn't get her words out because of how hard she was crying. The sight froze Levi. His mother never cried.

“One of the guys followed me out to give me a lift home. Not thinking like the fucking idiot I am, I said yes. So I got in his car and...and he raped me.”

Levi couldn't speak. He was literally speechless. Nothing could describe the tornado of emotions raging inside of him.

“When I told David he said it was my fault. That I shouldn't have gotten drunk, that I shouldn't have worn that dress, and he was right. It was my fault. I couldn't tell my parents what had really happened or they'd blame me too, so I lied. I said I slept with a boy in my class, and I needed an abortion.”

 _Please say you got the abortion. Don't say what I think you're going to say_ Levi pleaded in his mind.

“They refused and kicked me out. They called me a slut, a whore, anything you can think of. I tried to get an abortion, but I only made it to the clinic before running away. Nine months later I gave birth to you,”

Levi wished she never opened up. She wished she had never said anything so he wouldn't feel like someone was tearing him apart limb by limb. Actually no, someone ripping his arms off would have been far less painful.

“I-I can't live with myself knowing that I let the same thing happen to you. I know I've been a horrible mother, but I never wanted this to happen to you. You never deserved any of this, Levi. You didn't deserve such an awful mother like me, you didn't deserve what happened...what happened with Marshall. You didn't deserve any of it.”

Levi doesn't push her away when she hugged her. He accepted her arms and latched onto her, hiding his tears in her shoulder. He never realized that under the scent of vodka she smelled of vanilla.

“I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,”

*****

Levi sprinted away from the house, bulky backpack barely fitting on his tiny shoulders. He couldn't stay any longer. The memories were too much to bear. The knowledge of where he had come tore him apart. He had to run before it really did tear him to pieces.

Maybe if he ran away he could start again. Forget everything, Marshall, his mother, school; he could be better this time. Not a disgusting disappointment, but maybe a human being. Yeah right, Levi would never be able to redeem himself. The only way he could try to was to distance himself from everyone before he ruined them too.

He ran until he physically couldn't. Levi collapsed under a tree in a park he didn't recognise and sobbed. He cried until the tears couldn't come anymore. He cried for everything and nothing.

A nearby song interrupted his weeping. Levi recognized it as a Christmas carol, one his Mother would play every year. His mother never cared much for Christmas, even if Levi's birthday was on it (they celebrated it in November anyway.) But she'd always play this one song every time on the twenty fifth since Levi was a baby.

Levi didn't sleep well that night.

******

It was New Year's Eve, and Levi was standing on the edge of Trost Bridge.

The icy wind sliced across his bare arms and face. The sky was freckled with glimmering stars, illuminating the city Levi was so sick of. But he'd finally be leaving it. He'd be free of it all in a matter of seconds. He'd sink to the bottom of the inky ocean and rot away on the seabeds. No one would have to dispose of his body. He'd quietly waste away by the waves of the sea. At the tender age of twenty two, he'd at last be freed from this wretched world.

Levi thought of how it could have been different if only fate had been kinder. Maybe he'd have a family, a stable job, and a love for life. But it would all be fake. Everything in this life was. Love. Security. Happiness. It was all rubbish, made by people trying to survive the crushing loneliness of life. But he wouldn't have to kid himself anymore.

He took another step forward.

Levi didn't shut his eyes. He wanted to see himself fall. These were his last moments, he was going to see them. With one last breath, his feet stepped into nothingness and-

He was yanked back. His feet were securely planted on the pavement, the sea no longer in sight. How had he failed? Why couldn't he feel the sea swallowing him? A tall, broad man standing besides him, panting heavily, answering his questions. Levi felt an uncontrollable surge of fury towards him.

“You'd regret doing that,” he said firmly, not a trace of doubt in his sky-blue eyes.

“What the fuck?!” Levi spat. “Who gave you the right?! YOU HAD NO REASON TO STOP ME!” He moved towards the railings again, wanting to leap just to spite him. But once again, he was pulled back, less gently this time.

“Who the fuck are you?” Levi hissed, not caring to be kind. Anger made his body rush with heat, despite the bitter cold.

“My name is Erwin Smith, and I have a spare room I'd like for you to stay in.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep me in your prayers, I have to suffer with cable internet and my family are literally right next to me whilst writing and reading fanfic


	23. Ocean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once I get back to school I promise I'll have my schedule sorted out again, but until then enjoy infrequent updates

Eren almost wished Levi hadn't said anything. Not a single fact had been spared, his story told in excruciating detail. It felt as if his blood had turned to icy cement. They shared a tense moment of intense eye contact which Levi tried not to flinch anyway from.

“Levi, I-” But he couldn't get any words out.

“You don't have to say anything,” Levi sighed heavily. “I understand if you don't want to see me anymore,”

There was a tense pause.

“I'm glad Erwin stopped you,” What was saying sorry going to do? Eren knew from experience with his mother that it didn't do shit. It was better to just skip the pointless apologies and be honest. “I'm so fucking happy you're still alive.”

Levi's eyes widened, to the point that Eren would have laughed if the situation hadn't been so serious. He scanned Eren's face, almost as if looking for any trace of doubt. With a sharp sting in his stomach, Eren realized Levi was crying. It made his intestines twist seeing the salty tears leak from his eyes. He placed a calloused palm against his cheek to wipe the tears away.

“Thank you for telling me,” Eren whispered so softly it was almost inaudible. Levi trembled at the vibrations rippling down his spine at his proximity.

“Thanks for not running away,” Levi's voice is too faint for his sarcasm to be as sharp as he wanted. There was a fragility to his usual scowl-like expression that made Eren's chest ache.

“I couldn't even if I wanted to,” Eren chuckled weakly, and placed a kiss so gentle to his lips that Levi nearly couldn't feel it, yet still made his heart erratically pound. Cold hands tentatively placed themselves against the warm crook of Eren's neck as he leaned closer into his hot mouth.

“Let's get this stuff off of you,” Eren said before turning on the taps of the bath, filling it with steaming water. With a silent look of consent, Levi allowed Eren to strip him of his clothes and submerged himself in the water. A hand tugged on his wrist as he turned to leave, stopping his exit. Eren swivelled around to give Levi a questioning look, but was surprised to be met with a pleading one. After a internal conversation of shared looks, Eren rid himself of his clothes and joined Levi.

Despite the situation, there was nothing sexual about it. Even if they were both bare and wet, neither felt even a spike of arousal. Not even the closeness of their warm bodies elicited a single gasp. It was strangely innocent, and Eren wouldn't of had it any other way. He would have been perfectly content never sleeping with anyone ever again if it meant he could share a moment as intimate like this once more. It was almost overwhelming, the adoration he felt for the man across him, and maybe even love. The thought of being in love with Levi didn't even scare him. Love didn't have to be terrifying anymore.

Levi's snowy skin was impossibly soft against Eren's palms as he washed him. Mostly he did it just an excuse to touch him, but Levi certainly wasn't objecting. He shut his eyes and hummed contentedly as Eren massaged shampoo into his hair and rubbed out the knots in his back. It was soothing, the gentle touches, the soft sighs, how there was no drive for things to go further. Just the simple, feathery touches were more than enough for the both of them.

After what seemed like hours of hazy kisses and silky touches, the bath was emptied and they both stepped out. They towled each other dry, not bothering to step back into their clothes. After their discarded items were placed in the hamper, they stumbled towards the bedroom, suddenly very sleepy. Eren only laughed at Levi's remark about how disgustingly domestic they were being. Witty comebacks required energy, something Eren currently was lacking.

The bedsheets were carelessly strew aside whilst they collapsed onto the mattress. Sighing contentedly, Levi wrapped himself around Eren like a ribbon, resting his hands on his firm chest. Levi's still-wet hair dampened the crook of Eren's shoulder, but he didn't mind. All that mattered was that he got to hold Levi against him like this, sucking in his body heat. The soft whisper of Levi's light snoring lulled him to sleep, along with the scent of coconuts.

 

The weight of it all collapsed on Eren the next morning. The calm before the storm was gone, and now he had to deal with the violent thunder roaring in his head. It seemed impossible what happened to Levi. Nothing like that could happen to someone who looked so delicate when they slept. It was all too distant. It felt like it happened to someone else, another Levi, not _his_ Levi. It was selfish to admit, but he wished it that it did happen to someone else. That someone had to suffer Levi's pain, not him.

But a greater feeling overtook all of that. The feeling of knowing that Levi trusted him with his heavy past. It may have been difficult, but Levi had opened up to him. In his eyes, Eren was worthy of knowing him in true depth. Even if it hurt, Eren was glad he knew. He felt that their relationship had gone stronger because of it. They knew they had the strength to handle something like this.

A shrill ring interrupted his thoughts. It took Eren a while to realize that the sound was coming from his phone laying on the bedside table. Looking at the ID caller, it was Nathan.

“What's up?” Eren greeted, trying to force some cheerfulness into his flat tone.

“Hey, Eren,” Eren could clearly imagine his smile as Nathan said those words. He had missed his voice. “I've missed you,”

“Yeah, you too,” Eren admitted. “...So, why'd you ring me?”

“I've got a favour to ask of you,”

“If this is to test out those chains again, Nathan, I swear to God-”

“No chains. Unless you want them of course,”

“Stop flirting and get to the point,”

“Jamie's deadline's been cut short and he needs someone to help him finish his panels,”

“Nathan, you know I haven't drawn in years,”

“But that doesn't mean you can't. Please, Eren, he's been stressing out a lot about this and you're the only person I can come to. Besides, you're amazing even if you're too stubborn to admit it,”

“I don't know,”

“He can compensate for your troubles, don't worry. Jamie has a _massive-”_

“Okay, okay, stop! I don't want to hear it!”

“-Bank account. What did you think I was going to say?”

“So now you act all innocent? Not the time when Karin walked in on me finding _your_ latex suit that you said that it was mine!? 'Oh, I have no idea where that came from, Karin! Probably some weird fetish Eren has!'”

“Ugh, that suit was such a pain to get out of. My dick got stuck in the zip once, let me tell you, more painful than Bambi's mum dying,”

“I really don't want to hear the details about your sex life,”

“It's not a part of _my_ sex life. There I was a guy I was screwing for a while who liked all that latex stuff. It was worth it though, he had a _huge-”_

“Nathan!”

“Heart, Eren. He had a massive, throbbing heart,”

“You're a twat,”

“A twat with a massive, throbbing heart,”

“Do you want me to help with the panels?”

“So you'll do it?”

“What do you think I'm saying?!”

“Thank you, Eren! I'll pick you up in an hour!”

He hung up with a soft chuckle. In truth, he was excited to see Nathan again. It had felt longer than the due date for the next season of Sherlock since he had last seen him. He swung out of bed, but not without kissing Levi's forehead first. Levi's eyebrows scrunched up, but he didn't wake. Eren had to hold back a high-pitched squeal at his boyfriend's kitten-like look. Never in his life did he think he would be comparing Levi of all people, to a cute, fluffy animal.

Eren's body twitched with excitement as he began to get dressed and combed his hair into something that didn't resemble a bird's nest. Although he may have snapped Levi's comb in attempting to do so. As he was washing his face, he could hear Levi awakening. Bouncing back into the bedroom to greet him with a good morning, the sight of a half-asleep, naked Levi sprawled across the bed was almost too adorable to handle, and just slightly erotic.

Levi looked panicked for a moment until he noticed his boyfriend's entrance. All traces of anxiety on his face dripped away like water trickling down a drain.

“I thought you had left,” Levi admitted, his expression painfully vulnerable.

“I'm here,” Eren reassured, and reached forward to engulf Levi in his arms. He was shivering slightly in his grasp.

“Ugh,” Levi groaned. “This is all way too fucking corny.”

“So you want me to let go then?” Eren teased, eyebrows raised in amusement.

“I never said that, brat,” Levi mumbled, and laid his head onto Eren's collarbones. Vibrations tickled his cheek as Eren laughed loudly. It wasn't a mean laugh though, only an annoyingly endearing one. Then again, everything Eren did was endearing. He could bring in a homeless three-headed dog who threw up over everything he owned, and Levi would be pissed of course, but would still be touched by Eren's kindness towards others. This was what that damned brat had reduced him to in just a matter of months; a fucking romantic. He didn't even know if Eren liked dogs. However Levi was a very good judge of character, and he could definitely sense puppy vibes waving off from Eren. Or maybe that was just from his unstoppable energy and will to please the people he loved. The image of Eren with a wagging tail sprung to mind and Levi couldn't hold back a snort.

“What?” Eren asked with a puzzled expression.

“Nothing,” Levi chuckled, a rare sound, and dragged his boyfriend down to his height into an open-mouthed kiss. Levi loved the way he could feel Eren's breath hitch in the back of his throat whenever their lips connected. It was just a small gasp, but it was enough to set his veins on fire with an intense heat that didn't burn. Everything about Eren was safe, but still electrifying at the same time. Nothing in the world could feel more secure than the taste of Eren's sugary lips. Nothing. Eren was the shelter in the raging storm; the bandage for his wounds; the plaster for his broken bones. Issues still troubled him, and Eren couldn't stop them from happening. But he would still help mend his shattered pieces, slotting them into a finished puzzle. A puzzle lined with cracks, but complete nonetheless. And that was more than he could ever ask for. Someone who accepted they couldn't erase his scars, but simply lessened the pain of them. And now Levi knew he was being a sap.

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah. Pretty sure.”

“Hm, whatever you say.”

“Damn right whatever I say.”

“Ooh, bossy are we?”

“You better shut your mouth if you want to keep your balls, kid.”

“Yep, definitely bossy,”

“Shut it.”

“You love my sass.”

“I can't love what ceases exist.”

“Are you implying that I'm not sassy?”

“I don't know. Am I?”

“Don't be a tease.”

“Hm, but you like it really,”

“Stop flirting with me, I need to get ready,”

“Where're you going?”

“Running an errand,”

“What kind of errand?”

“Nathan knows this comic-book artist who needs some help with his deadline so I'm going to help,”

“I thought you gave up art,”

“It's just a favour,”

“Calm down, I'm not saying it to be a dick. It's good that you're getting back into doing it,”

“It's just a favour,”

“Okay, then. Do you need a lift?”

“Nah, Nathan's picking me up,”

“Cool. I'll let you get ready then,”

And so he did. No longer wasting time on idle chat (as amusing as it was,) he clambered into the shower. Quickly, he washed his hair and thoroughly lathered his body, letting the spray of water completely wake him up. Afterwards, he brushed his teeth as he tugged on old, plain clothes that he didn't care for. Whilst he was tugging on his shoes, the door chimed. Unsurprisingly, it was Nathan at the door with an 10 mile wide smile.

“Hey,” he greeted, lazily grinning.

“Levi, I'm leaving!” Eren hollerred, maybe wishing for a goodbye kiss. It would save the embarrassment of telling Nathan about his new relationship(not that there was a way of telling Nathan anything personal that wasn't humiliating.) What better time than the present, right?

Levi jogged down the stairs and barely glanced at Nathan before landing a chaste, almost shy, peck on his lips. Eren would have been tempted not to allow Levi such a timid goodbye if it wasn't for the over the top gasp emitted from Nathan's hanging jaw. With a chuckle, Eren joined Nathan towards Lia's car (borrowed of course,) taking amusement in his flabbergast expression.

“Soo,” Nathan purred, eyebrows raised deviously. “Levi, huh? Well, I've got to say Eren you have good taste.”

“I think I have to agree with that,” Eren laughed in reply.

“But in all seriousness,” Nathan's usually childish face turned deathly solemn. “Are you sure you're ready for a relationship? I know it sounds patronizing, but I don't want you to force yourself into things that you're not comfortable with.”

The unspoken question hung heavily in the air; how can you know he's not the same as Alex?

“I trust Levi,” Eren stated with a conviction that couldn't be tested. “He doesn't bother to sugar-coat his words, or falsely charm me into liking him. Even if it's not pretty, he's always truthful. He's _not_ Alexander.”

“I know you don't like people worrying for you, but it's hard not to, you know?” Nathan cracked a weak smile.

“Yeah, I get you,” Eren grinned, and nudged Nathan's leg with his knee. They clambered into the car and played the radio, singing along piercingly loud as they drove.

*****

“H-hey,” Jamie held the door open into his invitingly warm apartment. Central heating sounded like bliss to the frost-bitten men shivering outside, and they quickly rushed in. The moment they stepped inside, they were both engulfed by the warmth from the heavenly space-heater hanging on the wall. Eren sighed in appreciation of the heat.

Jamie's house was immaculately clean without a single trace of dust. All the books on the shelves were neatly organized in order of size and there wasn't a single object that wasn't precisely ordered. Eren would have been worried about the obsessive orderliness if it wasn't for the recent smell of bleach. He'd obviously cleaned up before his guests had arrived.

“Jamie, my darling!” Nathan exclaimed, and bundled Jamie into a tight hug. Whilst Jamie was spluttering, Eren took off his shoes. He held them awkwardly, not knowing where to put them.

“I'll take those,” Jamie nudged his head towards Eren's belongings, and placed his shoes on the rack. Eren thanked him as he took Nathan's shoes as well. He motioned them to follow him, and they did, into a vast, spacious studio. The walls were a bare white, complimenting the inky black furniture. On a scratched wooden table, lay multiple sheets of large paper. Most of the panels were at least inked but many hadn't even been finished yet. Expensive pens and pencils were strewn all over the chipped surface.

Eren joined Jamie at the table whilst Nathan sat on a stray sofa. He explained what he wanted Eren to do, to simply clean up his sketches and outline them. Easy enough. With a nod, Eren sat opposite him on a stool that was more comfortable than it looked. They worked in silence as Jamie produced sketches and Eren outlined them. Nathan had become bored quickly, and left for the living room, yelling insults about how his DVD case held no Disney films.

It was a bit awkward to get into it at first, but soon Eren was quickly immersed into finishing his work, and finishing it well. He even offered to colour, which he was allowed to do. Eren held back a cry of joy when Jamie showed him where the scanner was. Eren was surprised at how much he missed using digital. Whilst he could use traditional methods, he preferred not to.

An hour easily slipped past. And then another. The pile that was there at the start was steadily decreasing. Eren was tweaking the lighting in one particularly gruesome panel of a boy's leg being severed off by a creepy-faced giant. But a ring of his phone interrupted him. It was answered it immediately when he saw it was Levi. _Why am I shaking? It's going to be nothing._

“Hey, Levi, what's up?” Eren answered, startling himself with how steady his voice was.

“I need you to get to the address I texted you immediately, it's important,”

“What's happened?”

Levi didn't reply.

“What happened, Levi?”

“It's...It's my Mother.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CWADK has about five chapters left guys...And there's a plot twist coming up soon ^_^


	24. Reflection

Once Eren had left, the house felt oddly empty. Sure, Levi had been living by himself for a long time, but after Eren and Nathan had practically invaded and took it over, he had gotten used to other voices in the house. Now it was just him, it felt...weird. The house was too bare, allowing a faint loneliness to creep in through the cracks of the floorboards. It was disorientating to be alone after so much time with Eren. Levi realized that he missed him. It had barely been ten minutes and he already wanted him back.

As a distraction, Levi rung up Erwin and Hanji. It had been far too long since they had sat down and watched shitty movies with shitty food. A message was sent back promptly telling Levi they would be coming over later on once Hanji was finished at the store. There were still so many hours left though.

To kill time, he tried to organize his hair so it didn't look like a pile of jumbled wires, and dressed in his usual 'fuck off' attire which always worked in getting the message across. That and that the shirt literally said 'fuck off' in clear capital letters. Parents with young children and the elderly never seemed to appreciate the humour in it when he wore it in public. Paired with his boots that were made to crush skulls, and bags that looked like nasty bruises under his eyes, Levi left his house looking like death personified. Just the way he liked it.

His natural glare was especially fierce today. Hopefully he'd make a few children cry on the way to the art store. If he stayed in his house any longer the air would smother his lungs. Even the open space of the outside world felt stuffy. Everything was too constrictive.

 Agitation and anxiety meant that Levi arrived at the art store far quicker than he usually would have if he was just casually strolling. Hanji was surprised to see him walk in, but smiled nonetheless at his presence. Levi didn't bother with a greeting or a wave; as soon as he got in he went straight to the books and reordered them into an organized line. Petra was busying herself buzzing around helping different customers as Levi was too bitter for socialization, and Hanji usually ended up scaring people. Whilst struggling to fit a fat book into a tight spot, someone tapped his shoulder and Levi turned to see it was Hanji. A familiar black mug of coffee was placed in their hands, steam rising from it like reverse rainfall. It was the mug that they had once given him as a present, the one with 'have a nice cup of shut the fuck up,' delicately written around it. Levi attempted a smile.

“Any particular reason you're here?” Hanji beamed, brushing away stray flyaway hairs from their face.

“I had to make sure you didn't burn the store to ashes whilst I was gone,” Levi retorted with no real bite. Hanji understood what he really meant anyway. Later, they'd have to talk; but for now Levi didn't have to bother for any dire discussion about feelings. It was always better to let him distract himself before making him open up.

Being in a different environment helped though. The mild chatter was helpful for background noise, and allowing himself to get lost in his work was far better than sitting in the silence. Silence was normally relaxing, but it could get too much. The presence of other people made him feel less alone for once.

The black coffee was bitter without making him cringe, and warmed the cold contents of his stomach. He took delicate sips whilst reorganizing the already immaculate shop. There was nothing wrong in a little touching up after all. Petra talked to him about basic topics, managing not to be boringly tedious about it. She must have noticed he was on edge when he entered. Levi had no problems with her trying to calm him down; it was working. His mood was far lighter than what it was barely an hour ago. Hanji's coffee was known for its healing abilities after all.

It's whilst he's dusting beneath the shelves that he got a call. A quick look at his phone told him it was Erwin. Hopefully he wasn't calling to cancel.

“Hello, Levi. I hope you are doing well,” Erwin greeted.

“Jesus, Erwin,” Levi rolled his eyes, “You don't have to sound so fucking formal about it. What's up?”

 

“I hate you ask this of you, but do you think you'd be able to pick me up? My car has just broken down and I'll only be able to get it back tomorrow. I'm just by the library near my office, you know where right?”

“Yeah, I'll pick you up,” Levi sighed as if he was being a bother. In all honesty he didn't mind. Erwin would give him the world if he asked and more. He could do this small task for Erwin. Before Erwin could say goodbye, he hung up.

“I've got to pick Erwin up,” Levi explained shortly, walking towards the exit. Goodbye's were shouted at him from across the shop which Levi replied to with a lazy wave of dismissal. Not wanting to make Erwin wait long, he ran home, not caring what he looked like.

Levi noted with disgust that a thin sheet of sweat coated his skin, despite the chill of the weather. With a scowl, he leapt into his car. The radio hummed as he drove towards the outskirts of town, before leaving it and travelling into the depths of Rose City.

Rose city was noticeably fancier than the modest town of Trost.. It was also noticeably more congested. The landscape was dominated by landscapes high enough to reach the moon and polished pavements. The beeping of taxi's echoed throughout the brimming city filled rushed businessmen scampering home from work, flashy briefcases swinging in their wrinkled hands. Even with the windows rolled up, Levi could  _smell_ the wealth radiating off of them. Even when he was a kid he had always hated the pretentiousness of the city he had been trapped in.

It took him several times of counting to ten not to throttle the guy behind him beeping his horn as if it wasn't the single most irritating sound to ever exist. No one liked traffic, and Levi wasn't one to prove that statement wrong. Erwin owed him so much for this. Maybe he could coax a bottle of gin out of him for his struggles. Still wouldn't be worth sitting in traffic though.

Half an hour of bad radio music and relentless car horns later, Levi is an inch away from driving off the nearest bridge he can find. Erwin was informed of his position in traffic, and was irritatingly understanding about it. He had to be such a saint about everything.

The library was just ahead, hidden behind a row of fancy stationary shops. If nothing had happened Levi would be well on his way to picking up Erwin and spending the rest of his day doing nothing. But Levi wasn't lucky enough to just have a normal day for once. He pulled up on the curb, expecting to see Erwin in sight, but he was only greeted with a blank space where he should have been. It wasn't like Erwin to leave without telling him. Anxiety prickled his nerves like the sharp edge of a needle.

“Levi,”

It was barely a whisper, but it was loud enough to make him turn around. The low, but delicate, tone of their voice made a shudder crawl down his spine. With the smoothness of a robot, Levi swivelled around and fought the urge to throw up. The black hair, the naturally shadowy eyes, the skin whiter than snow.

“Jennifer,” Levi choked out. Something flashed in her eyes, whether it was yearning or sadness Levi couldn't tell. Although she no longer had her wrinkle-free skin and stern aura, those dark eyes were as silver as they always were. A cold sweat broke out across his body.

“I don't-you where here all this time?” Levi remembered her voice being harder, far more strict. Her voice was scratchier now, as if she had been swallowing shards of glass. Jennifer's eyes gleamed with unshed tears, threatening to spill any minute. It was all to similar to when she had told him her secret, before he left forever. The sting hadn't lessened over the years. It still made his legs trembled hearing the heartbreaking crack in her voice.

“I-” Levi's words had left him. All he could do was openly gape and swallow the acidic bile rising in his stomach. The air was too hot, but too cold at the same time. He didn't want to be there. He wanted to escape. He wanted to crawl back to the car and drive away where no one would find him ever again. But his legs wouldn't move. His body was frozen.

“Come home,” Jennifer sounded like she was being strangled. “Please, Levi. Come back. Don't leave again.”  
“No,” Levi was startled by how firm he sounded. It came out colder than he expected, but there wasn't any nice way to say it. “I have a home; I don't need yours.”

“I failed you. I-You didn't deserve this. I never wanted this to happen,” the last of her resolve was cracking away, like a shield of steel finally breaking. Ugly tears trailed down her flaming red cheeks. Her words had stopped making sense. Levi could barely understand what she was saying. It pained him to think it, but she looked pathetic. It would be really useful if Erwin decided to show up now.

“I'll take you home,” Levi stated. “But I don't want to talk to you. I don't care if I lived inside of you for nine months. I don't care that you fed me for fourteen years. You fucked me up more than you can ever understand; I can't let that go.”

Jennifer nodded and openly sobbed; a horrid, wretched sound. Levi couldn't keep watching it. It was only digging the blade of guilt further into his gut. People were staring, but that was least of either of their worries. The crowd would move on soon anyway. Levi and Jennifer were about to leave, and then their performance would be over.

The car was silent. No amount of small talk could mask the awkwardness buzzing in the air. Before starting the hopefully short drive, Levi messaged Erwin to apologize and lie that something came up. Well, it wasn't really a lie. Something did come up, but Erwin didn't have to know it was about his mother. He'd be able to explain afterwards at least. Erwin would understand; when has he not?

A box of tissues were wordlessly handed to Jennifer by Levi. If she was going to be a mess, she could at least be a clean one. Even if that did defeat the point of a mess. Thinking about dirt wasn't calming Levi down, the opposite actually. He needed a smoke. Or a razor. Or both. Levi shook his head to dispel his bad thoughts. 

He could hear Jennifer try to halt her cries. She must be feeling mortified at openly showing so much emotion. She'd never was one to bare her feelings so freely, unlike Eren. It would be so much more bearable if he was here right now. Maybe he would be awkward, or say the wrong thing, but he would help in his own way. Somehow. He always did.

"You've found someone, haven't you?" Jennifer said. The vulnerability was gone from her tone now, replaced by a softness was surprisingly sweet coming from someone like her. He didn't reply, deciding to just pretend she hadn't said anything. "I'm sorry. It's probably been hard for you to be close to someone like that. I was just being hopeful." 

"Why do you give a fuck if I'm in a relationship? So you can convince yourself that Marshall didn't fuck me up beyond return so you don't have to feel guilty?" Levi snapped. 

"You know I never intended-"

"Stop making me feel sorry for you. I don't blame you so stop with that victim attitude."

"That's not-"

"I know. You have too much pride to try and make people pity you." 

"You're not any different."

Levi didn't deny it. 

"Do they make you happy?"

"Yes."

"Then that's all I can ask for." 

The house was right in front of him. Jennifer must have sold her car because the driveway was empty. Levi can feel the bitter winter air slicing his face again as he ran away with an oversized backpack with no plan to ever return. He'd never imagined he'd be back at his childhood house. Sure he had dreamed of it, but those were more of nightmares than anything. 

"I know you said you'd only take me home, but please reconsider. Come in for a bit," Jennifer said once the car had stopped. The only thing that amazed him more than her asking him to stay was the fact that he accepted. The short terrain leading towards the house felt like a sea of knives to walk across. The door was unlocked.

"Oh, there you are. I was waiting for you to get back for a while now."

Jennifer howled. Levi reached for his phone, needing Eren to be here, but wanting him as far away as he could at the same time.  

"Get the fuck out of my house, Marshall."

                                                                         ----------

As soon as the call ended, Eren was out of the door. Nathan could barely keep up with his rash sprinting. Eren bitterly sat in the front side because he still couldn't drive, and still didn't have a license. It was probably better he wasn't driving anyway. Eren couldn't imagine himself following the speed limits in the mood he was in. Then again, Nathan was pretty lenient towards the rules as well, driving at a pace that would make adrenaline junkies squirm. The effort was appreciated.

Thank god they had missed rush hour, otherwise Eren wouldn't have made it still having his fingernails intact. The journey could have taken a minute and it still would have been too long. The entire time had been spent praying that everything was okay, and that Levi wasn't in danger. The lack of detail about the situation didn't help the feeling of wanting to vomit either. 

Eren had sprung out of the car before Nathan had even turned off the ignition. Checking the address briefly, Eren didn't bother knocking on the firm, wooden door. He slapped the door open, a small voice in the back of his head noting suspiciously that it wasn't even locked. His heart clenched when he saw Levi. His expression was raw and exposed, a toxic combination. But besides him was...  _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! No. It can't be him. It is NOT him._ _  
_

The long dark hair. The glasses. The slight trace of a beard.

"Dad?!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH
> 
> im so sorry


	25. Smoke of the Snake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Insert another apology for late update*

Karin was sat in the cafeteria at a square table amongst five other people talking quietly. She wouldn't say she was friends with them, but rather comfortable acquaintances. They didn't try to force any conversation with her and just let her eat in silence in their company without being awkward about it. If it looked like she was socializing maybe the doctors may let her have leave for a day. The thought graced a tiny smile on her lips.

She was doing everything she was supposed to be doing. She was taking her pills, listening to her therapist, eating properly and healthily. Hell, she even contributed at group. There wasn't any point in being embarrassed about what she did anymore, everybody already knew she tried to kill herself. The details weren't going to make that any worse. Besides, she needed to look like she was opening up. She had to get out of here by Christmas. 

Judging by her doctors comments she seemed to be doing well with faking it. Because in all honesty, therapy wasn't doing shit. Talking about her issues never was a solution for Karin. Discussing what was bothering her never made the issue go away, so what was the point? It wasn't like she had a problem with expressing herself; she had her art. 

If there was anything the hospital made up for its bland food and sickly yellow walls was the recreation room. It was the busiest room by far, but a pair of headphones and a stolen ipod fixed that. It was easy for her to block everything out when she was painting. It gave her a sense of familiarity that had been severely lacking in her life at the moment.

When she had her brushes she could forget everything. She got to focus on herself rather than worrying herself sick over everyone else. All her worries were momentarily pushed aside in favour of something beautiful. Something that made her feel in a way that didn't hurt. Once you were so used to being depressed it was strange not to be. However Karin wasn't going to object to not being down for once. 

As she ate her bland steak with damp vegetables her thoughts strayed towards Eren and Nathan. It was visiting day and no one had showed up. Sure, they didn't need to visit her every week, but still... Their absence stung as if she had fallen into a garden of nettles. But Karin knew they haven't given up on her, despite her paranoid nature. She trusted that they woudn't leave more than anything. 

That didn't stop her from wondering where they were though. They wouldn't avoid her if they could. Karin bit her lip and felt a sinking feeling in her gut. 

                                                                           *****

"Dad?!" Levi repeated incredulously, utter shock distorting his face. "You're fucking with me. You are actually fucking with me."

But Eren couldn't hear him over the blood pounding in his ears and the uncontrollable urge to hit something. Anything. What Levi was saying didn't make sense anyway. Why would he be joking? The confusion only added fuel to his anger. 

"What the fuck are you doing here? Are you going to say anything because I haven't seen you in, how many years has it been? Want to tell me yourself, _Grisha_?" Eren snarled like a feral animal. If he wasn't careful he'd end up beating him to a pulp. But why should he have to be careful? It wasn't like he didn't deserve it. 

Jennifer's eyes popped open. Her mouth snapped shut, making a loud clacking noise that filled the empty silence. Grisha sighed heavily, rubbing his forehead wearily. The new wrinkles there made Eren's heart squeeze. He felt a hand on his shoulder but he abruptly shook it off. Eren wasn't in the mood for comfort, not when he was this furious. 

"You already look like you want to attack me; I'm not going to give you another reason," Grisha replied. "Trust me when I say you don't want to know."

"I don't fucking care what it is; just fucking tell me! I deserve to know where you've been for the last fourteen years of my life!" Eren cried. "And as if I ever would trust you!"

"Why don't you ask Levi? I'm sure he'd love to explain seeing it's his fault I was sent away in the first place." Grisha snarled. Hurt flashed through Levi's eyes at his venomous voice. It made Eren want to shield Levi from the pain he was inflicting onto him. But why would Levi know what was going on? Why would Levi know his father in the first place? The confusion buzzed around in his brain like an alarm without an off switch. "Well go on. Unless he doesn't know about our history."

"We don't have a history," Levi growled so fiercely Eren shivered. "And he already knows what happened so you can't threaten me with it."

"Why would I ever threaten you, Levi. I still care about you. Even though I must say that age has not treated you well..." Marshall's neutral face creased up in disgust, dissecting Levi's figure. "You used to be youthful and innocent looking. Now," he paused, "now you look repulsive."

"What the fuck are you saying? My boyfriend is nothing short of perfect!" Eren yelled with a volume that was intense enough to make his throat ache. 

"Boyfriend?" Grisha raised an eyebrow in a way that made Eren's heart halt. "How long has this been happening?"

"None of your fucking business," Levi's emotional barrier was back in the form of his expressionless face. No trace of emotion betrayed his shield. The only feeling that came off of Levi was one of fiery fury. The kind that you step back from not to get burnt. 

"You've grown ruder as well it seems," Grisha tutted and shook his head. He raised his head and took a step towards Levi. 

"Get the fuck away from my son," Jennifer spat. It seemed that everyone had forgotten she was there as they all turned to gawk at her. "You're not ruining our lives any further. Get the fuck out before I force you to."

"I wasn't even aware you actually cared for Levi. He's probably surprised too. You can't honestly believe that you had nothing to do with Levi's depression. It's you that made him so weak in the first place that he got attached to me so easily."

It all clicked. Eren may be dense at times, but he didn't need everything spelt out for him. He could read between the lines, and for once he wished he couldn't.

"It's you. You're Marshall," Eren's voice shook like a leaf in a bitter winter storm. 

A tidal wave of nausea crashed over him violently. Bile burned his throat as it erupted from his stomach and onto the carpet. He felt embarrassed by acting over so over the top, but the shame was interrupted by more vomit rising up from his gut. Through a misty haze he could feel Nathan's hands pull his hair back and rub his back. His brain felt like it was swimming in a thick ocean. Eren didn't look at Levi, knowing that if he did he'd only feel worse.

"Eren..." Nathan began but couldn't find any words. He didn't comprehend what was going on, but it didn't take a genius to figure out it wasn't something good.

"That's where you were all those years! You didn't leave because I wasn't good enough; you were in prison! You-You-" It was all to much. It seemed so faraway, so impossible that Eren could barely process it properly. He could throw up all over again. 

"Well at least you got smarter," Marshall replied, seemingly unaffected by Eren's shock. This shouldn't be happening. It couldn't be. "You never were the brightness child, letting your emotions control you."

"Fucking don't," Levi ordered. "Insult me all you want, but not your own son. Unless that means nothing to you."

"Of course it does," Marshall replied without missing a beat. "I adore my son. I'm not so cruel that I wouldn't even love my own child."

"I'd say you're cruel enough!" Eren declared. "How could you do that to him? You knew how fragile he was, how easy he would be to break."

"Please," Marshall rolled his eyes. "I didn't do it as some kind of show of my power over a weaker being. I did it because there was this purity in Levi that isn't in any adults anymore. They're all so evil and corrupted. The worst thing is is seeing you as one of them Levi,"

"I already was corrupted," Levi sneered. "Your fucked up romantization of me as a child only added to that. I am no more screwed up now than I was as a kid."

Grisha grit his teeth. His heavy breathing was audible from across the room. Every ragged breath made Eren tremble like he was waiting for a bomb to explode. He could almost hear the ticking, counting down until it burst. 

"You fucked everything up for me. The only one who is corrupt here is you,"

Eren can feel invisible hands tightening around his neck. A thick layer of sweat pooled around his collarbones and dripped down his torso. Everything was far too hot but too cold at the same time in a way that didn't make sense. All he can picture is Marshall switching to and from Alexander choking the life out of him. It was not the right time to panic. 

_Not now, please. It's been so long since my last attack. Can't it just hold off for now?_

But wishing didn't release the knot growing ever tighter in his chest. He felt Levi's concerned gaze in the corner of his mind, but the only thing he could focus on was Grisha. He didn't want to have to run away again. He had people he needed to be there for this time. Eren couldn't just abandon them like he did last time.

"You were lost without me. You had no one, Levi. How much better would you be today if I wasn't there?"

_Breathe, Eren, just fucking breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out._

"I already warned you, Marshall, Grisha, whatever the hell you're really called. Get. Out. Of. My. House," Jennifer commanded with the venom of a poisonous snake. Her dark eyes flashed challengingly, almost daring him to do otherwise. Not a trace of fear showed in her rigid stance. 

"I didn't come here to leave so soon," Marshall retorted, barely affected by Jennifer's icy glare. 

"Tough," Levi sneered, crossing his arms to unconsciously imitate his mother's pose. "You shouldn't even be here in the first place."

"And why is that?"

"Because you should be rotting away in prison. You shouldn't be allowed to be around civilians. You should be locked up forever."

"Those are some bitter words, Levi."

"They're supposed to be. I hold nothing but bitterness towards you."

"That's not true."

"Prove it."

"Do you want to know how lonely prison was, Levi? How betrayed I felt being there? The abuse I went through? See, there's that look in your eyes. You don't need to lie to yourself, you don't hate me, Levi."

The insult that Eren wanted to hurl at Grisha stuck in his throat. He despised how powerless he felt, how all life had seeped away from his limbs. It took all his willpower and stubbornness not to collapse onto the icy floorboards. 

"That's right; I depise you."

"You feel guilty."

"I don't."

"You blame yourself."

"Not anymore."

"You-"

Grisha's next words were interrupted by Jennifer's spiked heel jabbing itself into the back of his knees. She wasted no time as he collapsed to snap off her necklace and bind Grisha's wrists behind his back. The silver chain bit into the deathly pale flesh of his arms. Grisha tried to kick Jennifer, but she swiftly dodged and lashed at the spot between his legs that made him cry out in agony. She lowered herself to sit on his thighs to immobilize any movement in his legs. She had him caught like a fly in a spiders web. He could writher all he wanted but it would be useless. 

"Someone call the police. You don't try to terrorize my son and get away with it."

"You really think you can keep me here long enough until the police come?" Grisha jeered.

"Yes. By doing this." Jennifer replied with a sharp swing of her fist to his face. Blood sprayed from his nose onto the floor. His head banged against the wooden floorboards as it slumped down in unconsciousness. It was deathly silent for a moment. "You," Jennifer pointed towards Nathan. "Help me tie him up. Levi, calm your partner down."

They both nodded and Eren felt the faintest touch lead him towards a close by room. He tried to focus on the colour of the walls to distract him but it was hard to when they were spinning so much. 

Levi sat Eren down, again barely touching him, and stood far away. Eren's panicked gasping filled the almost empty space. His hands manically fiddled with the hems of his sleeves. The shock of it all was still settling in. Everything had happened so quickly that it made his head hurt worse than any hangover could.

"Eren, focus. Concentrate on my face and try to breathe," Levi's smooth, velvety voice whispered. "You are safe. I promise you, it is going to be okay."

Eren wondered how Levi managed to sound so calm when he could tell he was anything but. The signs where subtle, but still there. The minor twitch in his eyebrow, the slight shine on his forehead, the relentless tapping of his foot. Focusing on Levi made it easier to breathe, made the air come back to his lungs. 

"It's all right. Everything is okay, Eren. You're safe," Levi continued to reassure Eren in a hushed tone. After a final inhale, Eren sighed and then the tears came. It was mortifying to cry in front of Levi, but when he felt those familiar arms wrap around him he realized he didn't have to be ashamed. 

"You don't hate me now because-because of Grisha, do you?" Eren choked out.

"I don't see you any differently. You're not your father in the same way that he isn't you," Levi replied, reaching out to play with the overgrown strands of Eren's hair. He leaned into his touch like a selfish cat, eager for the attention. 

"What's going to happen?" Eren sniffed and rubbed his nose. He felt disconnected from the world. Like this room was the only thing that existed and that everything else was just a dream.  

"The police will probably come and take Marshall away for breaking in. He'll probably go back to jail again,"

"That easily?"

"I wouldn't call what just happened 'easy,'"

"Fair enough. It's all just so...I can't describe it,"

"I understand," 

"How did everything get so fucked up?"

"Don't ask me. I'm not God,"

"He must be one sadistic mother fucker. Or she I guess,"

Levi leaned his head into Eren's shoulder and exhaled, raising goosebumps onto Eren's neck. 

"We should probably help," Levi mumbled.

"You make it sound like they're doing spring cleaning down there," Eren laughed lightly. "I just need to get away from everything for a while. Besides, I've never been good at tying people up,"

"Remind me to never try anything kinky with you then,"

"Should you really be joking at a time like this?"

"Just trying to lighten up the mood,"

"I know. Come here."

Eren tilted Levi's chin upwards to catch his lips in a light, but passionate kiss that made fire run up his veins. Eren parted his lips but was pushed away.

"You're not kissing me without brushing your teeth first," Levi stated when Eren shot him a surprised look. He giggled and moved his hand to cup Levi's cheek which was as smooth as marble. 

"Jesus, this is so fucked up." But being around Levi made it feel slightly less so.

"Since when have our lives ever not been?" Levi let out a dry chuckle and allowed a smile to stretch across his lips. God, Eren loved that smile. The way it showed those teeth that would make dentist's jealous. The way you could see it in his eyes, painting his ashy irises silver. The way it made his heart race like an Olympic athlete.

"Since never."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said it before, but I'll say it again; I don't want to make writing this stressful, especially with all my school work at the moment and all that jazz. So if I don't feel like writing it, I won't. I promise you that you won't have to wait that long again for an update next time. Other than that, I hope you enjoyed it.


	26. Rendezvous

"Nathan, is this a photo album just of pictures of you?" Angela inquired, flicking through the glossy book with a look of both disbelief and amusement. Each page had a different ridiculous pose that even a pre-teen girl would cringe at. Nathan cackled with laughter and tugged Angela's hair which was currently purple. 

"Well I was thinking, what would be a better present than an endless supply of selfies of the most beautiful person to ever grace the earth," Nathan explained, flipping back his hair jokingly. 

"You are such a dork," Angela chuckled along with Lia who was laying across bother her partners laps. 

Nathan, Angela, Lia, Eren and Levi were all huddled around the miniature fir tree Eren and Nathan had previously struggled to put up. Its twigs were sparse but it was nothing a few (a lot) of fairy lights and sparkly tinsel couldn't fix. The frigid Christmas wind outside was ruthless towards the temperature of their apartment meaning that everyone was huddled up in various thick blankets to fight the bitter cold. 

There was no fear that Alexander would be back to their apartment again. With the help and encouragement from his loved ones, Eren had opened up to the police. It was the most terrifying yet empowering experience of his life, and he didn't regret a single moment. The court trial was rough but seeing the horror on Alexander's face when he was labelled 'guilty,' made up for it completely. They celebrated that night with shots and without a care for the bill.

Life was good. Eren would say it was brilliant but he didn't want to jinx it. Alexander was behind bars. The entire city was wrapped up in snow. The landlord wasn't a bitch about their overdue rent. But best of all, Karin was back. It had been a week since she had been discharged and it was arguably one of the best weeks of Eren's life. 

She was cocooned into a sky-blue, fuzzy blanket which she would have claimed as her own if they weren't short one and if Nathan wasn't extremely sensitive to the lack of heat. She had acted suspiciously around Levi when Eren informed her of their relationship, but she eventually warmed up after a stern warning towards Levi. Enough to even get him a present.

When it got around to Levi's turn to open a gift, it was revealed that the present was, surprise surprise, art related. A flashy set of expensive looking brushes lay in the discarded wrapping paper which actually said 'Merry Christmas' this year. Levi traced the packaging of the brushes delicately before thanking Karin. 

It was then Nathan's turn. Since the comic that Jamie drew had sold nicely, Eren managed to purchase a lot this year. That, and the steady income he gained from artistic favours, thanks to all the contacts Jamie had. Everyone deserved nice presents after everything that had happened over the past few months. The look on Nathan's face when he opened up the stack of special edition of Disney films, added with some Ghibli classics could make up for any amount of money spent. 

"Aw, Eren! You are such a bae," Nathan squealed, and escaped his fuzzy blanket to trap Eren into a crushing hug. 

"Bae?" Eren quirked an eyebrow to which Nathan only laughed at. 

"It's nothing," he snickered, and settled back into Angela's side and buried his hands into her knitted sweater. Levi rolled his eyes so hard it was nearly audible whilst Eren made a mental note to check whatever 'bae' meant later. 

Lia's present was next, and it was the deluxe collection of chocolates Eren had brought for her. Sure, it was cliche, but Eren didn't know what else to get her, and everyone liked chocolate, right?

"Oh, Eren, it's really appreciated, but I'm lactose intolerant."

Apparently not.  

"Oh, fuck. Sorry," Eren apologized with a barely suppressed groan. "I'll get you something else, I promise."

"You really don't have to," Lia reassured with a light laugh. 

"Well, that's truly tragic," Nathan sighed over-dramatically.  _Would it have been too much to mention anything?_ "I guess I'll have to eat these for you."

"You look so regretful," Angela teased.

"It's because I am," Nathan placed a hand over his heart and pretended to cry. 

They continued opening presents in a circle until none were left. A large pile of wrapping paper had collected all over the floor, which Levi was attempting to organize into a neat pile. The bin was soon stuffed to the brim with sparkly red paper. 

"Ugh, this is all so fucking festive," Levi scoffed at a stray piece of tinsel. Eren rolled his eyes and attached his arms around his lover's waist. 

"It  _is_  Christmas," he chuckled and buried his neck into his shoulder.

"I had no idea."

"Well you should considering it's also your birthday."

"Do not mention my birthday."

"Why not?"

"It's on Christmas, the worst day to ever have a birthday."

"Did you get loads of combo presents when you were younger? Is that why you're bitter?"

"I don't have to answer that."

"You don't, but you basically just did. Besides, you didn't get a combo present from me."

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't."

Eren swooped down to land a chaste kiss onto Levi's waiting lips.

"There. Happy Birthday, Levi."

"That was such a cop-out. And it was cheesy as fuck."

"It was, but I do actually have a birthday present for you."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah."

Eren took Levi's hand and lead him towards his bedroom. Underneath the bed sheets laid a rectangular object wrapped in emerald paper and laced with a ruby ribbon. Karin had helped him wrap it so it didn't look like a toddler had gotten a hold of some scissors and wrapping paper. It was heavy in his hands as he handed it over to Levi who took it with an unreadable expression. 

"You didn't have to."

"I wanted to. Now go on and open it." 

Levi peeled off the paper slowly and laid the discarded material onto the bedside table. 

The painting had given him many sleepless nights and aching fingers but it so worth it to see Levi's gasp as his eyes took in the entire picture. For a few moments, nothing was said. Levi's gaze was fixed onto the painting in his hands. 

"Thank you. Seriously Eren, this means a lot to me."

"I'm glad."

Eren's supply of grey paint nearly ran out after trying to paint Trost Bridge to look realistic. A short figure with ebony hair was walking atop the murky, moss-coloured river towards the rising golden sunset, casting a buttery sheen on the ashy city. A gleaming string of daffodils hung loosely around his wrists and neck like jewellery. Dead, battered lilies sunk in the endless depths of the seaweed-coloured water, bruised from the impact of the man's hefty biker boots.

Levi gazed at Eren with such an intensity that he would twitched if he wasn't staring so intently back. His hand cupped Eren's jaw so softly he almost didn't feel it, but he knew it was there. The hand tilted his head up, capturing his lips into a bruising kiss. Eren tangled his hands into Levi's onyx strands, causing him to release a soft groan. Levi's scent engulfed his senses, making his breath hitch.

Eren's fingers twisted into the fabric of Levi's shirt, raising it to his rib cage to remove the barrier to the creamy skin of his hips beneath. He felt like marble underneath his fingertips. Pulling away to breathe, Eren left a hot trail of kisses over Levi's strong jawline, making him clutch at the back of his shirt. 

"Hey, Eren. Have you seen my- _oh,"_ Eren could just imagine the corners of his mouth turning up. The previously shut door was now wide open to show Nathan's shit-eating grin in all its glory.  _D_ _on't bother knocking then._  "Condoms and lube are in the third drawer, guys! Always be safe!" And with that he fled the room. 

Eren would have been embarrassed by how red he had gone, if Levi hadn't been even redder. A strawberry flush painted his face and ears, making him look so adorable Eren had to suppress the will to coo at him like a puppy. Levi tsked it off whilst avoiding Eren's gaze.

"Nathan's just kidding, we don't, you know, have to-"

"I want to."

"Are you sure, Levi? I mean with everything-"

"I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't meant it."

"I just want to make sure you're positive."

"Are you positive?"

The question left Eren speechless for a moment. 

"Yeah, I mean, that doesn't matter anyway."

"Yes it does." 

Levi paused. 

"I don't want this if you don't, Eren. No exceptions."

"I-Thank you, Levi. But it's not like we can really do anything with everyone in the house anyway."

"Then we'll go to mine."

"What am I going to say to everyone? I don't think it's going to take much for them to figure out what's going on."

"Who cares if they know we're going to fuck? We'll just say that we're going to visit Hanji. It's Christmas; you're supposed to be with loved ones and all that crap."

"I don't know. I want to, really I do, but it feels wrong to leave everyone on a day like this." 

"Tomorrow then if you're so insistent on giving me blue balls."

"You're not the only on-"

"Eren," Levi chuckled and placed a finger on Eren's lips. "I can wait. And so can you."

Eren tried not to huff like a child but he knew he hadn't succeeded once he saw the satisfied smirk on Levi's lips. For a moment he had the urge to smack it off but he found himself smirking as well, and even laughing. His body felt so light that he could float away like a feather. 

"I got something for you as well." Levi said.

"Really?"

"Did you really think that I wouldn't get you a present?"

"Well no, but still."

"But nothing." Levi rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, black box. 

"Oh my god, Levi! Are you-"

"No, I'm not proposing. Don't get your hopes up."

"Oh, thank god! I didn't know how to say no without sounding mean. I mean, not that the thought of marrying you disgusts me or anything. But you know how early it still is and everything-"

"Eren shut up and just open it."

With a nod, Eren lifted the lid off the box and gasped.

"It's doesn't have any deep meaning or anything but I saw it and I thought of you."

"It's gorgeous, Levi." Eren took the necklace from its case and Levi sealed it around his neck. The golden key hanging on the black chain rested directly over his heart and felt cool around his skin. It was surprisingly heavy and the clear jewels embedded in the key glinted even in the dark lighting. Eren's finger traced the intricate detailing in awe.

"Thank you, Levi," Eren beamed and pulled him into a hug that bordered onto suffocating. 

"Wipe that dopey-ass grin off your face, Karin's been calling you for about a minute now," Levi commanded with a playful roll of his eyes.

"Right," Eren chuckled and placed a lingering kiss onto Levi's mouth. Before strolling off to the kitchen, he tucked his present underneath the neckline of his sweater.

"So you're not deaf then," Karin remarked with no real spite. "How the fuck do you cook this?"

"Those are frozen potatoes, Karin," Eren tried not to sound judgmental and failed. Even Nathan was more skilled in the kitchen department.

"And?" Karin prompted, her eyes flashing in challenge at Eren, almost daring him to continue.

"Nothing, just give them here," Eren knew when to back down and took the frozen bag from her before she could inflict any damage. 

Nathan aided him in the cooking alongside Lia and Karin who did what she could. Soon enough, the kitchen was flooded with the aroma of baking food. Spices were scattered across the limited space on the counter and the window had to be opened to release the heat coming from the roaring oven. Nathan had even decided to force the rusty stereo to sing some carols which were both annoying and fun at the same time. Eren thought he might have heard Karin sing along at one point, but he must have just been hearing things.  

"Hey Eren, where's Levi?" Nathan asked whilst Eren was carving the turkey.

"He's talking to his Mum on the phone," Eren replied, putting down the knife to talk to him properly.

"Are they alright? After everything that happened you know," Nathan winced as he fumbled over the right words to say. Eren knew it wasn't out of nosiness; he genuinely wanted to know if they were doing okay.

"It's still a bit awkward but they're working on it. I think they both feel a lot better knowing that Mar-Grisha is back in prison."

"Must still be scary though. You know how easy it is to be paranoid in these situations."

"Unfortunately I do. I don't really know if this is the right time to bring this up, but, I have something to tell you."

"What is it?"

"Nothing is definite yet...But Levi and I are thinking of moving."

Nathan was silent for a moment. 

"Where to?"

"Somewhere out of the city. Levi said this place has too many memories for him, and I agree. I think it would help the both of us if we just left and started all over again."

"You can't runaway from the past."

"And we're not. We just both feel our time here is done. I've been in this city since a child, I need to move on at some point."

"Are you sure you both want this?"

"Yes. I mean, nothing is for definite yet, but we're both pretty set on it."

"You'll visit, won't you?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"Then there isn't much else I can say other than I'll miss you."

"You already know I'll miss you too."

"Yeah, but it doesn't hurt to hear it."

Nathan flashed a grin which Eren returned equally as bright.

"Does Karin know yet?"

"Not yet. I'm planning on telling her soon though."

"She'll respect whatever you decide."

"I'll know. Doesn't mean she'll like it though."

"She'll come to terms with it eventually. And like you said, nothing's concrete yet."

 "Yeah."

"Help me set everything up," Karin strolled into the kitchen and headed straight towards the cabinet containing the plates. She raised an eyebrow at the both of them when none of them moved. Shaking his head, Eren moved to half the pile of plates Karin was holding whilst Nathan laid out the cutlery. She accepted his help with a small nod and a smaller smile. 

Everyone piled in and seated themselves around the limited space of the table. Each year they got everyone around for Christmas, but something felt different this year. Maybe it was the fact that the vegetables weren't solid this year, or maybe it was to do with the foul-mouthed short man who was pretending to look grumpy seated next to Eren. 

"Come on. Let's eat this bitch." 

                                                                 ----------

Levi couldn't even wait until they got through the door to start tearing away Eren's clothes. He let out a breathless chuckle as he felt Levi tug the sleeves of his jacket, but in all honestly he couldn't blame him. He was just as desperate to remove the fabric boundaries to Levi's silky skin. The desire to strip him down until there's nothing left only grew more intense when he felt Levi's hardness press against his own. 

"What happened to patience?" Eren quirked up an eyebrow, trying not to sound as breathless as he felt.

"Fuck that," Levi scoffed and connected their parted lips again. 

It was hard trying to find the way to the bedroom when they were still unfamiliar with everything in the new house. That, and the added struggle of being practically glued to someone else whilst trying to maneuver yourself without knocking anything over. But it wasn't enough to make him want to separate from Levi's scorching body heat seeping into his bones.

The soft mattress cushioned his fall and Eren felt himself sink with the added weight of Levi straddling him. Levi's knees were placed by his hips and his hands entwined in Eren's above his head. He hovered over Eren for a second, admiring his glistening ocean eyes and glossy tan skin before swooping down to nibble at the soft flesh of his neck. Eren bit his lip to conceal a pathetic whimper but he couldn't control himself when Levi sucked at a particularly sensitive patch of skin.

The vibrations tickling his neck grew when Levi chuckled at his embarrassingly loud whine. The lines of kisses trailed further down from his collarbones towards his navel. As Levi's mouth made it's journey down towards Eren's waist, he stripped off both their t-shirts, finally allowing their bare chests to touch. Levi's hands were like a fire that didn't char, clutching his hair, tracing the bumps of his spine, caressing the inside of his thighs. 

Whist Eren adored being kissed and caressed, he didn't want to be the only one being pampered. With more confidence than he felt, he swivelled the both of them around so that Eren was leaning over Levi instead. A breathless smirk graced his lips at Levi's shocked expression. It made something in his chest jump seeing something other than neutrality on his face, even if it was becoming rarer these days. 

Their hips began to grind against each other, causing a delicious friction that made them both grunt in satisfaction. But it wasn't enough. Eren still wanted more, and judging by Levi's hungry expression, so did he. He grasped the waistline of Levi's jeans, tugged them down his legs, and over his feet. Eren was confused as to why Levi was suddenly refusing to look at him. Then he remembered.

Scars. Dozens of angry white lines marred the flesh of his upper-thighs. Last time he had seen Levi this bare he was too focused on making sure he was okay to really notice. Looking at the scars felt like an invisible fist gripping his heart. No one deserved to ever feel like they need to hurt themselves. Especially not Levi.

"Just...Don't stare at them," Levi mumbled, tracing Eren's jawline before lifting it to stop him staring. 

 "I'm sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No. You don't have to pretend they aren't there, but just don't stare."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I'm the one who's sorry. I've gone and made everything awkward."

"No you haven't."

"Eren, tell me right now that this isn't awkward."

 "It's only awkward if we say it is."

Levi raised an eyebrow to say he didn't believe him so Eren took his hand and placed it on his thigh coaxingly.

"I still want this. I still want you." Eren promised. "Now please, just touch me."

And so Levi did. 

                                                                  ---------

"You know I thought I'd never sleep with anyone ever again after I finally quit," Eren mused out loud. Pillow talk never was something Eren was good at, but with Levi looking so content next to him, curled against his chest, it was hard to keep his mouth shut. "I didn't think I'd ever even want to sleep with anyone ever again. But you changed that I guess."

"Hm," Levi acknowledged, and allowed his fingers to trace the lines of Eren's stomach. "I was the same, you know? I thought I'd never be able to get over what happened with Marshall, but seeing him again, I realized that I already was. Of course it still hurts, but it hurts in a way I can manage. And I guess that's all that really matters. I'm not going to suddenly be unaffected by it, and I probably never will. But I can get through the day and that's enough for me."

"I'm proud of you," Eren beamed, and joined their bruised lips together. Levi hands grasped Eren's necklace to pull him further forward.

"Have you even taken this off since Christmas?" Levi asked with a breathless chuckle. 

"No," Eren shrugged with a soft laugh. "Is that a bad thing?"

"No," Levi shook his head and pulled him in for another kiss. 

Eren shuffled so that his head was resting over Levi's heartbeat. He could feel Levi's breathing fan across his messy hair, his steady heartbeat softly pounding against his eardrum. 

"Hey brat, I'm not a pillow." 

"Mhm," Eren dismissed, and dragged Levi's arm over his back. "You're not very good at cuddling."

"Sorry," Levi replied with a tone that said otherwise. He was about to say something else when he heard snoring coming from Eren. He shook his head but couldn't help but smile. Eren had been making him do that a lot, and Levi was learning to become less bitter about it. He had always envied Eren's ability to be able to sleep like he was dead in a heartbeat. 

Careful not to wake Eren, he leaned towards the bedside lamp to turn it off. Placing a kiss onto Eren's forehead, Levi shut his eyes and allowed sleep to take him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I promise you that you won't have to wait that long again for an update next time,"-a fucking liar.
> 
> I kinda have this terrible habit of not doing stuff I don't want to do even if it's important. I can't write smut or ending so that's why this took so long. This is the first multi-chaptered story I have finished since I was ten and whilst there's a lot I don't like in this story it's been cool seeing how much better I am now compared to when I started writing this. Thanks for all the support, every comment inspires to write more ^.^
> 
> I've already got some more fics planned(I've already got the first chapter done of one, so look forward to that.) I might even rewrite this again at some point because I really think I could have explored Prostitute! Eren more, but whatever. Thank you all for your endless support and love ≧◡≦

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ^^


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